SNL Transcripts: Dana Carvey: 02/05/11: Celebrity Teen Crisis Center

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 14

10n: Dana Carvey / Linkin Park

Celebrity Teen Crisis Center

Alan Alda…..Bill Hader
Teen #1…..Kenan Thompson
Mickey Rooney…..Dana Carvey
Teen #2…..Paul Brittain
Ice-T…..Fred Armisen
Teen #3…..Nasim Pedrad.
Anna Faris…..Abby Elliott
Teen #4…..Taran Killam
Eddie Murphy…..Jay Pharaoh
Teen #5…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: This Spring: When teens are in trouble, celebs come in to rescue. VH-1’s “Celebrity Teen Crisis Center”. Real celebrities answering real teen calls.

[ dissolve to teen call center phone manned by Alan Alda ]

Alan Alda: Hey there, you’re on with Alan Alda! What’s your — what’s your problem, kid?

Teen #1: Yeah. Some dudes in my school want me to join a gang. I don’t know what to do!

Alan Alda: Gosh, you know — that — that — that is a pickle, you know? when they asked me join the casr of “M*A*S*H”, I didn’t know what to do. But I joined, and life’s been cream cheese since then, yeah!

Teen #1: [ absorbing this advice ] Okay. Well, I’ll join that gang, then! Hey, thanks for the advice, Alan Alda!

[ Alan Alda cocks his fingers happily ]

[ cut to Mickey Rooney manning another phone ]

Mickey Rooney: Uh? [ he reaches down to lift his leg, then notices the phone and picks up ] This is Mickey Rooney!

Teen #2: Who?

Mickey Rooney: I was the Number One star in the world! You hear me? BANG! [ he puffs slowly ] The world!

Teen #2: How does that help me get through high school?

Mickey Rooney: Ask me what Ava Gardner was like!

Teen #2: What — What was Ava Gardner like?

Mickey Rooney: You’ll never know! [ he drops the phone ]

[ cut to Ice T sitting coolly by a phone as it rings ]

Ice T: Looks like you on da phone with Ice T!

Teen #3: Hi. I’ve never done this before…

Ice T: You’ve never made a telephone call before?

Teen #3: No, I’ve never called one of these numbers. But, I went to a party last night, and I think someone put something in my drink.

Ice T: Like an OLIVE, or sumthing?

Teen #3: No! I think some guy had a roofie and dropped it in my cup.

Ice T: And now you want to RETURN it to him?

Teen #3: Come on! Didn’t you do an episode about roofies on “SVU”?

Ice T: Yeah! And Ice T was confused then, too. [ he turns to Anna Faris in the next chair ] Looks like I’m not gettin’ through to her, Anna Faris!

[ Anna Faris giggles as she answers a separate phone ]

Anna Faris: Hellooooooo!!

Teen #4: Hi. I — I just wish my dad wouldn’t drink so much?

Anna Faris: Wowwww! Drunk Dad! Euggghhhh!! Bum-merrrr!

Teen #4: Yeah.

Anna Faris: YEAH!!

Teen #4: ..Yeah. So, what’s your advice?

Anna Faris: I KNOW, right! Oooohhhhh!! [ she hangs up ]

[ cut to Eddie Murphy manning another phone ]

Eddie Murphy: Yeah, come on, now — tell Eddie Murphy your problem!

Teen #5: Um — I just found out I’m pregnant!

Eddie Murphy: [ stunned ] How old are you?!

Teen #5: Fifteen.

Eddie Murphy: You fifteen? More like you about to be a SIZE FIFTEEN!! [ he yuks it up ] That is HILARIOUS! So funny!

Teen #5: Please! This is serious!

Eddie Murphy: That’s crazy, man! Your ass is gonna be the ONLY girl at spring Break with STRETCH MARKS!! [ he laughs loudly ]

Teen #5: Come on, Eddie Murphy!

Eddie Murphy: Hey, look, I was just kidding! Hey, look, you not even gonna get to GO to Spring Break! Your ass is gonna be HOME with your baby watching “Yo Gabba BABA!” [ squinting ] Or “Yo Gabba… Yo Gabba Gabba”. WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS!! [ he yuks it up ] That is so CRAZY!!

[ cut to promo slide ]

Announcer: “Celebrity Teen Crisis Center”. It may be horrible advice, but it’s free.

[ fade ]

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