SNL Transcripts: Jeff Bridges: 12/18/10: Crunkmas Karnival

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 10


















10j: Jeff Bridges / Eminem & Lil Wayne

Crunkmas Karnival

DJ Supersoak…..Jason Sudeikis
Lil’ Blaster…..Nasim Pedrad Ass Dan…..Bobby Moynihan
MC George Costanza…..Jay Pharoah

[ open on fiery Christmas graphics ]

Announcer: Under-Underground Records is BACK!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: What up, yo! I’m DJ Supersoak!

Lil’ Blaster: And I’m Lil’ Blaster! And in case you didn’t notice, it’s that crazy-ass time of year again!

Together: CRUNK-MAS!!

Lil’ Blaster: WHOO WHOO!!

DJ Supersoak: And we here, at Under-Underground Records, say it’s time to ho-ho celebrate!

Announcer: Announcing the first-ever… CRUNKMAS KARNIVAL!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak ]

DJ Supersoak: There’s gonna be TONS of LIVE underground rap and rock music, YO!

Announcer: You want Christmas music? These bands will MAKE! SANTA! PUKE! [ explosion ] With performances by Dump! Homeless Wedding! Frog Blast! Mary Poopins! Third Eye Blind! Butt Snack! Boyz II Dickz! And Scrotum Fire!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

Lil’ Blaster: Ohhhh, yeahhhhh!! Scrotum Fire! They my ninjas!

DJ Supersoak: AH HAAAAA!! And you BEST not need medical attention, yo! ‘Cause the First Aid Kit is:

Announcer: FULL! OF! SNAKES!

Lil’ Blaster: And once you’re in, you can’t leave! ‘Cause:

Announcer: ALL! EXITS! ARE! PADLOCKED!

DJ Supersoak: Luckily! You locked in with some DOPE special guests! Like wrestler Koko B Ware!

Lil’ Blaster: Comedian Phil Spector!

DJ Supersoak: The STAR of “Spaceballs” — Pizza the Hut!

Lil’ Blaster: And former Surgeon General — C. Everett Koop! Challenging YOU to a Mayonnaisse Fight!

Announcer: MAY-O-NNAISE FIGHT!!

Lil’ Blaster: And we’re FINALLY gonna give our deceased friend, Ass Dan, the Wiggedy Wake he DESERVES!

[ cut to Ass Dan lying in a coffin ]

Ass Dan: [ suddenly rising ] YEEEEEEAAHH!! You KNOW I’m still alive, BITCH!! I’m gonna live forev–

[ screen freezes and turns gray, with somber music and SUPER: “ASS DAN, 1981-2010” ]

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: But Crunkmas Karnival isn’t ALL about fun, yo!

Lil’ Blaster: No! We’re gonna bust soem CHARITY on you bitches!

DJ Supersoak: And here to tell you MORE! Is MC George Costanza!

[ cut to MC George Costanza ]

MC George Costanza: Yo! Instead of Toys For Tots! We got our OWN program! Yeah! It’s called: WACK-ASS JUNK FOR IMMIGRANTS!!

Announcer: WACK-ASS JUNK FOR IMMIGRANTS!!

MC George Costanza: YEEEEEEAAHH!! We’re givin’ them the stuff kids DON’T want! Yeah! So bring us your LEAKY BATTERIES! Yeah! Your BROKE-ASS FISH TANKS! Yeah, Yeah! EXPIRED TYLENOL! And we’ll give you a free:

Announcer: PUNCH IN THE STOMACH!

Lil’ Blaster: We got MAD special events! Like a DONG TUG-OF-WAR!

DJ Supersoak: Yeah! AND! A 2-D screening of “The Owls of Ga’Hoole”

Lil’ Blaster: Plus! Don’t miss a VERY special panel, y’all! “How Asian-Americans Can Break Into Entertainment”!

DJ Supersoak: And check it! We reunited the entire cast of “Growing Pains”, yo! Except for Kirk Cameron, Alan Thicke, Tracey Gold, Jeremy Miller!

Announcer: [ over mostly blacked-out cast photo ] WE GOT THE MOM!!

[ explosion ]

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: And you KNOW we got LOOSE HAWKS flying ALL OVER THIS BITCH!!

[ hawk flies past screen ]

DJ Supersoak: The Crunkmas Karnival takes place February 13th through the 15th! At, where else? THE METRODOME!

Announcer: [ over footage of snow collapsing through the Metrodome’s inflatable roof ] THE METRODOME!!

[ return to fiery Christmas graphics ]

Announcer: See you ninjas there!!

[ explosion ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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