SNL Transcripts: Gwyneth Paltrow: 01/15/11: An SNL Digital Short

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 12

10l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Cee Lo Green

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Pee Wee Herman
…..Anderson Cooper
…..Fred Armisen
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Kenan Thompson

[ Andy Samberg walks into a bar ]

Andy Samberg: [ to the bartender ] Hey. Can I have a beer, please?

Bartender: Sure, you got it.

Andy Samberg: Thanks. [ he turns to the person sitting next to him ] Excuse me, you know what time it is?

[ the man is revealed to be Pee Wee Herman ]

Pee Wee Herman: Time for you to get a watch! [ he laughs playfully ]

Andy Samberg: Pee Wee Herman? Awesome! Oh my gosh, I’m such a big fan!

Pee Wee Herman: [ he laughs ] I know you are, but what am I?

Andy Samberg: [ excited ] YES! I love that! Hey, you gotta let me buy you a drink!

Pee Wee Herman: Well… I usually just stick with milk.

Andy Samberg: Oh.

Pee Wee Herman: I guess just this once! [ he laughs ]

Andy Samberg: Awesome! Excuse me, bartender? [ he holds up two fingers ] SHOTS!

[ Andy and Pee Wee each lift a shot ]

Andy Samberg: Cheers!

[ strobe effects as they down their shots ]


Pee Wee Herman: Two more, please!

[ more shots are presented, and they down them quickly ]


Pee Wee Herman: TWO MORE!!

[ more shots are downed quickly ]

Pee Wee Herman: TWO MOOOOOOORE!!

Sountrack: “MORE DRINKS!!”

[ a drunken Andy and Pee Wee ride the mechanical bull together ]


[ “Tequila” plays, as Andy and Pee Wee Herman appear on the bar counter to do the Tequila dance ] [ they down more shots in slow-motion, as “Tequila” plays at a slower speed ]

Andy & Pee Wee: TEQUILAAAA!!!

[ cut to Andy and Pee Wee exiting the bar some time later ]

Pee Wee Herman: Ah, this was the best night of my life, Andy!

Andy Samberg: The same. [ looking ] Hey, look — it’s Anderson Cooper!

[ Anderson Cooper is seen in the distance ]

Pee Wee Herman: You wanna play a prank on him?

Andy Samberg: Yes!

[ Andy runs after Anderson Cooper ]

Andy Samberg: Hey! Hey, Anderson!

Anderson Cooper: Hey! Andy! How’s it going?

Andy Samberg: Hey, can I ask you a question? Do you know Barbara Walters?

Anderson Cooper: Sure.

Andy Samberg: You guys ever hook up?

Anderson Cooper: [ confused ] Is this a joke?

[ Andy shakes his head no ]

Pee Wee Herman: Ohhhh, Anderson!

[ Anderson turns to look, as Pee Wee swings a chair at his head ]

Pee Wee Herman: Here’s a headline!

[ Anderson drops to the ground, as Pee and Andy high-five ]

Together: PRAAAAANKK!!

[ they run around the corner, where they are stopped by a cop ]

Pee Wee Herman: F–K! [ slurred ] What seems to be the problem, Officer?

Officer: You boys been drinking tonight?

[ they laugh nervously ]

Officer: I’m afraid I’m going to have to give you a breathylyzer test. When I say “Blow” —

[ Andy blows flames out of his mouth ]

Andy Samberg: I had one drink.

Pee Wee Herman: Oh, Officer! Here’s a headline!

[ Pee Wee swings a chair at the officer’s head and drops him to the ground ] [ cut to Andy and Pee Wee entering Andy’s apartment ]

Pee Wee Herman: Ha ha ha, did you see the look on that PIG’s face?!

Andy Samberg: That pig got WRECKED!!

[ Andy looks across the room to see Fred Armisen, Kristen Wiig, and Kenan Thompson seated on his couch ]

Andy Samberg: Hey, what are you guys doing here?

Fred Armisen: This is an intervention, Andy.

Pee Wee Herman: What’s the big problem?! He’s just trying to have some FUN!

Andy Samberg: Yeah!

Kristen Wiig: He’s not the only one with a problem, Pee Wee. Your friends are here, too.

[ Pee Wee looks over to see Chairy, Terry, and Conky standing by ]

Pee Wee Herman: Chairy?

Chairy: Hello, Pee Wee!

Pee Wee Herman: Terry?

Terry: I’m appalled!

Pee Wee Herman: Conky?

Conky: You’re a b-b-b-b-bad influence on each other!

Andy Samberg: We are not!

[ a bandaged Andersoon Cooper appears ]

Anderson Cooper: Oh, really?

Pee Wee Herman: [ stunned ] Hey, Anderson…

Anderson Cooper: You almost hit me in the eye! Do you know what would happen if I lost these eyes? They’re a national treasure!

Andy Samberg: They are!

Pee Wee Herman: You’d be blind… that’d be terrible…

Fred Armisen: You guys can’t hang out together any more. Why don’t you take a moment… to say goodbye?

Pee Wee Herman: Okay… [ he turns ] Goodbye, Andy. It was fun while it lasted. And even though you’re a bad influence… you’re a GREAT friend.

Andy Samberg: I know you are… but what am I?

Pee Wee Herman: [ faces the camera, shocked ] The sonofabitch stole my line!

Chairy: They’re cured!

Conky: Hooray!

[ everyone cheers ]

Terry: Let’s celebrate by doing some shots!


Andy & Pee Wee: SHOOOTTTSSS!!

Chairy: Shots!

Anderson Cooper: Shots!

[ everyone chugs shots ] [ Anderson Cooper attempts to sit on Chairy ]


Andy & Pee Wee: SHOOOTTTSSS!!

[ fade ]

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