Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 14
Live with Regis and Kelly
Regis Philbin…..Dana Carvey
Kelly Ripa…..Nasim Pedrad
Kathie Lee Gifford…..Kristen Wiig
[ opening montage ]
Announcer: It’s “Live! With Regis and Kelly!” Please welcome your hosts — Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa!
[ dissolve to set as Regis and Kelly step forward ]
Regis Philbin: Hi, everybody! How are you? It’s February 4th, welcome to the show. How are you doing?
Kelly Ripa: Are you excited for the Super Bowl?
Regis Philbin: Oh, I — [ the audience cheers ] Yeah! We’re all very excited. I’m excited for the game! But who is this halftime band? You know, the Black Eyed Peas? That’s not entertainment, that’s a SIDE DISH!!
Kelly Ripa: Reese, I’m gonna miss you when you leave.
Regis Philbin: I’m not gone yet, Pipa, I got a newsflash for ya’, okay?
Kelly Ripa: Yeah, I know. But have you been reading the newspapers? Everyone is wondering who’s gonna replace you!
Regis Philbin: I know, I know… And it’s not just ME leaving, Pipa. Understand? Our producer, Gelman, is over there and he’s retiring!
Gelman: I’m not leaving, Regis.
Regis Philbin: Yes, you ARE!! Wherever I go, YOU go — so I can keep you within SWATTING distance!
Gelman: [ whining ] I like it here!
Regis Philbin: Gelman, you don’t have a choice. You know, the pharaohs used to be buried with their SLAVES! You understand?
Gelman: [ miffed ] I’m not your slave, Regis.
Regis Philbin: That’s what they ALL say!!
Kelly Ripa: Well — I thought it would be fun to go through some of the people they’re talking about to fill your shoes.
Regis Philbin: Okay, here we go…
Kelly Ripa: One of the names being kicked around is… [ holds up photo ] Anderson Cooper!
Regis Philbin: Anderson Cooper? Didn’t he just get socked in the kisser by some crazy Egyptian? He’s not TOUGH enough! Forget it! Get that picture out of my sight!
Kelly Ripa: If he can handle Egypt, Reege, he can handle this show!
Regis Philbin: Those Egyptians have nothing on the women who wait outside the studio — at least the Egyptians want DEMOCRACY!! These women want to get in my TROUSERS!! I’m telling you, it’s crazy!
Kelly Ripa: Next up: Some people are saying Howie Mandel might be a good co-host!
Regis Philbin: Good luck with that — he’s a SEAL with a SOUL PATCH! Look at that! That’s not gonna work at 9 a.m. And the GERM thing! The man doesn’t SHAKE HANDS!! What’s he gonna do when he meets Carol Channing? Give her a FIST BUMP?! It’s not gonna work, I’ll tell you that…
Kelly Ripa: Well, you know, maybe it’s about chemistry, Reege. HEY! [ she holds up photo ] Maybe my hubbie Mark will do it!
Regis Philbin: Mark Consuelo? Mark Consuelo, are you serious? If he takes this job, you know what I’m gonna get him as a welcome gift? DIVORCE papers! Because you two are not gonna last a WEEK! I love you, Pipa, but the only reason I don’t wring your neck is because, we part ways, the show is OVER!!
Kelly Ripa: Stop it, Reege! You know, I don’t think you want to retire!
Regis Philbin: Of course I want to retire! I’ve got big plans! Once I leave this show, it’s gonna be HUGE! I’m starting my own network — OPRAH style!
Kelly Ripa: Oh yeah, what are you gonna call it?
Regis Philbin: What am I — she says what am I gonna call it? You hear that, Gelman? What am I gonna call it? I’m calling it REGIS! This channel’s gonna have everything! TD Bank commercials, Joey Bishop reruns, and a reality show called “So You Think You Can Shout!!” It’s gonna be TERRIFIC!!
[ Kathie Lee Gifford quietly appears in the background and begins to swivel her hips unnoticed by Regis and Kelly ]
Kelly Ripa: Regis, I want you to know I am going to treasure… every day I have left with you — [ she turns around ] Oh, no. Kathie Lee is here.
[ Kathie Lee steps around with her microphone ]
Regis Philbin: What? Kathie Lee, what are you DOING here?!
Kathie Lee Gifford: Oh, Regis… When I heard today was your last show, I had to come on and say Goodbye.
Kelly Ripa: Today is NOT his last show!
Regis Philbin: It’s not my last show…
Kathie Lee Gifford: What is that? Is that a bird chirping? Chirp, chirp. chirp. chirp! [ she laughs, then sings: ] “Someone call a hunter and shoot that irritating bird!”
Regis Philbin: No. What are you doing?
Kathie Lee Gifford: You know, I’m going to sing to you, Regis.
Regis Philbin: You’re gonna sing?
Kathie Lee Gifford: I’m just going to wet my pipes.
Regis Philbin: Kathie, we’re trying to do the show…
Kathie Lee Gifford: I know.
Regis Philbin: Good.
[ Kathie Lee sips from a show mug, then frowns ]
Kathie Lee Gifford: Eww! Gelman, what IS that?!
Regis Philbin: Water.
Kathie Lee Gifford: Oh. Then, what’s the point of mugs? [ she unscrews her microphone and pours spirits out as she sings: ] “Char-don-nayyyyyy! White wine in the morning time!” [ she drinks ]
Regis Philbin: She’s out of control — just REALLY out of control!
Kathie Lee Gifford: There! There! Maestro!
Regis Philbin: Here we are…
[ Kathie Lee begins to sing for herself ]
Gelman: [ holding our a cell phone ] Kathie Lee… Hoda’s looking for you.
Kathie Lee Gifford: [ waving him off ] Tell her I was in a car accident.
Regis Philbin: Gelman, let’s get out of here — let’s go! I can’t take this any more.
Gelman: I want to STAY!
Regis Philbin: Gelman, I will beat you within an INCH of your life! Let’s go! [ he grabs Gelman’s shoulder ]
Gelman: YOU’RE HURTING ME!!
Regis Philbin: I’m TELLING you, I’ll put you away!
[ Regis drags Gelman off stage ]
Kelly Ripa: I’ll miss you, Reege!
Kathie Lee Gifford: No one knows who you are!
[ Kathie Lee makes a point of inching closer to the camera and standing in front of Ripa as she sings and makes facial gestures at the camera ]
[ cut to show graphics ]
[ fade ]