Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 11
[ open on exterior, psychic reading shop ]
[ dissolve to interior, where three people sit around a medium table ]
Husband: I can’t believe we’re actually doing this — paying money to some “psychic”.
Wife: Honey, you said you’d keep an open mind.
Woman: I’m trying to contact my uncle. How about you?
Wife: My father. He passed away last Spring, and… I just wish I could speak to him one last time.
[ suddenly, the psychic appears from behind a curtain ]
Psychic: THAT… [ he wheels forward ] can be arranged. [ he chuckles ] Pardon me, my lateness. I was in the bathroom.
Woman: I didn’t hear a flush.
Psychic: [ ignoring her ] Let’s begin! I’m… Allam Alazambraaaaa! You’ve all lost loved ones, but I commune with the dead! And I channel their spirits.
Husband: Wait a second — do I know you from somewhere?
Psychic: [ he laughs ] Well — in the early Eighties, I was prominent celebrity impressionist Allen Mooch.
Husband: Oh, yeah!
[ the psychic laughs ]
Husband: Yeah, honey, remember? This guy was on “Comic Relief”, like, three times!
Psychic: Four times.
Husband: FOUR times!
Psychic: Yeah, but those days are behind me.
Wife: Whew! Well, it’s good you’re not a comedian any more, because we’re really looking for some answers.
Psychic: Don’t worry — I… am a psychic medium. And I take these grief sances very seriously. Take my hand. [ he extends his hands to the group ]
Woman: [ relunctant ] I didn’t hear a sink, either.
Psychic: [ he wipes his hand on his cloak ] Take my hand.
[ she finally takes his hand, as he gazes into the crystal ball ]
Psychic: [ whispering ] There is a spirit here… There is… a spirit in this room… a man. I can see his face!
Wife: [ excited ] Is it my father?
Psychic: No. It’s… it’s… Show yourself, spirit! It’s none other than… Mr. Jimmy Stewart! [ he breaks into a trance, gasps, then spins around in his chair and becomes Jimmy Stewart as Jefferson Smith: ] “That lady on top of the Capitol Dome — doggonit! That — that lady stands for liberty!”
[ the trance ends ]
Husband: [ excited ] Oh, wow! Wow! That sounded just like Jimmy Stewart!
Psychic: Thank you! He was the spirit that was there.
Wife: Why would… Jimmy Stewart want to contact us?
Psychic: I cannot answer that question. I’m just a humble medium! A vessel! From which they speak.
Wife: Well… can we try to contact my father?
Psychic: Yes. Take my hand. [ he holds out both of his hands ] Oh, hold on. [ he uses his left hand to first scratch his ass, then holds it back out for the woman ] That really itches! Take my hand. [ she relunctantly takes it ] I seeeee a spirit!
Wife: Is it my father?
Psychic: No. Unless your father was… the great… Bilie Holliday!
Husband: No way! No way!
[ the psychic gasps, turns his head and places a white flower upon his head, then returns to his customers ]
Psychic: [ singing as Billie Holiday ] “Nobody’s business… if I doooooo!”
[ the trance ends ]
Husband: Oh, man!
Wife: It’s just that I… REALLY wanted to speak to my father!
Psychic: [ looking into his crystal ball ] I SEE SOMEONE’S FATHER!!
Wife: [ hopeful ] What does he have to say?
Psychic: He wants to talk… about… growing pains.
Psychic: Because he’s TV’s favorite father — Alan Thicke! [ he gasps, spins in his chair, and turns back as Alan Thicke ] “Michael Seaver! If I find out you’ve been cutting class… you can kiss that new Mustang GOODBYE!”
[ the husband is excited, and begins stamping his feet wildly ]
Wife: Wait a minute…
Psychic: [ out of his trance ] WHAT?! Too soon?
Wife: No. I’m pretty sure Alan Thicke is still alive — like… 60% sure.
Husband: That was GREAT!! NO ONE does a THICKE!! Do more spirits!!
Psychic: Miss Piggy’s with us!
Husband: Whoa! Is she?!
Wife: [ skeptical ] The fictional puppet, Miss Piggy?
Psychic: [ breaks into his Miss Piggy voice ] “Oh, Kermie! You are my favorite froggie!”
Husband: Wait, wait — is Kermit here, too?
Psychic: [ blinks his eyes and falls into character ] “I’m afraid so! [ singing ] It’s not easy bein’ green…”
Wife: Stop doing your ACT!
Psychic: [ outraged ] HOW DARE YOU?!! I can’t control spirits!!
Psychic: Just like YOU can’t control… [ falling into a new character ] Mr. Charles Bronson. [ lifts his head ] “Heeeeeyyy, scumbag! You make me… wanna PUKE!”
Husband: Awesome! Awesome!
Wife: I’m leaving!
[ she stands up and exits ]
Husband: What?! Honey, you’re gonna miss his closer! [ to the psychic ] You were amazing!
[ he reluctantly follows his wife ]
Psychic: Thank you!
Woman: [ still enthusiastic ] Can we try to contact my uncle? You might have heard of him — he was the actor Marlon Brando?
Psychic: Don’t do Marlon! Don’t have a good Brando down!
Woman: [ game anyway ] Well… can you do a Sammy Davis, Jr.
Psychic: [ he scrunches his face ] Let’s just see… let’s see if he’s here. [ he presses his face onto the crystal ball, then lifts his head while holding the crystal ball in front of his eyeball and performs ] “THAT’S where I left that thing! [ singing ] Who can take an eyeball? Dip it in a dream…?”
[ pull back, fade ]