Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 10
10j: Jeff Bridges / Eminem & Lil Wayne
Julian Assange
Mark Zuckerberg…..Andy Samberg
Julian Assange…..Bill Hader
[ open on title card ]
Announcer: And now, a message from Mark Zuckerberg.
[ dissolve to Mark Zuckerberg seated in profile at his computer ]
Mark Zuckerberg: Hello. I’m Mark Zuckerberg. On Tuesday afternoon, I was named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year. While this a great honor for me, I could not have accomplished it without the half a billion users who make up Facebook’s social network —
[ the picture turns to snow, then falls upon the image of Julian Assange in his home ]
Julian Assange: Hello, again. It’s me, Julian Assange. I’m o-o-o-o-outtt! [ he sips his brandy ] As you may have heard, I was released from a British prison on bail, Thursday. Tonight, I want to take a moment to congratulate Time Magazine on the excellent selection of Mark Zuckerberg as Person of the Year. [ mockingly ] Time Magazine. Always on the cutting edge. Discovering Facebook only weeks after your grandmother!
[ he laughs maniacally as he sips his brandy ]
Ah! What are the differences between Mark Zuckerberg and me? Let’s take a look: I give you private information on corporations for free… and I’m a villain; Mark Zuckerberg gives your private information to corporations FOR money… and he’s Man of the Year.
[ he laughs maniacally as he sips his brandy ]
Thanks to Wikileaks, you can see how corrupt governments operate in the shadows… and then lie to those who elect them; Thanks to Facebook, you can finally figure out which “Sex and the City” character you are. I’m a Samantha. But, if the Swedish police ask — I’m a Charlotte.
[ he laughs maniacally as he sips his brandy ]
In order to make a movie about Mark Zuckerberg interesting, they had to make stuff up; In order to make a movie about me — just rated “R” — they’ll have to leave stuff out.
[ he laughs maniacally as he sips his brandy ]
Perhaps, in the end, Time chose Mark Zuckerberg because… he was the more dynamic choice. Let’s check back in with him.
[ the picture turns to snow, then returns to Mark Zuckerberg ]
Mark Zuckerberg: — And I think we can ALL agree… that’s an algorithm for FUN! [ he laughs like a dork ]
[ the picture turns to snow, then returns to the image of Julian Assange shaking his head ]
Julian Assange: In conclusion, a final reminder that no matter how I die — even if there’s a video of me peacefully dying of natural causes — it was murder. [ he grins ] And here’s a status update: Democracy is dead. Happy Holidaaaayyys!!
[ he sips his brandy as the picture turns snowy again and fades ]
