SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 01/08/11: Finding Your Power



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 11










10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys

Finding Your Power

Zack Twinefeld…..Jason Sudeikis
Ethan…..Andy Samberg
Jessica…..Vanessa Bayer
Garrett…..Jim Carrey

[ open on talk show set ]

Zack Twinefeld: Hello. And welcome to “Finding Your Power”. I’m licensed therapist Zack Twinefeld. And today we are focusing on how self-empowerment can be achieved through healthy confrontation. Now, Ethan — you said you recently had a very intense confrontation with your boss. Can you tell us what happened?

Ethan: Yes. My boss is a real jerk. And I was tired of dealing with it. So I marched into his office, got in his face and said: “You don’t like me, and I don’t care! and if you got a problem with me, that’s on YOU, buddy! You need to BACK OFF and let me do my job!”

Zack Twinefeld: Wow. I bet he was surprised by that.

Ethan: [ chuckling with delight ] Oh, believe me, he was!

Zack Twinefeld: Well, let’s see how it went.

Ethan: [ confused ] What? [ he looks around ]

Zack Twinefeld: We have the security camera footage. Let’s roll it.

[ cut to security camera footage: Ethan, alone in his boss’ office, crying ]

Ethan: Why don’t you like me! Whyyyy? [ sniffling ] I like youuuu! You know? I’m trying to do what you want! And I give you things! You never thank me! And I didn’t have a daaaad — and you KNOW that!! [ he bawls harder ] [ return to the set ]

Zack Twinefeld: [ stone-faced ] Wow. So, did that change things for you at work?

Ethan: [ a beat ] No, he wasn’t there yet. I just yelled at the desk.

Zack Twinefeld: I see. Well, you sure told his desk.

[ Ethan returns a sarcastic smile ]

Zack Twinefeld: Jessica! I understand you recently confronted your sister about how she treats you.

Jessica: [ smiling ] Yes, Zack! My sister’s a real Martha Stewart type — a perfect mother and wife, and she always makes me feel less than.

Zack Twinefeld: Mmm-hmm. But you spoke your mind, right?

Jessica: I sure did! She started belittling me at Christmas dinner, so I said: “Sherry! Do NOT speak to me in that condescending tone! If you have issues with the way I live MY life, then keep it… to… yourself!”

Zack Twinefeld: [ he raises his eyebrows ] Wow! Bold words.

Jessica: Yeah, well… she needed to hear it!

Zack Twinefeld: Well, we recorded it on our hidden camera. Let’s take a look.’

[ cut to hidden camera footage: Jessica gasping and crying at the dinner table ]

Jessica: Look at me! I’m all alone! I have TWO vibrators! TWO vibrators! Yuo have SO many people who LOVE you! I want your life! Trade with me! TRADE! With! Me!

[ return to the set ]

Zack Twinefeld: Hey, what’d you say at the end there? I couldn’t make it out.

Jessica: I said… “Trade with me.”

Zack Twinefeld: [ smugly ] “Trade with me.” That’s the one! Thank you, Jessica.

[ Jessica hangs her head in shame ]

Zack Twinefeld: Now, Garrett — You recently were on a trip with your wife, and she told you something shocking.

Garrett: Yes, she did. She told me that she was sleeping with another man. We were on a remote mountain in Vermont, where there were no cameras! But I can assure you… I set her straight! [ he smiles with great confidence ]

Zack Twinefeld: Is that right? You really laid down the law?

Garrett: [ triumphantly ] Oh! Yeah! I did! I looked her STRAIGHT in the eye, and I said: “I deserve better. We are done! Now, get the hell… OUT OF MY LIFE!!”

Zack Twinefeld: Incredibly assertive. And how did it feel to take your power back?

Garrett: [ beaming with pride ] Zack… it felt MAGNIFICENT!

[ Zack stares Garrett down uncomfortably, armed with his secret knowledge of the events ]

Zack Twinefeld: Well, we put a camera in your wife’s mouth — let’s roll it!

Garrett: [ stunned ] WHAT?!!

[ cut to hidden mouth-cam footage: Garrett bawling to his wife in the snow ]

Garrett: I can’t believe you don’t love me! Why?! I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! [ the camera pulls back ] No! No, don’t leave! Don’t leave! [ the mouth closes and re-opens ] Don’t leeeeeave!! [ the camera pulls back farther and father ] I’ll stop eating! I’ll die of starvation, and THEN you’ll see!! [ he throws himself down into the snow and writhes maniacally ] [ return to the set ]

Zack Twinefeld: [ grinning ] Sounds like you set her straight! From what I could, you know, hear through your sobbing.

Garrett: Hey — we’re still together! And the guy she’s seeing is pretty cool, so —

Zack Twinefeld: Well, how nice for you! Good work, everyone! We’ll see you next time. Good night!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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