SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 01/08/11: A Message from the Mayor of New York City

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 11

10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys

A Message from the Mayor of New York City

Mike Bloomberg…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: The following is a message from a New York mayor, Michael Bloomberg.

Mike Bloomberg: Hello! I’m Michael Bloomberg. Two weeks ago tomorrow, on December 26th, New York City was hit by what would be forever known as the Great Blizzard of 2010. The snow began to fall and by the time it stopped the next day, it was snow everywhere! On the streets. On the ground. In the trees. Even on those big rocks or whatever in Central Park. It was so deep, some city residents said they couldn’t even see the sidewalk in front of their apartment, until the building super shoveled it. It was, in short, a catastrophe. It brought this city to a complete standstill. Today, as we continue to dig ourselves out from this horror, many New Yorkers are left stunned, bewildered, and overcome with feelings of despair and hopelessness. Above all, we have questions:

1. Where does snow come from?

2. Is it dangerous?

3. Will the snow stay forever?

4. How do I get snow off my car?

5. And, what happens if snow touches suede?

Rest assured, my office is working to find answers to these questions. And many help professionals are standing by for those who find themselves overwhelmed by the enormity of this event. In the meantime, we continue to urge all of New Yorkers, as we have throughout this crisis, not to leave your apartments. Unless it’s absolutely essential. Don’t even look out your windows. If you run out of food, please don’t try to run out and get some. Don’t be a hero. Simply call a restaurant that delivers, and the Mexicans will bring you food.

Now the big question: What are we doing about removing the snow?

Tonight, I am pleased to report that, even as we speak, thousands of city sanitation workers are out on the plows. They’re not plowing yet. Right now, they’re playing cards. That’s in their contract. After they’re done playing cards, they’ll look at internet porn for an hour or so. Then stop for lunch. After that comes a two-hour break. Then we’ll send them home early. Also in their contract. But they’ll be back at noon when overtime kicks in. And do some snow renewal for about an hour. Followed by a 90-minute stoppage to protest department layoffs. After that, they’ll be extremely intoxicated. So our attorneys have advised us just to send them home early with pay rather than risk liability. On a related note, I am pleased to report 16th St., between 6th and 7th avenues, is now completely clear of snow. That’s because of a gas explosion and fire caused by one of our city snow plows hitting a propane truck. And let me assure you, the driver in question, who wasn’t intoxicated, will not be at the wheel again. He has been promoted to supervisor.

Before concluding, I wanna take a moment to thank every New Yorker for the astonishing courage and resolve you have displayed throughout this whole ordeal. And also to remind you that no natural disaster, even one as devastating as this, is ever an excuse for domestic violence. Or for smoking. At some point, we will overcome this crisis. However long it takes, however much it costs, I promise you, we will clear New York City of snow. And then, God willing, we can start on Queens.

Thank you, AND “LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!!”

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

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