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Season 36: Episode 13
10m: Jesse Eisenberg / Nicki Minaj
TCM: The Essentials
Robert Osborne…..Jason Sudekis
Doctor Blackenstein…..Jay Pharoah
Blackenstein’s Monster…..Kenan Thompson
Igor…..Jessie Eisenberg
The Bride…..Nicki Minaj
Mob Leader…..Bill Hader
Mob Leader’s Wife…..Kristen Wiig
Announcer: You’re watching Turner Classic Movies.
[Title Card….. The Essentials with: Robert Osborne]Robert Osborne: Welcome to The Essentials. I’m Robert Osborne. Tonight we take a journey through one of my favorite genres: the 1970’s Blaxsploitation horror films. There are so many classics from the era: “Blacula”, “The Black Creature from the Black Lagoon”, and of course “The Phantom of the Apollo”. But perhaps one of the most memorable was the 1972 classic “The Bride of Blackenstein”. Let’s take a look.
[Title Card….. Bride of Blackenstein]Cut To: [An old castle laboratory, with Dr. Blackenstein and his monster]
Dr. Blackenstein: (laughs maniacally) Blackenstein, your my greatest creation! The coolest, baddest, blackest monster on the face of the Earth!
Blackenstein: (raises a fist) Aaaaaargh….
Dr. Blackenstein: And tonight, as I promised, I will give you a bride!
Blackenstein: (happily) Aaaaaaargh…..
Dr. Blackenstein: Igor!
Igor: (limps in) Yes master?
Dr. Blackenstein: It’s tiiiiime to pull the switch for the Bride of Blackenstein, baby!
(Igor flips the switch and Dr Blackenstein pulls off the blanket on the operating table to reveal the beautiful Bride of Blackenstein with the traditional white striped beehive hair. She awakens and gets off the table)
Dr. Blackenstein: It’s alive, it’s aliiive, it’s…. DAAAYUMMM!!!
(Camera zooms on her butt, which is large and shapely. She pops it to the side as thunder claps)
Igor: Ah yes, she is beautiful master. And I’m sure the swelling in her backside will go down soon.
Dr. Blackenstein: Oh-hoooo, it better not! That booty is a masterpiece of modern science!
Igor: So that’s why you had me fill those two basketballs with Jell-O?
Dr. Blackenstein: Double Dribble baby!
(Camera zooms to her butt again and she pops it)
Igor: Yes, so you think people will like that?
Dr. Blackenstein: Like it? They’ll love it. Look at Blackenstein.
Blackenstein: (ogles at the Bride’s rear) Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about! Man, this monster’s ’bout to get his groove on! (laughs)
The Bride: (full of sass and attitude) Oh no he iiiis not!
Igor: Oh! She-she speaks! She speaks!
Dr. Blackenstein: Uh-oh, that’s not good.
The Bride: You think you can just walk up on me and get some of this- I mean all of this?
Blackenstein: No no, I-I mean, uh- Aaaargh…..
The Bride: Aaaargh? Don’t you say “aaaargh” to me, I know you can talk! And the first words out you mouth better be “I’m getting a job.”
Dr. Blackenstein: Igor man! Where’d you get that brain?
Igor: From a woman who had just died.
Dr. Blackenstein: What kind of woman?
Igor: She worked at the DMV.
Dr. Blackenstein: (Sighs in exasperation and rolls his eyes) And what about the fingernails?
Igor: From a cashier at Walgreens.
Dr. Blackenstein: And where did you get the mouth?
Igor: From a ho who didn’t know her place.
Dr. Blackenstein: (offended) Igor!
Igor: Well that’s how she described herself, master!
Dr. Blackenstein: And where did you get the hair?
The Bride: Excuu-uuuse me? This hair is real!
(The three man back away with their hands up in a placating manner)
Dr. Blackenstein: Okay alright!
Igor: It looks very nice
Blackenstein: Come on, baby. I just need some lovin’ from my bride. (laughs)
The Bride: Bride? Bride? Did you get me an invisible ring? ‘Cuz I don’t see nothin’ on my finger. You don’t know me! I ain’t ever met you! You takin’ me to dinner first or somethin’! Come on now!
Blackenstein: But I had plaaans tonight! I’m goin’ out with Wolfman and the Mummy.
The Bride: That- whoa-that smelly-ass dog person? And old Mr. Bandage. Uh-uh, no way. No way!
Blackenstein: But they my friends, baby!
The Bride: Not no mo’. From now on I’m your friends, and I barely even like you!
Igor: Oh master, I don’t understand! Why doesn’t he just tell her that he is the man and that she should do as he says?
Dr. Blackenstein: You ever been with a sista?
Igor: No.
Dr. Blackenstein: Then you wouldn’t understand.
Igor: I’ve just been with Jewish girls.
Dr. Blackenstein: (amused) Oh, then you kinda understand!
Igor: Yes. (angry sounds come from outside) Oh, master look! Look, there’s an angry mob!
Dr. Blackenstein: Uh-oh!
Cut To: ( stock footage of a mob entering the castle, then back to the lab)
Igor: We need to hide! Yes, we need to hide the Bride!
The Bride: I’m not hidin’! I’m goin’ out! It’s check day, I got an outfit on, I’m wanna dance baby! Let’s get it!
(the mob enters the lab)
Mob Leader: We know what you’ve been doing in this castle, Blackenstein! And it ends….. DAAAYUMMM!!!
(Camera zooms on her butt again)
Mob Leader: (now speaking in a pimp voice) I think we gonna see some werewolves tonight, cuz that’s a full moon. (laughs lustfully)
Mob Leader’s Wife: What?! What are you looking at?
Mob Leader: Aw, nothin’ baby! (laughs again)
Mob Leader’s Wife: Are you checking out the Bride of Blackenstein’s rear end?!
Mob Leader: Aw, no way baby. You know I like my booty like yours: Flat and shapeless. (laughs)
Mob Leader’s Wife: (happily) Good!
(Camera zooms to the wife’s flat butt, while a sad *Whaaa whaaaaaaa* plays)
The Bride: Excuse, are ya’ll the police, cuz if ya’ll ain’t got a warrant, I need you to get up out of my castle baby, now! Let’s go!
Igor: Her castle?!
Dr. Blackenstein: See what I mean?
(the mob leaves)
The Bride: That’s right. It’s my castle now. And next week, my auntie comin’ to stay with us, and she has a bad foot so she’s gonna need a room by the toilet, okay?
Igor: Master, is an ass like that really worth all this trouble?
Dr. Blackenstein: Oh, it’s worth it. Just look at it!
(Camera zooms on her butt again)
(Funky music starts playing. Dr Blackenstein, The Bride, and Blackenstein get together and sing while Igor claps along to the beat)
Three:
“Bride of Blackenstein
You know that baby got back-enstein
Fall in love with The Briiiide… of Blackenstein!”
Cut To: (The Essentials, Robert Osborne looking thoroughly amused by what he just saw)
Robert Osborne: Yeah…. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the whole movie! Tune in next week for the 1964 Blaxploitation anti-war satire “Dr. Strangefunk or: How I Learned To Stop Being a Jive-Ass Turkey And Love That Juicy Booty”. For The Essentials, I’m Robert Osborne, ya dig?
The End
Submitted by: Jenna Smith
