SNL Transcripts: Dana Carvey: 02/05/11: Celebrity Teen Crisis Center

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 14

10n: Dana Carvey / Linkin Park

Celebrity Teen Crisis Center

Alan Alda…..Bill Hader
Teen #1…..Kenan Thompson
Mickey Rooney…..Dana Carvey
Teen #2…..Paul Brittain
Ice-T…..Fred Armisen
Teen #3…..Nasim Pedrad.
Anna Faris…..Abby Elliott
Teen #4…..Taran Killam
Eddie Murphy…..Jay Pharaoh
Teen #5…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: This Spring: When teens are in trouble, celebs come in to rescue. VH-1’s “Celebrity Teen Crisis Center”. Real celebrities answering real teen calls.

[ dissolve to teen call center phone manned by Alan Alda ]

Alan Alda: Hey there, you’re on with Alan Alda! What’s your — what’s your problem, kid?

Teen #1: Yeah. Some dudes in my school want me to join a gang. I don’t know what to do!

Alan Alda: Gosh, you know — that — that — that is a pickle, you know? when they asked me join the casr of “M*A*S*H”, I didn’t know what to do. But I joined, and life’s been cream cheese since then, yeah!

Teen #1: [ absorbing this advice ] Okay. Well, I’ll join that gang, then! Hey, thanks for the advice, Alan Alda!

[ Alan Alda cocks his fingers happily ]

[ cut to Mickey Rooney manning another phone ]

Mickey Rooney: Uh? [ he reaches down to lift his leg, then notices the phone and picks up ] This is Mickey Rooney!

Teen #2: Who?

Mickey Rooney: I was the Number One star in the world! You hear me? BANG! [ he puffs slowly ] The world!

Teen #2: How does that help me get through high school?

Mickey Rooney: Ask me what Ava Gardner was like!

Teen #2: What — What was Ava Gardner like?

Mickey Rooney: You’ll never know! [ he drops the phone ]

[ cut to Ice T sitting coolly by a phone as it rings ]

Ice T: Looks like you on da phone with Ice T!

Teen #3: Hi. I’ve never done this before…

Ice T: You’ve never made a telephone call before?

Teen #3: No, I’ve never called one of these numbers. But, I went to a party last night, and I think someone put something in my drink.

Ice T: Like an OLIVE, or sumthing?

Teen #3: No! I think some guy had a roofie and dropped it in my cup.

Ice T: And now you want to RETURN it to him?

Teen #3: Come on! Didn’t you do an episode about roofies on “SVU”?

Ice T: Yeah! And Ice T was confused then, too. [ he turns to Anna Faris in the next chair ] Looks like I’m not gettin’ through to her, Anna Faris!

[ Anna Faris giggles as she answers a separate phone ]

Anna Faris: Hellooooooo!!

Teen #4: Hi. I — I just wish my dad wouldn’t drink so much?

Anna Faris: Wowwww! Drunk Dad! Euggghhhh!! Bum-merrrr!

Teen #4: Yeah.

Anna Faris: YEAH!!

Teen #4: ..Yeah. So, what’s your advice?

Anna Faris: I KNOW, right! Oooohhhhh!! [ she hangs up ]

[ cut to Eddie Murphy manning another phone ]

Eddie Murphy: Yeah, come on, now — tell Eddie Murphy your problem!

Teen #5: Um — I just found out I’m pregnant!

Eddie Murphy: [ stunned ] How old are you?!

Teen #5: Fifteen.

Eddie Murphy: You fifteen? More like you about to be a SIZE FIFTEEN!! [ he yuks it up ] That is HILARIOUS! So funny!

Teen #5: Please! This is serious!

Eddie Murphy: That’s crazy, man! Your ass is gonna be the ONLY girl at spring Break with STRETCH MARKS!! [ he laughs loudly ]

Teen #5: Come on, Eddie Murphy!

Eddie Murphy: Hey, look, I was just kidding! Hey, look, you not even gonna get to GO to Spring Break! Your ass is gonna be HOME with your baby watching “Yo Gabba BABA!” [ squinting ] Or “Yo Gabba… Yo Gabba Gabba”. WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS!! [ he yuks it up ] That is so CRAZY!!

[ cut to promo slide ]

Announcer: “Celebrity Teen Crisis Center”. It may be horrible advice, but it’s free.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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