SNL Transcripts: Jesse Eisenberg: 01/29/11: Skins



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 13












10m: Jesse Eisenberg / Nicki Minaj

Skins

MTV Guy…..Andy Samberg
Cassie…..Abby Elliott
Trent…..Jesse Eisenberg
Boy…..Paul Brittain
Girl…..Nasim Pedrad

Announcer: You’re watching MTV. Shut up!

MTV Guy: What’s up, I’m the head of programming at MTV, impressed much? (chuckle) Well, you should be because I’m the genius behind the new sexy teen show, Skins. Now, some people are upset or whatever because we show like a bunch of fourth graders having sex or doing heroin or something. I don’t know I haven’t seen it because I’m bad at my job. Anyway, because of the (finger quotes) controversy and (finger quotes) child porn laws we broke, we lost a lot of sponsors. We lost Foot Locker. We lost Subway Sandwiches; so good. We lost Wrigley, like the field I guess. And we lost L’oreal… You know, French Oreos. Guess what though (he accidentally knocks down his MTV statue and tries not to laugh). So guess what though, we had to get some way worse sponsors (he knocks the statue down again, but this time on purpose.). They couldn’t afford commercials but what they could afford was some sweet product placement, so check it out on Skins.

[Intro to Skins]

Cassie: Cool party. Sexy.

Trent: Yeah. We should probably take our shirts off.

Cassie: Yeah, but first, let’s enjoy this Kennedy Fried Chicken. (she lifts a box of fried chicken).

Trent: Kennedy Fried Chicken? That looks sexy. What’s a bucket like 50 bucks?

Cassie: Try 9 bucks, and that includes 12 hot pieces of chicken, a steamy biscuit, and some slutty mashed potatoes.

Trent: Woah! All for 9 bucks. That leaves plenty of extra money to buy cocaine.

Cassie: Speaking of which, cool cocaine.

Trent: (he picks up a bag of a powdery substance). Oh, you mean this awesome stuff. This is Jenkins Stank Ass Foot Powder. Got stank ass feet? Reach for Stank Ass Foot Powder. So sexy!

[Another boy enters]

Boy: Hey Cassie! Hey Trent! Should we do a three-way?

Trent: Yeah, but first, where’d you get that cool new car we saw you pull up in?

Boy: Oh, you mean my 2003 Corolla? It’s not new, but it’s as good as new thanks to Waltzer Toyota. (a Waltzer Toyota picture shows up on the screen). Waltzer Toyota. Since 1991. Waltz in with a little money. Waltz out with a fabulous, gently used car.

Trent: Man! Just hearing about used cars makes me hella horny.

[another girl walks down the stairs and enters]

Girl: Hey you underaged hotties! Make that a four-way.

Trent: Woah! You’re hot!

Cassie: Yeah, where’d you get that hot sweater?

Girl: Where else? The Sweater Dump. Near Route 25. It’s where people go to dump their sweaters. So what are we drinking.

Trent: Only the best. Jose Cortez Scented Rubbing Alcohol. Look for the bottle with the cartoon duck on the front. It goes perfect with Clamoto brand clam juice and a lime from the new fruit section at C.P. WANG Bodega. Conveniently located under the on ramp to the Queens-borough Bridge. (a C.P. WANG picture shows up on the screen). C.P. WANG. We sell fruit now.

Cassie: Sexy! We should all have sex.

Girl: Do you have condoms?

Trent: Only the best! Squirrel Maggie’s Squirrel Skin Condoms. (he lifts a box of the condoms). It’s like having sex with a squirrel skin.

Cassie: That sounds great for young vaginas.

Boy: Speaking of young vaginas, have you heard all this stuff about Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlisconi?

Cassie: Yeah! It sounds totally bogus.

Boy: It IS bogus, and you can find out the truth at www.berlusconiisinnocente.net.

Trent: Cool.

Girl: This is a cool party.

Cassie: Let’s take our clothes off.

Boy: I’m 12.

[Cut to head of programming at MTV]

MTV Guy: So there it is. Great branding through a transatlantic sewer pipe direct to your children. MTV: the “M” stands for Mehhhhhh!!!!!

[Cut the MTV Sign]

Submitted by: Adam Rapfogel

SNL Transcripts

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