SNL Transcripts: Jesse Eisenberg: 01/29/11: Jesse Eisenberg’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 13

10m: Jesse Eisenberg / Nicki Minaj

Jesse Eisenberg’s Monologue

…..Jesse Eisenberg
Mark Zuckerberg…..Andy Samberg
…..Mark Zuckerberg
…..Lorne Michaels

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jesse Eisenberg!

Jesse Eisenberg: Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. Thank you very much. It’s so great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live.” It’s been a really exciting year for me, I was in “The Social Network.” Thank you very much. And I’m also glad to be here tonight because, you know, in a few movies I’ve played guys who are kind of shy and unassuming and that’s just not me at all, you know, and as you’ll see tonight, I’m… well I’m really cocky, you know. In life, I just, you know I, I own it, you know. When I walk into a room, people are just like “Wow wow watch out, who is that freight train of confidence?”, or not, I don’t know, I wouldn’t want to pretend to be an expert on what other people are thinking, that’s presumptuous of me, sorry, um, anyway although actually one, one thing I am an expert in is women, you know, I, no I do, I know, I know a lot about the ladies, you know, like for example, like I know that every 28 days females will shed their uterine lining, that is, no it’s true, that’s true, so so you know that would be a thing like if I were, if I were out on a date, you know, with a lady, she wouldn’t have to explain that to me, you know, ‘cause I already know it, you know, ‘cause I’m so cocky! Yes, and I can’t wait for the Oscars, you know, I am, I’m gonna, I’m gonna, oh okay, thank you, yes, yes, none of us can wait, and when I get there, I’m going to take Jack Nicholson’s seat in the front row and when he comes over to me I’m just gonna say: “Sorry Jack, you know, here’s Jesse!” No I’m not, I’m not gonna say that, no no, even thinking of saying something like that is kind of, was actually kind of giving me a panic attack right now, you know what, I feel like I’m misrepresenting myself.

Mark Zuckerberg: Yeah, well, misrepresenting people is something you have a lot of practice with.

Jesse Eisenberg: Wow, Mark… Mark Zuckerberg, hey, how are you?

Mark Zuckerberg: Oh, how am I? I’m bad, okay? You got nominated for an Academy Award for playing me, and what do I get, you know, what do I have to feel good about?

Jesse Eisenberg: Uh-ha, wasn’t Facebook just valued at like 50 billion dollars?

Mark Zuckerberg: Oh that’s right, yeah. Well, good luck at your dinky movie award thing. All hail the Zuck! Wooh hoo hoo!

[ cut to Lorne Michaels watching backstage with the real Mark Zuckerberg ]

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: Why can’t I go in there? I’m the real Mark Zuckerberg! Lorne Michaels: Yeah, and I’m pretty sure at least one of those guys is the real Mark Zuckerberg.

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: No, I am! That guy is like my evil twin and that’s just Andy Samberg. Those guys are such nerds, come on, I invented poking.

Lorne Michaels: Yeah, um… you’re better off backstage.

[ return to Home Base ]

Jesse Eisenberg: Okay, we’re gonna let you in on the joke, this isn’t Mark Zuckerberg, this is Andy Samberg.

Andy Samberg: Yes, and there you’ve made… and may I say, Jesse, that I loved your Zuckerberg. How’d you do yours?

Jesse Eisenberg: Oh thank you, I just speak in short glib sentences and I keep, you know, my head very still like this, but I love yours actually, so wh-wha-what is your technique?

Andy Samberg: Oh, well, I wear this sweatshirt and I say “I’m Mark Zuckerberg!”

Jesse Eisenberg: Straightforward. And of course, you know, I wasn’t really doing Mark Zuckerberg, you know, I was, I was interpreting a fictional character in a movie script.

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: You know Jessee, I don’t know if it came out very well.

Jesse Eisenberg: Hi, thank you for coming here.

Andy Samberg: Wait, have you two not met?

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: No.

Jesse Eisenberg: No.

Andy Samberg: Awkberg… Well I’ll be going… Samberg out…

Jesse Eisenberg: Okay, uh, so…

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: So…

Jesse Eisenberg: Yeah, yeah, it’s good, I… really, really liked you on “60 Minutes.”

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: Thanks man, thanks.

Jesse Eisenberg: Yeah, d’you ever end up seeing, seeing the film, “The Social Network?”

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: Yeah I did, yeah.

Jesse Eisenberg: Cool, thanks, and uh, and what did you think?

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: It was interesting.

Jesse Eisenberg: Interesting, I, you know, I’ll take it, thank you, great. Hey, you know, why don’t we do this together? You go first.

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: Alright, awesome, cool, we’ve got a great show for you tonight, Nicki Minaj is here.

Jesse Eisenberg: Right, so stick around, we’ll be right back.

Submitted by: Jacques

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