Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 11
(opens with NINA as the Swan)
Thomas: Very good, Nina. Your White Swan is flawless. But my problem is Im not just casting the White Swan. Im also casting the Black Swan. One down South, two rows. Your White Swan, again, is perfect. Your Black Swan is very disappointing.
Nina: Ugh!!! I see.
Thomas: White Swan thumbs up. Black Swan not so much.
Nina: I got it.
Thomas: White Swan sure. Black Swan ew.
Nina: Thomas! (pronounced Ta-ma) Please.
Thomas: Besides, someones Black Swan is far superior.
Nina: Who?! Her?!
(Dancer looks with a crazy look)
Thomas: No! Not her! Her!!!!!!!
Lily: Sorry Im late, I had to go numbers three and four.
Thomas: Its ok, Lily. Warm up.
Lily: O! Im already warm. Im all swampy in my pants.
Thomas: Shes already warm! Isnt she great? Shes so comfortable with her body. She even has two swan wings tattooed on her back.
Nina: I think those are like buffalo wings!
Thomas: Lily! Black Swan, now!
Lily: Get ready to rock, bitches!
Nina: But, Thomas! Thats my role!
Thomas: Nina! I want you to watch her! I want you to learn from! Watch the way she moves, Nina! Shes so persisted but beautiful! Watch, as she becomes the Black Swan! Yes! Yes! She is hungry! Hungry for bread crumbs! Watch as she seduces me! She wants to poses me to control me! She feels nothing! Its passion! Mysterious! Dangerous!
Lily: Hoi! Hoi!
Thomas: Yes! Thats good enough! That dance could seduce me. But no one enjoys seduction more than me the words only straight from a French choreographer.
Nina: But Thomas! I can do it
Thomas: David! David! Let me ask you something! Would you have sex with this woman? What about her, would you have sex with her?
David: Yes! Absolutely I would! Yes!
Thomas: You see, Nina? Must have been un-clear! White Swan is good! Black Swan is bad!
Nina: Yeah, I got it!
Thomas: Because if you dont I have prepared chart. Let me see this chart I made. You can take it home if you want -
Nina: Im not gonna do that!
Thomas: You see, Nina, you are the White Swan, youre innocent, naïve. You must become like the Black Swan. Shes compulsive, she goes to clubs, she does ecstasy.
Nina: I can do this role, Thomas! I know I can!
Thomas: Then theres only one way to decide this. Both of you must dance. Whoever can seduce me will be the Swan Queen!
Thomas: Shes brilliant, see Nina, she stuck her gum in my ear! Ive made my decision. The Swan Queen will be Nina. Because I see something in her.
Thomas: Lily! Lily! Because Lily, when you climbed on me, I felt a penis.
Lily: Fine. Im out of here. But just remember. Once you go Black Swan, you never go back swan.
(Closes with LILY as the Swan)
Submitted by: Connor Cronholm