SNL Transcripts: Paul Rudd: 12/11/10: Sexually Speaking

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Sexually Speaking

Roger Brush…..Fred Armisen
Assistant…..Bill Hader
Pamela Shimpley…..Vanessa Bayer
Pamela’s Husband…..Bobby Moynihan
Tyler Baines…..Paul Rudd
Jenna Lynn Hofstren…..Abby Elliott
Stacey Englands…..Nasim Pedrad

Narrator: [voiceover w/several still images of Dr. Linda Marie Choice helping various people] You’re watching Sexually Speaking with Dr. Linda Marie Choice. Dr. Linda has been married seven times and specializes in sexual and reproductive health. And now with her personal approach to sexual issues, please welcome Dr. Linda Marie Choice.

[Fade in to studio. Instead of Dr. Linda Marie Choice, we see a fat, bald man sitting in the host’s chair]

Roger Brush: Uh, Dr. Linda is sick. I’m her producer Roger Brush. Dr. Linda’s daughter called and said she’s got a stomach thing. Now I don’t want to get too graphic, but she’s got clear water coming out of her butt. So, uh, I said please don’t come in, I’ll just take it from here. Alright – let’s, uh, let’s go to the audience.

[Cut to audience. The assistant, wearing a headset and holding a microphone, has his arm around an audience member]

Assistant: This is Pamela Shimpley, she has a question about her and her husband’s lovemaking.

Pamela Shimpley: Hi, I have an issue with my husband. I love him so much, but he’s…well…small.

Roger Brush: You know what, I…I can’t hear you, honey, be loud.

Pamela Shimpley: He has a small…penis?

Roger Brush: S…say it again?

Pamela Shimpley: He has a small penis.

Roger Brush: Small v-necks? Y…can anybody hear her? Y’know, you gotta eat that microphone.

Pamela Shimpley: His penis – it’s thin like a chicken bone.

Roger Brush: Oh, that…alri…I see what you’re saying. Look, how ‘bout this? Y’know, when he does it, just say “Ooo ooo baby, that’s the best I ever had!”

Pamela Shimpley: No, that’s not the problem.

Roger Brush: Aw ye… I dunno what to tell you, sweetheart. Y’know, I’m up here sweatin’ trying to help you out, and you’re badmouthing your husband behind his back, so…

Pamela Shimpley: No, I…I’m not. He’s right there. [cut to Pamela’s husband, looking humiliated]

Roger Brush: You’re the one with the skinny dingaling? I dunno what to tell you. Y’know, soak it in salt water and see if it plumps up. Y’know, I…I’m not the expert. Alright, who’s next?

Assistant: This is, uh, Tyler Baines. He has a really interesting question.

Tyler Baines: Uh, my partner and I have been together for four years. How do we keep our sex life exciting?

Roger Brush: Okay. Uh, have you tried tickling her?

Tyler Baines: Uh, it’s a he.

Roger Brush: It’s a what?

Tyler Baines: It’s a he.

Roger Brush: What? I, y’know, I can’t hear you. It sounds like you said it’s a he.

Tyler Baines: Y…I did.

Roger Brush: Your girlfriend is a he?

Tyler Baines: I have a boyfriend.

Roger Brush: Well, how did that happen?

Tyler Baines: What should we do?

Roger Brush: Uh, I dunno. Y’know, just look at your boyfriend and say, “You and I both know this is weird.” And, uh…y’know…just, y’know, close your eyes and do it and get it over with and hope for the best.

Tyler Baines: What? W…where’s Dr. Linda? She really helps people. She tells them to touch each other’s faces and be honest with one another. Y’know, helpful stuff like that.

Assistant: Very sorry sir, Dr. Linda is sick today.

Roger Brush: Yeah, you want Dr. Linda up here peein’ out of her ass? I, I don’t. Let’s get to the next person, who we got?

Assistant: This is Jenna Lynn Hofstren. She has a great question and she needs your help.

Roger Brush: Okay. You gotta eat that mic, sweetie.

Jenna Lynn Hofstren: My boyfriend seems more concerned with his own needs in bed than mine.

Roger Brush: And? What are you looking at? I said “and”. I don’t see the problem. Who’s next?

Assistant: This is Stacey Englands.

Stacey Englands: Hi. I wanna have sex with my boyfriend, but he wants to wait.

Roger Brush: Why’s he wanna wait? Y…for you to lose some weight or something? Y’know…uh, y’know, make him a meal and, uh, a card and say “Hey, I’m sorry about my thighs, but this is as good as it gets.”

Stacey Englands: What? I’m not overweight! Dr. Linda would never say that.

Assistant: Oh, I know I know I know.

Roger Brush: Hey, why are you taking her side? Look ma’am, I’m trying to help you out – you’re being a real diva! Yep. Hey, listen, I got problems of my own, y’know. My sister just asked me if she could borrow fifteen grand. I don’t know that I have it! Y’know…I mean, I have it, but I want it. Okay so, uh, who’s next?

Assistant: No one wants to go.

Roger Brush: Alright, well, good. When we come back, Nurse Kellers is gonna show us how to find the G-Spot. Oh great.

Submitted by Nick F.

SNL Transcripts