SNL Transcripts: Jeff Bridges: 12/18/10: Tunstall General Store



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 10












10j: Jeff Bridges / Eminem & Lil Wayne

Tunstall General Store

Corvis….Jeff Bridges
Wrapping lady….Kristen Wiig
Mr. Shipley….Bill Hader
Scootch….Bobby Moynihan
Ms. Dawkins….Vanessa Bayer
Common James….Jason Sudeikis

[Opens with an Old West store. A pretty young lady approaches the counter]

Ms. Dawkins: Howdy, Mr. Shipley.

Mr. Shipley: Hi, Ms. Dawkins. I got that sterling silver comb you wanted for your mama for Christmas.

Ms. Dawkins: Oh, goody. She’ll love it.

Mr. Shipley: All right. That’s gonna be 22 cents. Now, do you want that gift wrapped?

Ms. Dawkins: Gift wrapped? What’s that?

Mr. Shipley: Little service I’m trying out for the holidays. My cousin and her special friend thought it up. Save yourself time to wrap it at home. You’ll be their first customer.

[Ms. Dawkins goes to a table with Corvis, a flamboyant gay cowboy and his assistant wrapping lady]

Ms. Dawkins: I’ll reckon that sounds all right. So, I give this to you?

[gives comb to the wrapping lady]

Corvis and Wrapping Lady: Oh, wow!

Corvis: Fancy comb!

Wrapping Lady: Neat comb!

Corvis and Wrapping Lady: So neat!

Corvis: This is over the top neat! If I got this for Christmas I’d shoot stuff out of my fanny!

Wrapping Lady: Corvis!

Corvis: What?!

Wrapping Lady: Oh, come on. Get to wrapping.

Ms. Dawkins: Oh, you know what? I’m in a hurry. Maybe I should get.

Corvis: Don’t get without this.

[gives the comb all wrapped up in pretty designs, shiny paper]

Ms. Dawkins: It’s awfully flashy. I don’t know what to say.

Corvis: You don’t have to say anything. Just make your face go like this.[silly O face]

Wrapping Lady: Or like this. [sillier face]

Corvis: Bye. Thank you.

Wrapping Lady: Bye, thank you, bye.

[Ms. Dawkins leaves]

Wrapping Lady: Oh, she was great.

Corvis: Her outfit could’ve used a bout of color.

[A good old boy cowboy enters the store]

Scootch: Howdy, Mr. Shipley.

Mr. Shipley: Howdy, Scootch. What can I do you for?

Scootch: I got to get me a Christmas present for my wife.

Mr. Shipley: How about this padded milking stool? My last one.[gives Scootch the milking stool]

Scootch: Ha,ha. Well, what would they think of next? I’ll take it.

[Corvis and the wrapping lady look for attention]

Corvis and Wrapping Lady: Ahem! Ahem!

Mr. Shipley: Would you like that gift wrapped?

Scootch: Well, I do not know what that means.

Mr. Shipley: Just take it over there.

[Scootch goes to the wrapping table]

Wrapping Lady: Oooh!!! A milking stool! I smell romance!

Corvis: If I got this for Christmas I’d shoot stuff out of my fanny!

Wrapping Lady: Stop.

Corvis: I really think I would.

Scootch: Well, its getting dark and I’m gonna have to get. You see, my horse is sick…

Wrapping Lady: Here you go!

[Milking stool is inside a big, shiny, flashy box with bows]

Scootch: I’m at a loss for words!

Corvis: Who needs words? Just make your face go like this.[silly O face]

Wrapping Lady: Or like this. [sillier face]

Scootch: I can’t walk down the street carrying this! I will get shot!

Wrapping Lady: [snippy] How about “thank you”?

Corvis: You are rude.

Scootch: Well, I guess I’ll just have to hope for the best.

[Scootch leaves the store with the shiny box. 4 to 5 gunshots ring out]

[BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!]

Mr. Shipley: [looks out the window] He got shot! Good job you two. This whole gift wrapping thing ain’t really panning out.

[A desperate bandido cowboy enters the store, guns blazing up into the ceiling]

Common James: Whooooo!! Whooo!!![BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!] That’s right! I’m Common James! Now give me all your money unless you want to end up like that fella I just shot outside!

Mr. Shipley: He was getting a Christmas present for his wife!

Common James: I don’t care about Christmas! No one ever gave nothing to me!

Wrapping Lady: We got to do something!

Corvis: I got an idea. Hey! Can we talk to you over here in the gift wrapping department?

Common James: What department? Where? You best just shut your trap while he fills up them bags over there!

Corvis: Hey, you! We’ve had about enough of this. [reaches for Common’s gun]

Common James: What the…?

Mr. Shipley:[scared] Oh, we’re gonna get it! Get it good! Oh, no!

[Common James’s gun is gift wrapped in shiny, flashy paper]

Common James: Oh, my God! This is the first gift I’ve ever done got given to me inside my hands here! Its so beautiful. [cries] This entire meaning of Christmas flashed before me. Thank you weirdoes! [leaves the store]

Wrapping Lady: You did it, Corvis!

Corvis: Now that is the magic of Christmas!

Wrapping Lady: Oh, I think I love you Corvis.

Corvis: You know that’s not happening.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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