Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 12
10l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Cee Lo Green
An SNL Digital Short
…..Andy Samberg
…..Pee Wee Herman
…..Anderson Cooper
…..Fred Armisen
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Kenan Thompson
Andy Samberg: [ to the bartender ] Hey. Can I have a beer, please?
Bartender: Sure, you got it.
Andy Samberg: Thanks. [ he turns to the person sitting next to him ] Excuse me, you know what time it is?
Pee Wee Herman: Time for you to get a watch! [ he laughs playfully ]
Andy Samberg: Pee Wee Herman? Awesome! Oh my gosh, I’m such a big fan!
Pee Wee Herman: [ he laughs ] I know you are, but what am I?
Andy Samberg: [ excited ] YES! I love that! Hey, you gotta let me buy you a drink!
Pee Wee Herman: Well… I usually just stick with milk.
Andy Samberg: Oh.
Pee Wee Herman: I guess just this once! [ he laughs ]
Andy Samberg: Awesome! Excuse me, bartender? [ he holds up two fingers ] SHOTS!
Andy Samberg: Cheers!
[ strobe effects as they down their shots ]Sountrack: “DRINKS! DRINKS! DRINKS! DRINKS! DRINKS!”
Pee Wee Herman: Two more, please!
[ more shots are presented, and they down them quickly ]Sountrack: “DRINKS! DRINKS! DRINKS!”
Pee Wee Herman: TWO MORE!!
[ more shots are downed quickly ]Pee Wee Herman: TWO MOOOOOOORE!!
Sountrack: “MORE DRINKS!!”
[ a drunken Andy and Pee Wee ride the mechanical bull together ]Man: TEQUILA!!
[ “Tequila” plays, as Andy and Pee Wee Herman appear on the bar counter to do the Tequila dance ] [ they down more shots in slow-motion, as “Tequila” plays at a slower speed ]Andy & Pee Wee: TEQUILAAAA!!!
[ cut to Andy and Pee Wee exiting the bar some time later ]Pee Wee Herman: Ah, this was the best night of my life, Andy!
Andy Samberg: The same. [ looking ] Hey, look — it’s Anderson Cooper!
Pee Wee Herman: You wanna play a prank on him?
Andy Samberg: Yes!
[ Andy runs after Anderson Cooper ]Andy Samberg: Hey! Hey, Anderson!
Anderson Cooper: Hey! Andy! How’s it going?
Andy Samberg: Hey, can I ask you a question? Do you know Barbara Walters?
Anderson Cooper: Sure.
Andy Samberg: You guys ever hook up?
Anderson Cooper: [ confused ] Is this a joke?
[ Andy shakes his head no ]Pee Wee Herman: Ohhhh, Anderson!
[ Anderson turns to look, as Pee Wee swings a chair at his head ]Pee Wee Herman: Here’s a headline!
Together: PRAAAAANKK!!
[ they run around the corner, where they are stopped by a cop ]Pee Wee Herman: F–K! [ slurred ] What seems to be the problem, Officer?
Officer: You boys been drinking tonight?
[ they laugh nervously ]Officer: I’m afraid I’m going to have to give you a breathylyzer test. When I say “Blow” —
[ Andy blows flames out of his mouth ]Andy Samberg: I had one drink.
Pee Wee Herman: Oh, Officer! Here’s a headline!
[ Pee Wee swings a chair at the officer’s head and drops him to the ground ] [ cut to Andy and Pee Wee entering Andy’s apartment ]Pee Wee Herman: Ha ha ha, did you see the look on that PIG’s face?!
Andy Samberg: That pig got WRECKED!!
[ Andy looks across the room to see Fred Armisen, Kristen Wiig, and Kenan Thompson seated on his couch ]Andy Samberg: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Fred Armisen: This is an intervention, Andy.
Pee Wee Herman: What’s the big problem?! He’s just trying to have some FUN!
Andy Samberg: Yeah!
Kristen Wiig: He’s not the only one with a problem, Pee Wee. Your friends are here, too.
[ Pee Wee looks over to see Chairy, Terry, and Conky standing by ]Pee Wee Herman: Chairy?
Chairy: Hello, Pee Wee!
Pee Wee Herman: Terry?
Terry: I’m appalled!
Pee Wee Herman: Conky?
Conky: You’re a b-b-b-b-bad influence on each other!
Andy Samberg: We are not!
[ a bandaged Andersoon Cooper appears ]Anderson Cooper: Oh, really?
Pee Wee Herman: [ stunned ] Hey, Anderson…
Anderson Cooper: You almost hit me in the eye! Do you know what would happen if I lost these eyes? They’re a national treasure!
Andy Samberg: They are!
Pee Wee Herman: You’d be blind… that’d be terrible…
Fred Armisen: You guys can’t hang out together any more. Why don’t you take a moment… to say goodbye?
Pee Wee Herman: Okay… [ he turns ] Goodbye, Andy. It was fun while it lasted. And even though you’re a bad influence… you’re a GREAT friend.
Andy Samberg: I know you are… but what am I?
Pee Wee Herman: [ faces the camera, shocked ] The sonofabitch stole my line!
Chairy: They’re cured!
Conky: Hooray!
[ everyone cheers ]Terry: Let’s celebrate by doing some shots!
Everyone: SHOOOOOOOTTTTSSS!!!
Andy & Pee Wee: SHOOOTTTSSS!!
Chairy: Shots!
Anderson Cooper: Shots!
[ everyone chugs shots ] [ Anderson Cooper attempts to sit on Chairy ]Chairy: GET THE F–K OFF OF ME!!
Andy & Pee Wee: SHOOOTTTSSS!!
[ fade ]