SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 01/08/11: Psychic



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 11














10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys

Psychic

Husband…..Jason Sudeikis
Wife…..Nasim Pedrad
Woman…..Vanessa Bayer
Psychic…..Jim Carrey

[ open on exterior, psychic reading shop ]

[ dissolve to interior, where three people sit around a medium table ]

Husband: I can’t believe we’re actually doing this — paying money to some “psychic”.

Wife: Honey, you said you’d keep an open mind.

Woman: I’m trying to contact my uncle. How about you?

Wife: My father. He passed away last Spring, and… I just wish I could speak to him one last time.

[ suddenly, the psychic appears from behind a curtain ]

Psychic: THAT… [ he wheels forward ] can be arranged. [ he chuckles ] Pardon me, my lateness. I was in the bathroom.

Woman: I didn’t hear a flush.

Psychic: [ ignoring her ] Let’s begin! I’m… Allam Alazambraaaaa! You’ve all lost loved ones, but I commune with the dead! And I channel their spirits.

Husband: Wait a second — do I know you from somewhere?

Psychic: [ he laughs ] Well — in the early Eighties, I was prominent celebrity impressionist Allen Mooch.

Husband: Oh, yeah!

[ the psychic laughs ]

Husband: Yeah, honey, remember? This guy was on “Comic Relief”, like, three times!

Psychic: Four times.

Husband: FOUR times!

Psychic: Yeah, but those days are behind me.

Wife: Whew! Well, it’s good you’re not a comedian any more, because we’re really looking for some answers.

Psychic: Don’t worry — I… am a psychic medium. And I take these grief sances very seriously. Take my hand. [ he extends his hands to the group ]

Woman: [ relunctant ] I didn’t hear a sink, either.

Psychic: [ he wipes his hand on his cloak ] Take my hand.

[ she finally takes his hand, as he gazes into the crystal ball ]

Psychic: [ whispering ] There is a spirit here… There is… a spirit in this room… a man. I can see his face!

Wife: [ excited ] Is it my father?

Psychic: No. It’s… it’s… Show yourself, spirit! It’s none other than… Mr. Jimmy Stewart! [ he breaks into a trance, gasps, then spins around in his chair and becomes Jimmy Stewart as Jefferson Smith: ] “That lady on top of the Capitol Dome — doggonit! That — that lady stands for liberty!”

[ the trance ends ]

Husband: [ excited ] Oh, wow! Wow! That sounded just like Jimmy Stewart!

Psychic: Thank you! He was the spirit that was there.

Wife: Why would… Jimmy Stewart want to contact us?

Psychic: I cannot answer that question. I’m just a humble medium! A vessel! From which they speak.

Wife: Well… can we try to contact my father?

Psychic: Yes. Take my hand. [ he holds out both of his hands ] Oh, hold on. [ he uses his left hand to first scratch his ass, then holds it back out for the woman ] That really itches! Take my hand. [ she relunctantly takes it ] I seeeee a spirit!

Wife: Is it my father?

Psychic: No. Unless your father was… the great… Bilie Holliday!

Husband: No way! No way!

[ the psychic gasps, turns his head and places a white flower upon his head, then returns to his customers ]

Psychic: [ singing as Billie Holiday ] “Nobody’s business… if I doooooo!”

[ the trance ends ]

Husband: Oh, man!

Wife: It’s just that I… REALLY wanted to speak to my father!

Psychic: [ looking into his crystal ball ] I SEE SOMEONE’S FATHER!!

Wife: [ hopeful ] What does he have to say?

Psychic: He wants to talk… about… growing pains.

Husband: Huh?

Psychic: Because he’s TV’s favorite father — Alan Thicke! [ he gasps, spins in his chair, and turns back as Alan Thicke ] “Michael Seaver! If I find out you’ve been cutting class… you can kiss that new Mustang GOODBYE!”

[ the husband is excited, and begins stamping his feet wildly ]

Wife: Wait a minute…

Psychic: [ out of his trance ] WHAT?! Too soon?

Wife: No. I’m pretty sure Alan Thicke is still alive — like… 60% sure.

Husband: That was GREAT!! NO ONE does a THICKE!! Do more spirits!!

Psychic: Miss Piggy’s with us!

Husband: Whoa! Is she?!

Wife: [ skeptical ] The fictional puppet, Miss Piggy?

Psychic: [ breaks into his Miss Piggy voice ] “Oh, Kermie! You are my favorite froggie!”

Husband: Wait, wait — is Kermit here, too?

Psychic: [ blinks his eyes and falls into character ] “I’m afraid so! [ singing ] It’s not easy bein’ green…”

Wife: Stop doing your ACT!

Psychic: [ outraged ] HOW DARE YOU?!! I can’t control spirits!!

Husband: No.

Psychic: Just like YOU can’t control… [ falling into a new character ] Mr. Charles Bronson. [ lifts his head ] “Heeeeeyyy, scumbag! You make me… wanna PUKE!”

Husband: Awesome! Awesome!

Wife: I’m leaving!

[ she stands up and exits ]

Husband: What?! Honey, you’re gonna miss his closer! [ to the psychic ] You were amazing!

[ he reluctantly follows his wife ]

Psychic: Thank you!

Woman: [ still enthusiastic ] Can we try to contact my uncle? You might have heard of him — he was the actor Marlon Brando?

Psychic: Don’t do Marlon! Don’t have a good Brando down!

Woman: [ game anyway ] Well… can you do a Sammy Davis, Jr.

Psychic: [ he scrunches his face ] Let’s just see… let’s see if he’s here. [ he presses his face onto the crystal ball, then lifts his head while holding the crystal ball in front of his eyeball and performs ] “THAT’S where I left that thing! [ singing ] Who can take an eyeball? Dip it in a dream…?”

[ pull back, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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