Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 12
10l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Cee Lo Green
Male Audience Member…..Andy Samberg
Female Audience Member…..Kristen Wiig
William Shakespeare…..Bill Hader
Lute Player…..Fred Armisen
Black Man…..Jay Pharoah
[ open on art card: Globe Theater, 1594 ] [ dissolve to theater stage ]
Emcee: Greetings, countrymen! And welcome to the illustrious Globe Theater! Tonight, we are proud to present William Shakespeare’s Taming of the Shrew.[ the audience applauds ]
Male Audience Member: Huzzahhhh!!
Female Audience Member: Three cheers for The Bard!
Emcee: But, first — we are trying something rather novel here at the Globe. Our actors are going to give you a glance ahead, at some of our Coming Attractions! We call them… Previews.[ the audience frowns in confusion ]
Male Audience Member: Previews?
Female Audience Member: Curious!
William Shakespeare: [ in deep tone ] Coming soon: Romeo thought he had everything!
Actor: Methinks I have… everything.
William Shakespeare: — Until he fell in love… with the enemy!
Actress: I am Juliet, from Capulet.
Actor: The whaaaat?[ lute player steps forward ]
Actress: [ singing ]“I’ve got a feeling…
That this is going to be a good eve.”
All: [ singing ]“That this eve’s going to be
A good, good eve!”
William Shakespeare: “Romeo and Juliet”. It’s a romance… to die for!
Male Audience Member: I don’t know if I care for these previews!
Female Audience Member: They gave away the whole plot! Now, start the play!
Male Audience Member: START THE PLAY!!
Emcee: In a moment, thank you, sir. But, first, a quick reminder: Make sure to silence your falcon —[ reveal wide-grinning audience member holding a falcon. The falcon screeches, so the audience member places a nuzzle over his beak ]
Emcee: And, in case of a fire, the emergency exits are… nowhere. So, please, make your peace with God. Now, enjoy… The Taming of the Shrew — after one more preview!
William Shakespeare: [ in deep tone ] Coming soon: Hamlet never believed in ghosts!
Actor: That’s all HOGWASH!
William Shakespeare: — Until his own father came back — from the dead![ an actor in a white sheet appears behind Hamlet ]
Black Man in Audience: [ screaming ] Hey, watch out, Hamlet! It’s a GHOST!!
Male Audience Member: Shhh!! Keep it down! Now, start the play!
Female Audience Member: Start the play already!!
Emcee: Please, please! Just another quick reminder: Any recording of today’s play is prohibited.[ a painter in the audience looks up from his canvas of the theater, quickly retrieves his easel and runs for it ]
Emcee: And, remember: Refreshments are available in the foyer.[ actors dance on stage ]
Actor & Actress: [ singing ]“Let’s all go to the lobby!
Let’s all go to the lobby!
Let’s all go to the lobby!”
Actor: And eat some boiled duck!
Black Man in Audience: Awww, HELL nay!
Male Audience Member: [ holding up a large chalise ] And can you believe this is a Small?!
Emcee: And now, without further ado, I give you Taming of the Shrew — after ONE more preview!
William Shakespeare: [ in deep tone ] Coming soon: You love Henry IV. Well, guess what? There’s a new king in town!
Actress: Henry IV, I presume?
Actor: Not… exactly.
William Shakespeare: Henry… the Fifth! [ he smiles ]
Male Audience Member: Let’s burn this place DOWWWWWWNNNN!![ the audience cheers him on in agreement ] [ freeze-frame ]
Announcer: [ over scroll ] And so they did. And no one ever heard of shakespeare again. This has been… FALSE HISTORY! Good night![ fade ]