Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 15
DJ Terry…..Taran Killam
Dina D’Angelo…..Vanessa Bayer
Woman #1…..Abby Elliott
Woman #2…..Kristen Wiig
Damian Cryer…..Russell Brand
Announcer: Welcome to “Livin’ Single”![ dissolve to bouncy opening montage ]
Announcer: She’s a best-selling author, and she did it all WITHOUT a man![ dissolve to DJ Terry ]
DJ Terry: Ladies and gentlemen — Dina D’Angelo is “Livin’ Single”!!
Dina D’Angelo: Welcome to “Livin’ Single”!! If you’re single and loving it, say “HEYYYY!!”
Dina D’Angelo: Guys! Whether you’re a widow, a divorcee, or a solo girl who just don’t give a ZANG — this show is for YOU! Right, guys! [ the audience cheers, as she dances toward two women in the audience ] It’s for YOU! How are you two doing?
Woman #1: I’m single and loving it, thanks to you!
Woman #2: I left my husband, and now I’m single and stronger!
Dina D’Angelo: Are you SO happy!
Woman #2: Almost.
Dina D’Angelo: DJ Terry — I see you!
DJ Terry: You’re changing lives, Dina!
Dina D’Angelo: Oh, you’re SUCH a good friend! [ to the audience ] You know — DJ Terry has asked me out ELEVEN times! And each time I’ve said “No.” Not because I don’t think he’s a super cool dude, but because I know that he and I are BETTER OFF… SINGLE!!!
DJ Terry: It really IS better! [ he lowers his pitch and frowns ] You’re amazing.
Dina D’Angelo: Okay! So who hates Valentine’s Day? BOOOOOO!!! Right? Well, you don’t have to hate it… any MO’! Just do what I do ladies: Get yo’ white wine, draw yo’ bubble bath, and spoil… yo’self!
DJ Terry: Or… you could go on a date with your DJ!
Dina D’Angelo: [ laughing ] Very funny, dude!
DJ Terry: [ chuckling with embarrassment ] Right?
Dina D’Angelo: Now — even if your single, Valentine’s Day is ALL about the sweets! So we have a renowned pastry chef here today. This guy is COOL, you guys! Please welcome… Damian Cryer!![ Damian Cryer appears onstage and begind to gyrate with Dina ]
Dina D’Angelo: Thank you for coming, Damien!!
Damian Cryer: It’s an absolute eternal pleg!
Dina D’Angelo: [ swooning ] Oh! You’re British — and much taller than I expected.
Damian Cryer: And you’re American, and you’re much lovelier than I expected. Oh — there’s something here on your face. What is it? [ he rubs around her face ] Oh, it’s my hand!
Dina D’Angelo: Oh! Okay! Uh — that just happened! Damian — let’s talk VJ desserts for one.
Damian Cryer: Certainly. Dina — what is THE most decadent, luxurious, and arousing food?
Dina D’Angelo: Oh! I don’t know!
Damian Cryer: Well, it’s, uh — it’s chocolate. Isn’t it? Could you taste, please?[ he places a chocolate in her mouth, then lets her suck his finger back and forth ]
Dina D’Angelo: Mmm! Oh!
Damian Cryer: Good girl.
Dina D’Angelo: You just do whatever you want, don’t you?
Damian Cryer: Or whomever I want!
Dina D’Angelo: Oh! You’re funny! Terry, are you loving this guy![ DJ Terry stares angrily ]
DJ Terry: He’s great.
Damian Cryer: Okay! Now we’re going to make a mini chocolate love cake that’s positively sinful. Do you like sinful things, Dina?
Dina D’Angelo: Ah! [ she giggles ]
Damian Cryer: Is is sinful if I put your hand on my pectoral? [ he places he hand under his shirt ]
Dina D’Angelo: Oh!
Damian Cryer: Hmm? Is that a sin?
Dina D’Angelo: Oh! We’re having a BLAST on “Livin’ Single”! Huh? Give us a BEAT, Terry!
DJ Terry: [ fuming ] NO! I don’t want to give him the beat!
Dina D’Angelo: Terry — it’s your job![ DJ Terry relunctantly pushes a button, as Dina and Damian gyrate to the beat ]
Dina D’Angelo: This is our best episode YET!
Damian Cryer: Okay. Now, Dina — cripes, that was good! Now, cooking is all about chemistry.
Dina D’Angelo: Okay.[ they stir the pot together ]
Damian Cryer: Now stir the cocoa like a good girl.
Dina D’Angelo: Okay…
Damian Cryer: Don’t be scared.[ Damian begins to lick behind her ear as she pants breathlessly ]
Dina D’Angelo: Okay… Why are my hands shaking?
Damian Cryer: Because we’re making something, aren’t we?
DJ Terry: JUST SHOW US THE CAKE!!!
Damian Cryer: Right! Well, uh — we skipped a few steps, but here’s what the finished product will look like.[ Damian reaches down and lifts a plate with a chocolate cake heart on it ]
Dina D’Angelo: Oh! You’re amazing!
Damian Cryer: Terry! I want that CD — will you play that CD that I gave you?
DJ Terry: You’re not my boss!!
Dina D’Angelo: Okay. Terry? It’s your job.[ DJ Terry relunctantly pushes a button, as sexy saxophone music plays and Dina and Damian drop to the floor with a stick of butter ]
Dina D’Angelo: Oh! See you next time on “Livin’ Single”! And, remember — Just because you’re flying solo doesn’t mean you can’t — [ Damian pulls her under ] Okay, bye![ fade ]