Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 13
10m: Jesse Eisenberg / Nicki Minaj
El Shrinko
Arthur Perkins…..Andy Samberg
Girl #1…..Kristen Wiig
Girl #2…..Nasim Pedrad
Girl #3…..Vanessa Bayer
Randy…..Jesse Eisenberg
Derek…..Bill Hader
[ open on disclaimer ]
Announcer: The following is a paid advertisement.
[ dissolve to Arthur Perkins seated on couch ]
Arthur Perkins: Oh, hello! [ he stands ] I’m Arthur Perkins. Does this always happen to you?
[ cut to individual fake testimonials ]
Girl #1: [ reading cue card ] “We CAN’T have sex! It’s too BIG!”
Girl #2: [ reading cue card ] “Arthur, your panis is HUGE! I HATE that!”
Girl #3: [ reading cue card ] “Arthur Perkins… your penis is just too BIG!”
[ return to Arthur ]
Arthur Perkins: I used to deal with that ALL the time. Girls were constantly telling me it was TOO big!
Randy: [ jumping in ] Yeah! And I’m his friend, Randy, and I have the same problem, too, all the time.
Together: Our penises were TOO BIG!!
Randy: And that’s why we take…
Together: EL SHRINKO!!
Arthur Perkins: El Shrinko is the first scientific pill that can shrink your weiner… because it’s TOO BIG!
Randy: It’s too big!
Arthur Perkins: If you saw our penises right now, you would think they were really small!
[ Randy scoffs ]
Arthur Perkins: Like, tiny! That’s because El Shrinko works FAST! —
Randy: But how does it work?
Arthur Perkins: Not yet!
Randy: Sorry.
Arthur Perkins: REALLY fast!
Randy: But — but how does it work?
Arthur Perkins: You just take the pill like we do, and you’ll go from TOO BIG… [ they measure out with their hands ] to JUST RIGHT! [ they bring their hands closer together ]
Randy: Yeah. Yeah, and that’s what girls prefer. So just ASK them!
[ cut to individual fake testimonials ]
Girl #1: “I heard Arthur’s penis used to be really big. But then I saw it, and it was really small. It must have shrunk, and I like that!”
Girl #2: [ squinting to read cue card ] “Arthur’s friend Randy shrunk his thingie –” [ laughing ] Wait, what is this for?!
Girl #3: [ eating potato chips ] What’s that? Say it now? [ reading cue card ] “El Shrinkoooo!”
[ return to Arthur ]
Arthur Perkins: Pretty convincing! Plus, it comes in a discreet bottle that says… [ he picks up large bottle ] El Shrinko! That way, if a girl’s over and accidentally sees the bottle on your coffee table, she’ll know that your weiner used to be WAY bigger — until you took El Shrinko!
Randy: Yeah! Big weiners are for the birds!
Derek: [ easing in ] Are you guys talking about El Shrinko?
Arthur Perkins: GET OUT OF HERE, DEREK!! GET OUT!!
[ they push Derek off camera ]
Arthur Perkins: El Shrinko!
Randy: El Shrinko!
[ cut to the girls, looking bored ]
Girls: El Shrinkooooo!
Girl #3: [ looking up from her potato chips ] El Shrinko.
[ cut to product slide ]
Announcer: El Shrinko. It’s why Arthur’s and Randy’s penises are so small.
[ fade ]
