SNL Transcripts: Dana Carvey: 02/05/11: Live with Regis and Kelly


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 14

10n: Dana Carvey / Linkin Park

Live with Regis and Kelly

Regis Philbin…..Dana Carvey
Kelly Ripa…..Nasim Pedrad
Gelman…..Taran Killam
Kathie Lee Gifford…..Kristen Wiig

[ opening montage ]

Announcer: It’s “Live! With Regis and Kelly!” Please welcome your hosts — Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa!

[ dissolve to set as Regis and Kelly step forward ]

Regis Philbin: Hi, everybody! How are you? It’s February 4th, welcome to the show. How are you doing?

Kelly Ripa: Are you excited for the Super Bowl?

Regis Philbin: Oh, I — [ the audience cheers ] Yeah! We’re all very excited. I’m excited for the game! But who is this halftime band? You know, the Black Eyed Peas? That’s not entertainment, that’s a SIDE DISH!!

Kelly Ripa: Reese, I’m gonna miss you when you leave.

Regis Philbin: I’m not gone yet, Pipa, I got a newsflash for ya’, okay?

Kelly Ripa: Yeah, I know. But have you been reading the newspapers? Everyone is wondering who’s gonna replace you!

Regis Philbin: I know, I know… And it’s not just ME leaving, Pipa. Understand? Our producer, Gelman, is over there and he’s retiring!

Gelman: I’m not leaving, Regis.

Regis Philbin: Yes, you ARE!! Wherever I go, YOU go — so I can keep you within SWATTING distance!

Gelman: [ whining ] I like it here!

Regis Philbin: Gelman, you don’t have a choice. You know, the pharaohs used to be buried with their SLAVES! You understand?

Gelman: [ miffed ] I’m not your slave, Regis.

Regis Philbin: That’s what they ALL say!!

Kelly Ripa: Well — I thought it would be fun to go through some of the people they’re talking about to fill your shoes.

Regis Philbin: Okay, here we go…

Kelly Ripa: One of the names being kicked around is… [ holds up photo ] Anderson Cooper!

Regis Philbin: Anderson Cooper? Didn’t he just get socked in the kisser by some crazy Egyptian? He’s not TOUGH enough! Forget it! Get that picture out of my sight!

Kelly Ripa: If he can handle Egypt, Reege, he can handle this show!

Regis Philbin: Those Egyptians have nothing on the women who wait outside the studio — at least the Egyptians want DEMOCRACY!! These women want to get in my TROUSERS!! I’m telling you, it’s crazy!

Kelly Ripa: Next up: Some people are saying Howie Mandel might be a good co-host!

Regis Philbin: Good luck with that — he’s a SEAL with a SOUL PATCH! Look at that! That’s not gonna work at 9 a.m. And the GERM thing! The man doesn’t SHAKE HANDS!! What’s he gonna do when he meets Carol Channing? Give her a FIST BUMP?! It’s not gonna work, I’ll tell you that…

Kelly Ripa: Well, you know, maybe it’s about chemistry, Reege. HEY! [ she holds up photo ] Maybe my hubbie Mark will do it!

Regis Philbin: Mark Consuelo? Mark Consuelo, are you serious? If he takes this job, you know what I’m gonna get him as a welcome gift? DIVORCE papers! Because you two are not gonna last a WEEK! I love you, Pipa, but the only reason I don’t wring your neck is because, we part ways, the show is OVER!!

Kelly Ripa: Stop it, Reege! You know, I don’t think you want to retire!

Regis Philbin: Of course I want to retire! I’ve got big plans! Once I leave this show, it’s gonna be HUGE! I’m starting my own network — OPRAH style!

Kelly Ripa: Oh yeah, what are you gonna call it?

Regis Philbin: What am I — she says what am I gonna call it? You hear that, Gelman? What am I gonna call it? I’m calling it REGIS! This channel’s gonna have everything! TD Bank commercials, Joey Bishop reruns, and a reality show called “So You Think You Can Shout!!” It’s gonna be TERRIFIC!!

[ Kathie Lee Gifford quietly appears in the background and begins to swivel her hips unnoticed by Regis and Kelly ]

Kelly Ripa: Regis, I want you to know I am going to treasure… every day I have left with you — [ she turns around ] Oh, no. Kathie Lee is here.

[ Kathie Lee steps around with her microphone ]

Regis Philbin: What? Kathie Lee, what are you DOING here?!

Kathie Lee Gifford: Oh, Regis… When I heard today was your last show, I had to come on and say Goodbye.

Kelly Ripa: Today is NOT his last show!

Regis Philbin: It’s not my last show…

Kathie Lee Gifford: What is that? Is that a bird chirping? Chirp, chirp. chirp. chirp! [ she laughs, then sings: ] “Someone call a hunter and shoot that irritating bird!”

Regis Philbin: No. What are you doing?

Kathie Lee Gifford: You know, I’m going to sing to you, Regis.

Regis Philbin: You’re gonna sing?

Kathie Lee Gifford: I’m just going to wet my pipes.

Regis Philbin: Kathie, we’re trying to do the show…

Kathie Lee Gifford: I know.

Regis Philbin: Good.

[ Kathie Lee sips from a show mug, then frowns ]

Kathie Lee Gifford: Eww! Gelman, what IS that?!

Regis Philbin: Water.

Kathie Lee Gifford: Oh. Then, what’s the point of mugs? [ she unscrews her microphone and pours spirits out as she sings: ] “Char-don-nayyyyyy! White wine in the morning time!” [ she drinks ]

Regis Philbin: She’s out of control — just REALLY out of control!

Kathie Lee Gifford: There! There! Maestro!

Regis Philbin: Here we are…

[ Kathie Lee begins to sing for herself ]

Gelman: [ holding our a cell phone ] Kathie Lee… Hoda’s looking for you.

Kathie Lee Gifford: [ waving him off ] Tell her I was in a car accident.

Regis Philbin: Gelman, let’s get out of here — let’s go! I can’t take this any more.

Gelman: I want to STAY!

Regis Philbin: Gelman, I will beat you within an INCH of your life! Let’s go! [ he grabs Gelman’s shoulder ]


Regis Philbin: I’m TELLING you, I’ll put you away!

[ Regis drags Gelman off stage ]

Kelly Ripa: I’ll miss you, Reege!

Kathie Lee Gifford: No one knows who you are!

[ Kathie Lee makes a point of inching closer to the camera and standing in front of Ripa as she sings and makes facial gestures at the camera ]

[ cut to show graphics ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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