SNL Transcripts: Jeff Bridges: 12/18/10: Julian Assange


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 10

10j: Jeff Bridges / Eminem & Lil Wayne

Julian Assange

Mark Zuckerberg…..Andy Samberg
Julian Assange…..Bill Hader

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: And now, a message from Mark Zuckerberg.

[ dissolve to Mark Zuckerberg seated in profile at his computer ]

Mark Zuckerberg: Hello. I’m Mark Zuckerberg. On Tuesday afternoon, I was named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year. While this a great honor for me, I could not have accomplished it without the half a billion users who make up Facebook’s social network —

[ the picture turns to snow, then falls upon the image of Julian Assange in his home ]

Julian Assange: Hello, again. It’s me, Julian Assange. I’m o-o-o-o-outtt! [ he sips his brandy ] As you may have heard, I was released from a British prison on bail, Thursday. Tonight, I want to take a moment to congratulate Time Magazine on the excellent selection of Mark Zuckerberg as Person of the Year. [ mockingly ] Time Magazine. Always on the cutting edge. Discovering Facebook only weeks after your grandmother!

[ he laughs maniacally as he sips his brandy ]

Ah! What are the differences between Mark Zuckerberg and me? Let’s take a look: I give you private information on corporations for free… and I’m a villain; Mark Zuckerberg gives your private information to corporations FOR money… and he’s Man of the Year.

[ he laughs maniacally as he sips his brandy ]

Thanks to Wikileaks, you can see how corrupt governments operate in the shadows… and then lie to those who elect them; Thanks to Facebook, you can finally figure out which “Sex and the City” character you are. I’m a Samantha. But, if the Swedish police ask — I’m a Charlotte.

[ he laughs maniacally as he sips his brandy ]

In order to make a movie about Mark Zuckerberg interesting, they had to make stuff up; In order to make a movie about me — just rated “R” — they’ll have to leave stuff out.

[ he laughs maniacally as he sips his brandy ]

Perhaps, in the end, Time chose Mark Zuckerberg because… he was the more dynamic choice. Let’s check back in with him.

[ the picture turns to snow, then returns to Mark Zuckerberg ]

Mark Zuckerberg: — And I think we can ALL agree… that’s an algorithm for FUN! [ he laughs like a dork ]

[ the picture turns to snow, then returns to the image of Julian Assange shaking his head ]

Julian Assange: In conclusion, a final reminder that no matter how I die — even if there’s a video of me peacefully dying of natural causes — it was murder. [ he grins ] And here’s a status update: Democracy is dead. Happy Holidaaaayyys!!

[ he sips his brandy as the picture turns snowy again and fades ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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