SNL Transcripts: Gwyneth Paltrow: 01/15/11: An SNL Digital Short



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 12














10l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Cee Lo Green

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Pee Wee Herman
…..Anderson Cooper
…..Fred Armisen
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Kenan Thompson

[ Andy Samberg walks into a bar ]

Andy Samberg: [ to the bartender ] Hey. Can I have a beer, please?

Bartender: Sure, you got it.

Andy Samberg: Thanks. [ he turns to the person sitting next to him ] Excuse me, you know what time it is?

[ the man is revealed to be Pee Wee Herman ]

Pee Wee Herman: Time for you to get a watch! [ he laughs playfully ]

Andy Samberg: Pee Wee Herman? Awesome! Oh my gosh, I’m such a big fan!

Pee Wee Herman: [ he laughs ] I know you are, but what am I?

Andy Samberg: [ excited ] YES! I love that! Hey, you gotta let me buy you a drink!

Pee Wee Herman: Well… I usually just stick with milk.

Andy Samberg: Oh.

Pee Wee Herman: I guess just this once! [ he laughs ]

Andy Samberg: Awesome! Excuse me, bartender? [ he holds up two fingers ] SHOTS!

[ Andy and Pee Wee each lift a shot ]

Andy Samberg: Cheers!

[ strobe effects as they down their shots ]

Sountrack: “DRINKS! DRINKS! DRINKS! DRINKS! DRINKS!”

Pee Wee Herman: Two more, please!

[ more shots are presented, and they down them quickly ]

Sountrack: “DRINKS! DRINKS! DRINKS!”

Pee Wee Herman: TWO MORE!!

[ more shots are downed quickly ]

Pee Wee Herman: TWO MOOOOOOORE!!

Sountrack: “MORE DRINKS!!”

[ a drunken Andy and Pee Wee ride the mechanical bull together ]

Man: TEQUILA!!

[ “Tequila” plays, as Andy and Pee Wee Herman appear on the bar counter to do the Tequila dance ] [ they down more shots in slow-motion, as “Tequila” plays at a slower speed ]

Andy & Pee Wee: TEQUILAAAA!!!

[ cut to Andy and Pee Wee exiting the bar some time later ]

Pee Wee Herman: Ah, this was the best night of my life, Andy!

Andy Samberg: The same. [ looking ] Hey, look — it’s Anderson Cooper!

[ Anderson Cooper is seen in the distance ]

Pee Wee Herman: You wanna play a prank on him?

Andy Samberg: Yes!

[ Andy runs after Anderson Cooper ]

Andy Samberg: Hey! Hey, Anderson!

Anderson Cooper: Hey! Andy! How’s it going?

Andy Samberg: Hey, can I ask you a question? Do you know Barbara Walters?

Anderson Cooper: Sure.

Andy Samberg: You guys ever hook up?

Anderson Cooper: [ confused ] Is this a joke?

[ Andy shakes his head no ]

Pee Wee Herman: Ohhhh, Anderson!

[ Anderson turns to look, as Pee Wee swings a chair at his head ]

Pee Wee Herman: Here’s a headline!

[ Anderson drops to the ground, as Pee and Andy high-five ]

Together: PRAAAAANKK!!

[ they run around the corner, where they are stopped by a cop ]

Pee Wee Herman: F–K! [ slurred ] What seems to be the problem, Officer?

Officer: You boys been drinking tonight?

[ they laugh nervously ]

Officer: I’m afraid I’m going to have to give you a breathylyzer test. When I say “Blow” —

[ Andy blows flames out of his mouth ]

Andy Samberg: I had one drink.

Pee Wee Herman: Oh, Officer! Here’s a headline!

[ Pee Wee swings a chair at the officer’s head and drops him to the ground ] [ cut to Andy and Pee Wee entering Andy’s apartment ]

Pee Wee Herman: Ha ha ha, did you see the look on that PIG’s face?!

Andy Samberg: That pig got WRECKED!!

[ Andy looks across the room to see Fred Armisen, Kristen Wiig, and Kenan Thompson seated on his couch ]

Andy Samberg: Hey, what are you guys doing here?

Fred Armisen: This is an intervention, Andy.

Pee Wee Herman: What’s the big problem?! He’s just trying to have some FUN!

Andy Samberg: Yeah!

Kristen Wiig: He’s not the only one with a problem, Pee Wee. Your friends are here, too.

[ Pee Wee looks over to see Chairy, Terry, and Conky standing by ]

Pee Wee Herman: Chairy?

Chairy: Hello, Pee Wee!

Pee Wee Herman: Terry?

Terry: I’m appalled!

Pee Wee Herman: Conky?

Conky: You’re a b-b-b-b-bad influence on each other!

Andy Samberg: We are not!

[ a bandaged Andersoon Cooper appears ]

Anderson Cooper: Oh, really?

Pee Wee Herman: [ stunned ] Hey, Anderson…

Anderson Cooper: You almost hit me in the eye! Do you know what would happen if I lost these eyes? They’re a national treasure!

Andy Samberg: They are!

Pee Wee Herman: You’d be blind… that’d be terrible…

Fred Armisen: You guys can’t hang out together any more. Why don’t you take a moment… to say goodbye?

Pee Wee Herman: Okay… [ he turns ] Goodbye, Andy. It was fun while it lasted. And even though you’re a bad influence… you’re a GREAT friend.

Andy Samberg: I know you are… but what am I?

Pee Wee Herman: [ faces the camera, shocked ] The sonofabitch stole my line!

Chairy: They’re cured!

Conky: Hooray!

[ everyone cheers ]

Terry: Let’s celebrate by doing some shots!

Everyone: SHOOOOOOOTTTTSSS!!!

Andy & Pee Wee: SHOOOTTTSSS!!

Chairy: Shots!

Anderson Cooper: Shots!

[ everyone chugs shots ] [ Anderson Cooper attempts to sit on Chairy ]

Chairy: GET THE F–K OFF OF ME!!

Andy & Pee Wee: SHOOOTTTSSS!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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