SNL Transcripts: Jesse Eisenberg: 01/29/11: El Shrinko

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 13

10m: Jesse Eisenberg / Nicki Minaj

El Shrinko

Arthur Perkins…..Andy Samberg
Girl #1…..Kristen Wiig
Girl #2…..Nasim Pedrad
Girl #3…..Vanessa Bayer
Randy…..Jesse Eisenberg
Derek…..Bill Hader

[ open on disclaimer ]

Announcer: The following is a paid advertisement.

[ dissolve to Arthur Perkins seated on couch ]

Arthur Perkins: Oh, hello! [ he stands ] I’m Arthur Perkins. Does this always happen to you?

[ cut to individual fake testimonials ]

Girl #1: [ reading cue card ] “We CAN’T have sex! It’s too BIG!”

Girl #2: [ reading cue card ] “Arthur, your panis is HUGE! I HATE that!”

Girl #3: [ reading cue card ] “Arthur Perkins… your penis is just too BIG!”

[ return to Arthur ]

Arthur Perkins: I used to deal with that ALL the time. Girls were constantly telling me it was TOO big!

Randy: [ jumping in ] Yeah! And I’m his friend, Randy, and I have the same problem, too, all the time.

Together: Our penises were TOO BIG!!

Randy: And that’s why we take…

Together: EL SHRINKO!!

Arthur Perkins: El Shrinko is the first scientific pill that can shrink your weiner… because it’s TOO BIG!

Randy: It’s too big!

Arthur Perkins: If you saw our penises right now, you would think they were really small!

[ Randy scoffs ]

Arthur Perkins: Like, tiny! That’s because El Shrinko works FAST! —

Randy: But how does it work?

Arthur Perkins: Not yet!

Randy: Sorry.

Arthur Perkins: REALLY fast!

Randy: But — but how does it work?

Arthur Perkins: You just take the pill like we do, and you’ll go from TOO BIG… [ they measure out with their hands ] to JUST RIGHT! [ they bring their hands closer together ]

Randy: Yeah. Yeah, and that’s what girls prefer. So just ASK them!

[ cut to individual fake testimonials ]

Girl #1: “I heard Arthur’s penis used to be really big. But then I saw it, and it was really small. It must have shrunk, and I like that!”

Girl #2: [ squinting to read cue card ] “Arthur’s friend Randy shrunk his thingie –” [ laughing ] Wait, what is this for?!

Girl #3: [ eating potato chips ] What’s that? Say it now? [ reading cue card ] “El Shrinkoooo!”

[ return to Arthur ]

Arthur Perkins: Pretty convincing! Plus, it comes in a discreet bottle that says… [ he picks up large bottle ] El Shrinko! That way, if a girl’s over and accidentally sees the bottle on your coffee table, she’ll know that your weiner used to be WAY bigger — until you took El Shrinko!

Randy: Yeah! Big weiners are for the birds!

Derek: [ easing in ] Are you guys talking about El Shrinko?

Arthur Perkins: GET OUT OF HERE, DEREK!! GET OUT!!

[ they push Derek off camera ]

Arthur Perkins: El Shrinko!

Randy: El Shrinko!

[ cut to the girls, looking bored ]

Girls: El Shrinkooooo!

Girl #3: [ looking up from her potato chips ] El Shrinko.

[ cut to product slide ]

Announcer: El Shrinko. It’s why Arthur’s and Randy’s penises are so small.

[ fade ]

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