SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 01/08/11: Jim Carrey’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 11












10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys

Jim Carrey’s Monologue

…..Jim Carrey

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jim Carrey!

Jim Carrey: Thank you! Thank you! How ’bout those Jets, New York? [ the audience cheers ] Yeah! It’s great to be back! Who’s up for an AMAZING New Year? [ the audience cheers ] Who thinks 2011… will be the best year EVER!! [ the audience cheers ] Who thought 2010 was TOTAL CRAP!! [ the audience cheers ] Wouldn’t want to go through that again, huh? [ he laughs maniacally ] What a nightmare! I’m just looking forward, that’s what I’m doing! I’ve always been a very positive person. Except when I’m angry, or depressed, or hungry. Then I can be a real handful. But, tonight, I’m seeing the beauty in everything. Like, right here in front of me — I’m looking at two of the most magnificent breasts I’ve ever seen! Congratulations, Sir!

[ reveal fat white guy in the front row ]

Male Audience Member: Thank you, Jim! Thank you!

Jim Carrey: No problem! No problem! See, THAT’S the kind of positive energy I’m talking about, when I’m hosting… “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE”!! [ the audience cheers ] Especially considering it’s the very first show of the last year of our existence! Dead birds are falling from the sky. Some people say that’s bad. I say: Arkansas eats free. Yes, sir! I’m bullish on the apocolypse! When life hands you lemons… you make lemonade! You know? When everybody around you bursts into flames, it’s time for S’mores! When the Earth opens up… so will parking spaces! And when I see a river of blood… I go kayaking, mister! But I would wear a condom. It is blood, after all.

[ he licks his lips comically ]

So let’s celebrate this new year TOGETHER! Let’s make this moment count! ‘Cause, frankly — it’s all we got. [ he looks into the audience ] How you doing, Ma’am? [ he steps toward her ] Good, yeah? You doing good tonight? What’s your name?

Female Audience Member: Mindy.

Jim Carrey: Mindy. Mindy. do you want to make this moment here tonight, Mindy, really count?

Female Audience Member: Absolutely!

Jim Carrey: [ kneeling ] Marry me, Mindy. Marry me, and make me the happiest man in the world. Shh! [ he holds his finger to her lips ] Just let me make my case. First of all… I’m Jim Carrey. And you know what that means — mucho dinero! Big bucks! Big bucks! Even with a pre-nup, really. ‘Cause, you know. And if you get pregnant, well, it’s all over! [ he laughs ] So… what’s it gonna be, Mindy? Please! Please say yes!

[ she holds her engagement ring ]

Jim Carrey: [ spurned ] Mindy! Let me see that, let me see that. [ he tries to pry her ring loose ] Oh, my God… I’ll just hold on to these.

[ she shakes her head know and frees her hand ]

Jim Carrey: Okay. Mindy — alright. Well, I guess I’m going to have to wait, aren’t I? [ she nods ] Okay! [ he looks across the aisle ] Come on, dude!

[ Carrey takes the fat guy’s hand and leads him up to Home Base ]

Jim Carrey: What’s your name?

Male Audience Member: Bob!

Jim Carrey: Bob. [ to the audience ] This is Bob, my new life partner!

[ Bob holds a thumbs-up ]

Jim Carrey: Thanks for nothing, Mindy! We’ll see you! Black Keys, come on back! We’re gonna go backstage now — we’re gonna consummate.

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