SNL Transcripts: Dana Carvey: 02/05/11: Dana Carvey’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 14
















10n: Dana Carvey / Linkin Park

Dana Carvey’s Monologue

…..Dana Carvey
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Bill Hader
…..Andy Samberg
…..Jon Lovitz

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Dana Carvey!

Dana Carvey: Thank you! Thank you! Of all the live comedy shows going on in New York right now, THIS is the best freakin’ audience right now! [ the audience cheers wildly ] It’s great to be “home” at “Saturday Night Live”. It’s kind of emotional, I’ve got my two teenaged sons here tonight in the audience, and, uh — [ the audience applauds ] I know where they are, because it’s the first time they’ve seen me on “Saturday Night Live”, and I’m sure, after the show, I’m gonna be a normal comedian and all needy, like, “Hey! What did you guys think?” And my son will be all, like, [ angsty teen voice ] “Uhhh — it was fine, Dad. Okay? Just fine. Can we go now?” And I’ll be, like, “Thank you!”

My first episode of this show was October 11th, 1986, with host Sigourney Weaver. I think we have a photo?

[ promotional photo of Sigourney Weaver a gorilla from “Gorillas in the Mist” appears ]

Yeah, look at that! There’s me with Sigourney! I know, I’ve changed. But, man, I looked young, didn’t I? Wow!

You know, uh — after I left “SNL” in 1993, people would come up to me and say, “Dana, the show’s not as good without you!” Or, “Dana, I liked it better when you were there!” You know? And, honestly, people always pick one cast in “SNL” history, and then they’ll say THAT was the best cast. But that’s just not true. The show has always had great people, and no cast is better than any other cast — except for MY cast. Um — It’s just undeniable! ’86 to ’93 was the best! I mean, let me put it to you this way:

[ singing ]
“I have often stood
on this stage before.
But the air is not
as joyful as before.
It’s no won-der I sim-ply can’t de-ny!
’86 to ’93… was the be-e-e-e-est!”

[ Kristen Wiig enters ]

Kristen Wiig: Hi, Dana!

Dana Carvey: Heeeeyyyy!! [ the audience cheers wildly ] Karen Wong, everybody! Terrific! Hi, Karen.

Kristen Wiig: [ miffed ] Hi. You know, Dana, you’re so right — your cast was awesome.

Dana Carvey: Well… I didn’t say “awesome”. I just said “BEST EVER!” I mean, we had Phil Hartman, we had Mike Myers, Jan Hooks — it was incredible, you gotta admit!

[ singing ] “I mean, ’86 to ’93… was the be-e-e-e-est!”

[ Bill Hader enters ]

Bill Hader: Hey, Dana! Hey, Karen.

[ the audience cheers ]

Dana Carvey: Oh, hey! Hey!

Bill Hader: You’re right — that group was an AMAZING emsemble!

Dana Carvey: Oh, thank you, Rainn Wilson! And, if I may be so bold, out of that cast I was probably the best cast member. [ he snickers ] Maybe I shouldn’t say it.

Kristen Wiig: Wow, okay… So that means you’re the best person to ever be on the show?

Dana Carvey: [ thinking ] Does it? I-I don’t know. I’ve never been good at Math!

[ Bill and Kristen exit ]

Dana Carvey: [ singing ]
“I did Ross Perot!
(“Can I finish one time?! Can I finish one time?!”)
I chopped brocco-locco-liiii!
I did Ching Change
but that’s racist now.
Prob-ab-lyyyyy!
I did Garth and Hans
It was a renaissance
’86 to ’93… was the be-e-e-e-e-est!”

You know how many times I said “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night”? No exaggeration — 700,000 times! We didn’t even have “Applause” lights back then — we had “Calm Down!” lights. And they flashed throughout the show, because we were going crazy, you know what I mean?

[ Andy Samberg enters ]

Andy Samberg: Wait a second, Dana! [ the audience cheers ] Hey, how do we know you’re telling the truth about your cast being the BEST ever? Maybe you’re just making it up!

[ Jon Lovitz saunters in ]

Jon Lovitz: Step aside, dear boy!

[ Andy runs off stage, as the audience goes nuts ]

[ Lovitz enjoys his recognitions, as Carvey playfully wraps his arms around him and fondles his man-breasts ]

Dana Carvey: I know! I didn’t know why I just did that, but anyway! [ in Regis Philbin voice ] We’re outta CONTROL!! Jon Lovitz! From Los Angeles, California! What are YOU doing here!

Jon Lovitz: I won’t sit back idly and watch our cast be SLANDERED by that RUFFIAN! We were the greatest players to ever grace this stage! You know why?

Dana Carvey: Why?

Jon Lovitz: [ he raises his arm triumphantly ] ACTING!! Thank you!

Dana Carvey: Thank you!

Jon Lovitz: And now, Dana, let us sing our praises!

Dana Carvey: Yes, dear Jon, yes!

Jon Lovitz: [ snapping his fingers ] 1… SING!

Together: [ singing ]
“We watched them all
try to prove us wrong.
Every sketch is great
plus it would take too looooong!
Take our word for it
that every mo-ment hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittt!”

[ Carvey blows a raspberry ]

“’86 to ’93… wa-a-a-a-a-sss… the… be-e-e-e-e-e-est!!”

Jon Lovitz: Thank you!

Dana Carvey: Thank you! Now that I think about it… I may have had one or two things that didn’t play.

Jon Lovitz: [ he scoffs ] Speak for yourself, my little pixie! [ he mimes smoking ] Goodbye, everybody! Goodbye!

Dana Carvey: Wow! That could be a new catchphrase!

Jon Lovitz: Yes!

Dana Carvey: We’ve got a great show! Linkin Park is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

[ Lovitz holds up rabbit ears behind Carvey’s head ]

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