SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 01/08/11: Psychic

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 11

10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys


Husband…..Jason Sudeikis
Wife…..Nasim Pedrad
Woman…..Vanessa Bayer
Psychic…..Jim Carrey

[ open on exterior, psychic reading shop ]

[ dissolve to interior, where three people sit around a medium table ]

Husband: I can’t believe we’re actually doing this — paying money to some “psychic”.

Wife: Honey, you said you’d keep an open mind.

Woman: I’m trying to contact my uncle. How about you?

Wife: My father. He passed away last Spring, and… I just wish I could speak to him one last time.

[ suddenly, the psychic appears from behind a curtain ]

Psychic: THAT… [ he wheels forward ] can be arranged. [ he chuckles ] Pardon me, my lateness. I was in the bathroom.

Woman: I didn’t hear a flush.

Psychic: [ ignoring her ] Let’s begin! I’m… Allam Alazambraaaaa! You’ve all lost loved ones, but I commune with the dead! And I channel their spirits.

Husband: Wait a second — do I know you from somewhere?

Psychic: [ he laughs ] Well — in the early Eighties, I was prominent celebrity impressionist Allen Mooch.

Husband: Oh, yeah!

[ the psychic laughs ]

Husband: Yeah, honey, remember? This guy was on “Comic Relief”, like, three times!

Psychic: Four times.

Husband: FOUR times!

Psychic: Yeah, but those days are behind me.

Wife: Whew! Well, it’s good you’re not a comedian any more, because we’re really looking for some answers.

Psychic: Don’t worry — I… am a psychic medium. And I take these grief sances very seriously. Take my hand. [ he extends his hands to the group ]

Woman: [ relunctant ] I didn’t hear a sink, either.

Psychic: [ he wipes his hand on his cloak ] Take my hand.

[ she finally takes his hand, as he gazes into the crystal ball ]

Psychic: [ whispering ] There is a spirit here… There is… a spirit in this room… a man. I can see his face!

Wife: [ excited ] Is it my father?

Psychic: No. It’s… it’s… Show yourself, spirit! It’s none other than… Mr. Jimmy Stewart! [ he breaks into a trance, gasps, then spins around in his chair and becomes Jimmy Stewart as Jefferson Smith: ] “That lady on top of the Capitol Dome — doggonit! That — that lady stands for liberty!”

[ the trance ends ]

Husband: [ excited ] Oh, wow! Wow! That sounded just like Jimmy Stewart!

Psychic: Thank you! He was the spirit that was there.

Wife: Why would… Jimmy Stewart want to contact us?

Psychic: I cannot answer that question. I’m just a humble medium! A vessel! From which they speak.

Wife: Well… can we try to contact my father?

Psychic: Yes. Take my hand. [ he holds out both of his hands ] Oh, hold on. [ he uses his left hand to first scratch his ass, then holds it back out for the woman ] That really itches! Take my hand. [ she relunctantly takes it ] I seeeee a spirit!

Wife: Is it my father?

Psychic: No. Unless your father was… the great… Bilie Holliday!

Husband: No way! No way!

[ the psychic gasps, turns his head and places a white flower upon his head, then returns to his customers ]

Psychic: [ singing as Billie Holiday ] “Nobody’s business… if I doooooo!”

[ the trance ends ]

Husband: Oh, man!

Wife: It’s just that I… REALLY wanted to speak to my father!

Psychic: [ looking into his crystal ball ] I SEE SOMEONE’S FATHER!!

Wife: [ hopeful ] What does he have to say?

Psychic: He wants to talk… about… growing pains.

Husband: Huh?

Psychic: Because he’s TV’s favorite father — Alan Thicke! [ he gasps, spins in his chair, and turns back as Alan Thicke ] “Michael Seaver! If I find out you’ve been cutting class… you can kiss that new Mustang GOODBYE!”

[ the husband is excited, and begins stamping his feet wildly ]

Wife: Wait a minute…

Psychic: [ out of his trance ] WHAT?! Too soon?

Wife: No. I’m pretty sure Alan Thicke is still alive — like… 60% sure.

Husband: That was GREAT!! NO ONE does a THICKE!! Do more spirits!!

Psychic: Miss Piggy’s with us!

Husband: Whoa! Is she?!

Wife: [ skeptical ] The fictional puppet, Miss Piggy?

Psychic: [ breaks into his Miss Piggy voice ] “Oh, Kermie! You are my favorite froggie!”

Husband: Wait, wait — is Kermit here, too?

Psychic: [ blinks his eyes and falls into character ] “I’m afraid so! [ singing ] It’s not easy bein’ green…”

Wife: Stop doing your ACT!

Psychic: [ outraged ] HOW DARE YOU?!! I can’t control spirits!!

Husband: No.

Psychic: Just like YOU can’t control… [ falling into a new character ] Mr. Charles Bronson. [ lifts his head ] “Heeeeeyyy, scumbag! You make me… wanna PUKE!”

Husband: Awesome! Awesome!

Wife: I’m leaving!

[ she stands up and exits ]

Husband: What?! Honey, you’re gonna miss his closer! [ to the psychic ] You were amazing!

[ he reluctantly follows his wife ]

Psychic: Thank you!

Woman: [ still enthusiastic ] Can we try to contact my uncle? You might have heard of him — he was the actor Marlon Brando?

Psychic: Don’t do Marlon! Don’t have a good Brando down!

Woman: [ game anyway ] Well… can you do a Sammy Davis, Jr.

Psychic: [ he scrunches his face ] Let’s just see… let’s see if he’s here. [ he presses his face onto the crystal ball, then lifts his head while holding the crystal ball in front of his eyeball and performs ] “THAT’S where I left that thing! [ singing ] Who can take an eyeball? Dip it in a dream…?”

[ pull back, fade ]

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