Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 8
Julian Assange in Prison
Diane Foster…..Nasim Pedrad
Julian Assange…..Bill Hader
[ open on MasterCard logo ]
Announcer: And now, a message from MasterCard.
[ dissolve to Diane Foster in a MasterCard office ]
Diane Foster: Hello. I’m Diane Foster, Vice-President of Customer Relations at MasterCard. This week, supporters of the WikiLeaks organization attacked our web site. I want to assure our customers that we are —
[ the picture turns to snow, then falls upon the image of Julian Assange in prison ]
Julian Assange: Hello, again. It’s me, Julian Assange. I’ve taken over your airwaves, inside a British prison. How did I get a camera into a British prison? Maybe you weren’t listening: I’m Julian Assange. This Monday, I was arrested, proving that, for those who terrorize the United States, there’s nowhere to hide. America will find you, and they will punish you — unless, of course, your name is Osama bin Laden.
[ he coyly sips from a china cup of tea ]
No, I was not arrested for terrorism, but, rather, to be questioned on two rape charges. It has long been Interpol’s job to hunt down those accused of sexual misdeeds. Who can forget their months-long pursuit of Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger? Double standard, anyone?
[ he chuckles and sips from a china cup of tea ]
Now, on to business. If I’m not released immediately, supporters of the WikiLeaks are prepared to take the following web sites:
Amazon. If I am forcibly imprisoned for one more day, anyone purchasing Mark Twain’s new autobiography on Amazon as a Christmas present for their father, will instead send him the book “Everyone Poops”. Ho ho ho — awk-waaaaard!
Orbitz. If I’m held for two more days, any holiday flight booked through Orbitz will have a connection at the Cleveland International Airport. Also: All special requests will be logged as Middle Seat Kosher Meal. Lachaim!
[ he giggles maniacally and sips from a china cup of tea ]
Day Three: Facebook. You know that one profile picture that makes you look thin? It’s gone. Boo hoo!
On the fourth day, we will move on to the Facebook game FarmVille, AND… leave it alone. So people you barely remember from high school can continue to bother you with requests to water their stupid crops. Hoo-ray!
Day Five: Netflix. Have you seen the fourth season of “Hanging With Mr. Cooper”? [ threateningly ] You’re about to! It’s first on your queue!
Angry Birds. If I’m held for six days, the birds in the popular app Angry Birds will no longer be angry. “What are you playing? Good-Natured Birds? How is it?” IT STINKS!!
And if I’m incarcerated for one whole week, we start messing with porn sites — the FREE ones. Ooooohhh! Got your attention NOW, do I? [ he smiles deviously ]
There you have it. Hope to see you on the outside. In conclusion, I want to remind you that no matter how I die, even if there’s a suicide note, it was murder. Cheers!
[ he laughs maniacally snd sips his tea ]
[ the picture turns snowy again and fades ]