Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 10
Tunstall General Store
Wrapping lady….Kristen Wiig
Mr. Shipley….Bill Hader
Ms. Dawkins….Vanessa Bayer
Common James….Jason Sudeikis
Ms. Dawkins: Howdy, Mr. Shipley.
Mr. Shipley: Hi, Ms. Dawkins. I got that sterling silver comb you wanted for your mama for Christmas.
Ms. Dawkins: Oh, goody. She’ll love it.
Mr. Shipley: All right. That’s gonna be 22 cents. Now, do you want that gift wrapped?
Ms. Dawkins: Gift wrapped? What’s that?
Mr. Shipley: Little service I’m trying out for the holidays. My cousin and her special friend thought it up. Save yourself time to wrap it at home. You’ll be their first customer.
[Ms. Dawkins goes to a table with Corvis, a flamboyant gay cowboy and his assistant wrapping lady]
Ms. Dawkins: I’ll reckon that sounds all right. So, I give this to you?
[gives comb to the wrapping lady]
Corvis and Wrapping Lady: Oh, wow!
Corvis: Fancy comb!
Wrapping Lady: Neat comb!
Corvis and Wrapping Lady: So neat!
Corvis: This is over the top neat! If I got this for Christmas I’d shoot stuff out of my fanny!
Wrapping Lady: Corvis!
Wrapping Lady: Oh, come on. Get to wrapping.
Ms. Dawkins: Oh, you know what? I’m in a hurry. Maybe I should get.
Corvis: Don’t get without this.
[gives the comb all wrapped up in pretty designs, shiny paper]
Ms. Dawkins: It’s awfully flashy. I don’t know what to say.
Corvis: You don’t have to say anything. Just make your face go like this.[silly O face]
Wrapping Lady: Or like this. [sillier face]
Corvis: Bye. Thank you.
Wrapping Lady: Bye, thank you, bye.
[Ms. Dawkins leaves]
Wrapping Lady: Oh, she was great.
Corvis: Her outfit could’ve used a bout of color.
[A good old boy cowboy enters the store]
Scootch: Howdy, Mr. Shipley.
Mr. Shipley: Howdy, Scootch. What can I do you for?
Scootch: I got to get me a Christmas present for my wife.
Mr. Shipley: How about this padded milking stool? My last one.[gives Scootch the milking stool]
Scootch: Ha,ha. Well, what would they think of next? I’ll take it.
[Corvis and the wrapping lady look for attention]
Corvis and Wrapping Lady: Ahem! Ahem!
Mr. Shipley: Would you like that gift wrapped?
Scootch: Well, I do not know what that means.
Mr. Shipley: Just take it over there.
[Scootch goes to the wrapping table]
Wrapping Lady: Oooh!!! A milking stool! I smell romance!
Corvis: If I got this for Christmas I’d shoot stuff out of my fanny!
Wrapping Lady: Stop.
Corvis: I really think I would.
Scootch: Well, its getting dark and I’m gonna have to get. You see, my horse is sick…
Wrapping Lady: Here you go!
[Milking stool is inside a big, shiny, flashy box with bows]
Scootch: I’m at a loss for words!
Corvis: Who needs words? Just make your face go like this.[silly O face]
Wrapping Lady: Or like this. [sillier face]
Scootch: I can’t walk down the street carrying this! I will get shot!
Wrapping Lady: [snippy] How about “thank you”?
Corvis: You are rude.
Scootch: Well, I guess I’ll just have to hope for the best.
[Scootch leaves the store with the shiny box. 4 to 5 gunshots ring out]
[BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!]
Mr. Shipley: [looks out the window] He got shot! Good job you two. This whole gift wrapping thing ain’t really panning out.
[A desperate bandido cowboy enters the store, guns blazing up into the ceiling]
Common James: Whooooo!! Whooo!!![BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!] That’s right! I’m Common James! Now give me all your money unless you want to end up like that fella I just shot outside!
Mr. Shipley: He was getting a Christmas present for his wife!
Common James: I don’t care about Christmas! No one ever gave nothing to me!
Wrapping Lady: We got to do something!
Corvis: I got an idea. Hey! Can we talk to you over here in the gift wrapping department?
Common James: What department? Where? You best just shut your trap while he fills up them bags over there!
Corvis: Hey, you! We’ve had about enough of this. [reaches for Common’s gun]
Common James: What the…?
Mr. Shipley:[scared] Oh, we’re gonna get it! Get it good! Oh, no!
[Common James’s gun is gift wrapped in shiny, flashy paper]
Common James: Oh, my God! This is the first gift I’ve ever done got given to me inside my hands here! Its so beautiful. [cries] This entire meaning of Christmas flashed before me. Thank you weirdoes! [leaves the store]
Wrapping Lady: You did it, Corvis!
Corvis: Now that is the magic of Christmas!
Wrapping Lady: Oh, I think I love you Corvis.
Corvis: You know that’s not happening.
[cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel