Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 10
10j: Jeff Bridges / Eminem & Lil Wayne
Crunkmas Karnival
DJ Supersoak…..Jason Sudeikis
Lil’ Blaster…..Nasim Pedrad Ass Dan…..Bobby Moynihan
MC George Costanza…..Jay Pharoah
[ open on fiery Christmas graphics ]
Announcer: Under-Underground Records is BACK!
[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]
DJ Supersoak: What up, yo! I’m DJ Supersoak!
Lil’ Blaster: And I’m Lil’ Blaster! And in case you didn’t notice, it’s that crazy-ass time of year again!
Together: CRUNK-MAS!!
Lil’ Blaster: WHOO WHOO!!
DJ Supersoak: And we here, at Under-Underground Records, say it’s time to ho-ho celebrate!
Announcer: Announcing the first-ever… CRUNKMAS KARNIVAL!
[ cut to DJ Supersoak ]
DJ Supersoak: There’s gonna be TONS of LIVE underground rap and rock music, YO!
Announcer: You want Christmas music? These bands will MAKE! SANTA! PUKE! [ explosion ] With performances by Dump! Homeless Wedding! Frog Blast! Mary Poopins! Third Eye Blind! Butt Snack! Boyz II Dickz! And Scrotum Fire!
[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]
Lil’ Blaster: Ohhhh, yeahhhhh!! Scrotum Fire! They my ninjas!
DJ Supersoak: AH HAAAAA!! And you BEST not need medical attention, yo! ‘Cause the First Aid Kit is:
Announcer: FULL! OF! SNAKES!
Lil’ Blaster: And once you’re in, you can’t leave! ‘Cause:
Announcer: ALL! EXITS! ARE! PADLOCKED!
DJ Supersoak: Luckily! You locked in with some DOPE special guests! Like wrestler Koko B Ware!
Lil’ Blaster: Comedian Phil Spector!
DJ Supersoak: The STAR of “Spaceballs” — Pizza the Hut!
Lil’ Blaster: And former Surgeon General — C. Everett Koop! Challenging YOU to a Mayonnaisse Fight!
Announcer: MAY-O-NNAISE FIGHT!!
Lil’ Blaster: And we’re FINALLY gonna give our deceased friend, Ass Dan, the Wiggedy Wake he DESERVES!
[ cut to Ass Dan lying in a coffin ]
Ass Dan: [ suddenly rising ] YEEEEEEAAHH!! You KNOW I’m still alive, BITCH!! I’m gonna live forev–
[ screen freezes and turns gray, with somber music and SUPER: “ASS DAN, 1981-2010” ]
[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]
DJ Supersoak: But Crunkmas Karnival isn’t ALL about fun, yo!
Lil’ Blaster: No! We’re gonna bust soem CHARITY on you bitches!
DJ Supersoak: And here to tell you MORE! Is MC George Costanza!
[ cut to MC George Costanza ]
MC George Costanza: Yo! Instead of Toys For Tots! We got our OWN program! Yeah! It’s called: WACK-ASS JUNK FOR IMMIGRANTS!!
Announcer: WACK-ASS JUNK FOR IMMIGRANTS!!
MC George Costanza: YEEEEEEAAHH!! We’re givin’ them the stuff kids DON’T want! Yeah! So bring us your LEAKY BATTERIES! Yeah! Your BROKE-ASS FISH TANKS! Yeah, Yeah! EXPIRED TYLENOL! And we’ll give you a free:
Announcer: PUNCH IN THE STOMACH!
Lil’ Blaster: We got MAD special events! Like a DONG TUG-OF-WAR!
DJ Supersoak: Yeah! AND! A 2-D screening of “The Owls of Ga’Hoole”
Lil’ Blaster: Plus! Don’t miss a VERY special panel, y’all! “How Asian-Americans Can Break Into Entertainment”!
DJ Supersoak: And check it! We reunited the entire cast of “Growing Pains”, yo! Except for Kirk Cameron, Alan Thicke, Tracey Gold, Jeremy Miller!
Announcer: [ over mostly blacked-out cast photo ] WE GOT THE MOM!!
[ explosion ]
[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]
DJ Supersoak: And you KNOW we got LOOSE HAWKS flying ALL OVER THIS BITCH!!
[ hawk flies past screen ]
DJ Supersoak: The Crunkmas Karnival takes place February 13th through the 15th! At, where else? THE METRODOME!
Announcer: [ over footage of snow collapsing through the Metrodome’s inflatable roof ] THE METRODOME!!
[ return to fiery Christmas graphics ]
Announcer: See you ninjas there!!
[ explosion ]
[ fade ]
