SNL Transcripts: Jesse Eisenberg: 01/29/11: Mr. Wizard’s World


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 13

10m: Jesse Eisenberg / Nicki Minaj

Mr. Wizard’s World

Mr. Wizard…..Bill Hader
Chris…..Jesse Esienberg
Claudette…..Nasim Pedrad
Lauren…..Abby Elliott
Kenan…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on Nickelodeon logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching Nickelodeon After Dark! Coming up: A classic episode of “Mr. Wizard”!

[ dissolve to “Mr. Wizard’s World” opening montage ] [ dissolve to Mr. Wizard’s science lab set ]

Mr. Wizard: Hey, kids!

Kids: Hey, Mr. Wizard!!

Mr. Wizard: Today, we’re gonna learn about something called “static electricity” — and you’re the conductor! Now, everything is made up of atoms, but what floats around those atoms? Does anyone know? Chris?

Chris: [ shyly ] I don’t know…

Mr. Wizard: Claudette?

Claudette: Um… I don’t really know.

Mr. Wizard: Lauren?

Lauren: Electrons!

Mr. Wizard: Good! And when we rub up agaisnt something, sometimes those tiny electrons move. Now, everyone, take a balloon. Take a balloon! [ everyone grabs a balloon ] Now, what I want you to do is rub that balloon on yourself. [ they each rub the balloon across their arms ] There you go! You can rub your sweater, your arm — you can even rub your partner! There you go! Very good! Go ahead! Good. Very good. Get worked up in science!

[ Claudette and Chris begin to rub their balloons over her breasts and his genitals ]

Mr. Wizard: Okay, Chris? Chris? Claudette? Guys? Guys, that’s fine! Enough with the balloons, okay? Enough!

[ Claudette and Chris stop rubbing their balloons ]

Mr. Wizard: Now, what do we experience with the balloons? Chris?

Chris: Something… new?

Mr. Wizard: Yes. Yes, but what?

Chris: I don’t know…

Claudette: It — it felt like a good headache!

Mr. Wizard: Well, actually — we created an electronic field. And if you get a strong enough field, your balloons can stick to anything — even a wall! Let’s go ahead and rub our balloons again, but this time just on the sleeve. Just on the sleeve, everyone.

[ Claudette and Chris begin rubbing their balloons on her breasts and his genitals again ]

Mr. Wizard: Now, in order for this to stick, you really need to rub a lot. The more you rub, the more those electrons will transfer over, giving you a really powerful static charge. Alright, you guys feeling that charge?

Chris: YES!!

Claudette: Yeah, I feel it!!

Mr. Wizard: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay, that’s enough! That’s enough, you guys! That’s enough, please!

[ Claudette turns around so Chris can rub the balloon on her butt ]

Mr. Wizard: Hey, hey, hey, hey!! That’s enough!! Enough with the balloons! Enough with the balloons! DRop ’em, drop ’em — we’re all done! [ he grabs the balloons from them ]

Chris: Science is fun!

Mr. Wizard: Not — not that fun! Now, uh — let’s put our balloons on the board, shall we? Let’s see what happens. [ Mr. Wizard, Lauren and Kenan stick their balloons onto the wall board ] See how it sticks? How about that, huh? Now, what have we learned from the experiment?

Claudette: Um — I like rubbing?

Mr. Wizard: Not really — no, no, no, no, no! Now, think about the experiment — did you learn anything?

Chris: Balloond make things grow!

Mr. Wizard: No. No, no, no, no! Uh — let’s move on. Now, people aren’t the only conductors. Have you ever heard of a Van De Graaff Generator?

[ he reaches for the machine at the far side of the lab ]

Kenan: Oh, wow — that’s BIG!!

Mr. Wizard: Yeah, yeah! It sure is! [ he and Kenan move it forward ] Now, an electrostatic generator can reach up to 5 megabolts just from all the vibrating. Want to see what it can do to you?

Claudette: Yeah! Hurry up!

Mr. Wizard: Okay! Here we go!

[ Mr. Wizard flips the switch as the machine hums ]

Mr. Wizard: Now, go ahead and touch it and see what happens.

[ the kids touch the tip, as music begins to play ]

Mr. Wizard: Good, good. Now, what’s happening here is we’re accelerating electrons to create an electromagnetic field. If you stay in the field long enough, you’ll be fully charged with negative electrons. Now, are you fully charged yet?

[ reveal Claudette and Chris humped over the machine with their hair standing on end ]

Claudette: Yeah!

Chris: Getting there!

Claudette: I’m feeling it!

Mr. Wizard: Oh, sweet Maria… Get off! Get off of there, guys!

Claudette: No, b-but it’s good for me!

Chris: Yes, I want to do science in the shower!

Mr. Wizard: No, you don’t! No, you don’t! Uh — uhhh — when we come back, you’ll learn another great conductor — body heat! Oh, boy… uh…

[ Mr. Wizard pulls out a fire extinguisher and blasts Claudette and Chris with it ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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