SNL Transcripts: Jesse Eisenberg: 01/29/11: El Shrinko


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 13

10m: Jesse Eisenberg / Nicki Minaj

El Shrinko

Arthur Perkins…..Andy Samberg
Girl #1…..Kristen Wiig
Girl #2…..Nasim Pedrad
Girl #3…..Vanessa Bayer
Randy…..Jesse Eisenberg
Derek…..Bill Hader

[ open on disclaimer ]

Announcer: The following is a paid advertisement.

[ dissolve to Arthur Perkins seated on couch ]

Arthur Perkins: Oh, hello! [ he stands ] I’m Arthur Perkins. Does this always happen to you?

[ cut to individual fake testimonials ]

Girl #1: [ reading cue card ] “We CAN’T have sex! It’s too BIG!”

Girl #2: [ reading cue card ] “Arthur, your panis is HUGE! I HATE that!”

Girl #3: [ reading cue card ] “Arthur Perkins… your penis is just too BIG!”

[ return to Arthur ]

Arthur Perkins: I used to deal with that ALL the time. Girls were constantly telling me it was TOO big!

Randy: [ jumping in ] Yeah! And I’m his friend, Randy, and I have the same problem, too, all the time.

Together: Our penises were TOO BIG!!

Randy: And that’s why we take…

Together: EL SHRINKO!!

Arthur Perkins: El Shrinko is the first scientific pill that can shrink your weiner… because it’s TOO BIG!

Randy: It’s too big!

Arthur Perkins: If you saw our penises right now, you would think they were really small!

[ Randy scoffs ]

Arthur Perkins: Like, tiny! That’s because El Shrinko works FAST! —

Randy: But how does it work?

Arthur Perkins: Not yet!

Randy: Sorry.

Arthur Perkins: REALLY fast!

Randy: But — but how does it work?

Arthur Perkins: You just take the pill like we do, and you’ll go from TOO BIG… [ they measure out with their hands ] to JUST RIGHT! [ they bring their hands closer together ]

Randy: Yeah. Yeah, and that’s what girls prefer. So just ASK them!

[ cut to individual fake testimonials ]

Girl #1: “I heard Arthur’s penis used to be really big. But then I saw it, and it was really small. It must have shrunk, and I like that!”

Girl #2: [ squinting to read cue card ] “Arthur’s friend Randy shrunk his thingie –” [ laughing ] Wait, what is this for?!

Girl #3: [ eating potato chips ] What’s that? Say it now? [ reading cue card ] “El Shrinkoooo!”

[ return to Arthur ]

Arthur Perkins: Pretty convincing! Plus, it comes in a discreet bottle that says… [ he picks up large bottle ] El Shrinko! That way, if a girl’s over and accidentally sees the bottle on your coffee table, she’ll know that your weiner used to be WAY bigger — until you took El Shrinko!

Randy: Yeah! Big weiners are for the birds!

Derek: [ easing in ] Are you guys talking about El Shrinko?

Arthur Perkins: GET OUT OF HERE, DEREK!! GET OUT!!

[ they push Derek off camera ]

Arthur Perkins: El Shrinko!

Randy: El Shrinko!

[ cut to the girls, looking bored ]

Girls: El Shrinkooooo!

Girl #3: [ looking up from her potato chips ] El Shrinko.

[ cut to product slide ]

Announcer: El Shrinko. It’s why Arthur’s and Randy’s penises are so small.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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