SNL Transcripts: Gwyneth Paltrow: 01/15/11

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 12


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Special Guests:

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January 15th, 2011

Gwyneth Paltrow

Cee-Lo Green

None

Pee Wee Herman

Anderson Cooper

None

Fox News: Embracing CivilitySummary: Greta Van Susteren (Kristen Wiig) and fellow Republican pundits make a slight effort to put aside heated rhetoric while discussing politic viewpoints that differ from their own, until they’re baited by James Carville (Bill Hader) and Rachel Maddow (Abby Elliott).

Recurring Characters: Greta Van Susteren, Glenn Beck, James Carville, Rachel Maddow.

Montage

Gwyneth Paltrow’s MonologueSummary: Fancying herself a country music enthusiast after starring in “Country Strong”, Gwyneth Paltrow makes a half-assed effort to join Kenny Rogers (Jason Sudeikis) for a duet of “Islands in the Stream”.

Recurring Characters: Kenny Rogers, Dolly Parton.

NBCSummary: NBC’s latest round of midseason replacements are crime-dramas focused on obscure pieces of clothing.

Secret WordSummary: Emcee Lyle Round (Bill Hader) is frustrated when celebrity panelists Mindy Grayson (Kristen Wiig) and Titsy Bismark Dublinson (Gwyneth Paltrow) are unable to grasp the concept of the game without sacrificing their huge egos.

Recurring Characters: Lyle Round, Mindy Grayson.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg meets Pee Wee Herman in a bar, goes a wild drinking spree, beats Anderson Cooper with a chair, and is then put to an intervention by their friends for being a bad influence on one another.

Transcript

Bar MitzvahSummary: Jacob (Vanessa Bayer) thanks people for attending his rockin’ Bar Mitzvah, which features Jewish-inspired performances from Taylor Swift (Gwyneth Paltrow), Jay-Z (Jay Pharoah), Alicia Keys (Nasim Pedrad), Katy Perry (Abby Elliott), and Cee Lo Green.

Recurring Characters: Katy Perry.

What the Forget!Summary: Cee Lo Green’s record manager (Gwyneth Paltrow) espouses near-obscenities in her quest to lift the FCC’s censoring of his profanely-titled hit single.

Transcript

Cee Lo Green performs “Forget You”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: During “Weekend Update’s Constitution Corner”, Seth Meyers swears the founding fathers would rethink the right to bear arms if they saw the guns of today. Rent Is Too Damn High spokesman Jimmy McMillan (Kenan Thompson) announces his candidacy for the 2012 Republican Party nomination. Vanessa Bayer catches up with Golden Globe nominees at the pre-show party. Garth (Fred Armisen) and Kat (Kristen Wiig) and their songwriter (Gwyneth Paltrow) perform a Christmas trio.

Recurring Characters: Jimmy McMillan, Cher, Garth, Kat.

False HistorySummary: At the Globe Theater in 1594, Shakespearean actors (Taran Killam, Gwyneth Paltrow) perform previews of upcoming plays for a disgruntled crowd.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of the Anne Hathaway episode earlier in the season.

Transcript

Fresh Prince Lost EpisodesSummary: Will Smith (Jay Pharoah) presents lost episodes of “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” to celebrate the show’s 20th anniversary.

Recurring Characters: Will Smith.

Sportscenter DeportesSummary: Spanish sports anchors Ramon Zaragoza (Paul Brittain) and Sofia Cortez (Gwyneth Paltrow) use Americanized accents to recite American phrases.

Transcript

Cee Lo Green performs “Bright Lights Bigger City”

Parker/Spitzer AuditionsSummary: Eliot Spitzer (Bill Hader) auditions new co-hosts after the departure of Katherine Parker.

Recurring Characters: Eliot Spitzer, Christiane Amanpour, David Patersen.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The Dr. Cecil ShowSummary: Because he’s wanted by the police, Dr. Cecil (Kenan Thompson) flees during the taping of his show and runs amok on the streets of New York.

Nashville MeetingSummary: While meeting with Jerry Reed (Jason Sudeikis) to have their record produced, musician (Jay Pharoah) reveals that he’s not really friends with his partner (Gwyneth Paltrow).

Jimmy JohnsonSummary: Jimmy Johnson (Bobby Moynihan) simultaneously promotes Prudential insurance and Extenze male enhancement pills in one all-purpose commercial.

The MikesSummary: A woman (Kristen Wiig) tries to convince her friend (Gwyneth Paltrow) to hire three guys named Mike (Bobby Moynihan, Taran Killam, Paul Brittain).

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