Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 14
Celebrity Teen Crisis Center
Alan Alda…..Bill Hader
Teen #1…..Kenan Thompson
Mickey Rooney…..Dana Carvey
Teen #2…..Paul Brittain
Teen #3…..Nasim Pedrad.
Anna Faris…..Abby Elliott
Teen #4…..Taran Killam
Eddie Murphy…..Jay Pharaoh
Teen #5…..Kristen Wiig
Announcer: This Spring: When teens are in trouble, celebs come in to rescue. VH-1’s “Celebrity Teen Crisis Center”. Real celebrities answering real teen calls.
[ dissolve to teen call center phone manned by Alan Alda ]
Alan Alda: Hey there, you’re on with Alan Alda! What’s your — what’s your problem, kid?
Teen #1: Yeah. Some dudes in my school want me to join a gang. I don’t know what to do!
Alan Alda: Gosh, you know — that — that — that is a pickle, you know? when they asked me join the casr of “M*A*S*H”, I didn’t know what to do. But I joined, and life’s been cream cheese since then, yeah!
Teen #1: [ absorbing this advice ] Okay. Well, I’ll join that gang, then! Hey, thanks for the advice, Alan Alda!
[ Alan Alda cocks his fingers happily ]
[ cut to Mickey Rooney manning another phone ]
Mickey Rooney: Uh? [ he reaches down to lift his leg, then notices the phone and picks up ] This is Mickey Rooney!
Teen #2: Who?
Mickey Rooney: I was the Number One star in the world! You hear me? BANG! [ he puffs slowly ] The world!
Teen #2: How does that help me get through high school?
Mickey Rooney: Ask me what Ava Gardner was like!
Teen #2: What — What was Ava Gardner like?
Mickey Rooney: You’ll never know! [ he drops the phone ]
[ cut to Ice T sitting coolly by a phone as it rings ]
Ice T: Looks like you on da phone with Ice T!
Teen #3: Hi. I’ve never done this before…
Ice T: You’ve never made a telephone call before?
Teen #3: No, I’ve never called one of these numbers. But, I went to a party last night, and I think someone put something in my drink.
Ice T: Like an OLIVE, or sumthing?
Teen #3: No! I think some guy had a roofie and dropped it in my cup.
Ice T: And now you want to RETURN it to him?
Teen #3: Come on! Didn’t you do an episode about roofies on “SVU”?
Ice T: Yeah! And Ice T was confused then, too. [ he turns to Anna Faris in the next chair ] Looks like I’m not gettin’ through to her, Anna Faris!
[ Anna Faris giggles as she answers a separate phone ]
Anna Faris: Hellooooooo!!
Teen #4: Hi. I — I just wish my dad wouldn’t drink so much?
Anna Faris: Wowwww! Drunk Dad! Euggghhhh!! Bum-merrrr!
Teen #4: Yeah.
Anna Faris: YEAH!!
Teen #4: ..Yeah. So, what’s your advice?
Anna Faris: I KNOW, right! Oooohhhhh!! [ she hangs up ]
[ cut to Eddie Murphy manning another phone ]
Eddie Murphy: Yeah, come on, now — tell Eddie Murphy your problem!
Teen #5: Um — I just found out I’m pregnant!
Eddie Murphy: [ stunned ] How old are you?!
Teen #5: Fifteen.
Eddie Murphy: You fifteen? More like you about to be a SIZE FIFTEEN!! [ he yuks it up ] That is HILARIOUS! So funny!
Teen #5: Please! This is serious!
Eddie Murphy: That’s crazy, man! Your ass is gonna be the ONLY girl at spring Break with STRETCH MARKS!! [ he laughs loudly ]
Teen #5: Come on, Eddie Murphy!
Eddie Murphy: Hey, look, I was just kidding! Hey, look, you not even gonna get to GO to Spring Break! Your ass is gonna be HOME with your baby watching “Yo Gabba BABA!” [ squinting ] Or “Yo Gabba… Yo Gabba Gabba”. WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS!! [ he yuks it up ] That is so CRAZY!!
[ cut to promo slide ]
Announcer: “Celebrity Teen Crisis Center”. It may be horrible advice, but it’s free.
[ fade ]