SNL Transcripts: Russell Brand: 02/12/11: The King’s Taster

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 15

10o: Russell Brand / Chris Brown

The King’s Taster

King Reginald…..Russell Brand
Taster…..Taran Killam
Chef…..Bill Hader

[ open on scroll over painted castle backdrop ]

Announcer: “In medieval England, it was customary for kings to employ a royal taster. These brave souls would try all of the monarch’s food — to ensure it contained no poison. Our story takes palce in the court of King Reginald.”

[ dissolve to King Reginald’s dining table, as his new taster sits ]

Royal Taster: King Reginald — thank you so much for choosing ME to be your royal taster!

King Reginald: What can I say — I am a man of gr-r-r-r-reat taste!

[ King Reginald laughs heartily ]

Royal Taster: Very funny!

King Reginald: Thank you! It’s nice to hear a kind word after a day of receiving death threats.

Royal Taster: Death threats?

King Reginald: Yes! I’m a very unpopular king! But — fear not! We’re quite safe here.

Royal Taster: Oh. That’s good.

King Reginald: Yes! I have NO enemies within these walls! [ he glances offscreen and yells ] CHE-E-E-E-E-E-FFFFF!! GET YOUR FAT. ANGULAR ASS IN HERE!!!

[ the Chef dredges into the room with a harried look upon his face ]

Chef: What do you want NOW, you monster?!!

Royal Taster: Why is your chef so angry with you?

King Reginald: Oh — last night’s beef was a little tough, so I had his family killed! [ he laughs ]

[ the Chef develops a lasting scowl upon his face ]

Royal Taster: [ worried ] And this gentleman prepares all of your food?

King Reginald: Yes! The ones you’ll be tasting! [ to Chef ] CHEFFF!! PRETEND YOU HAVE A BRAIN, AND BRING ME SOME PEA SOUP!!! BECAUSE THAT’S ALL YOU’RE GOOD FOR!!!

Chef: You’re driving me crazy! One day you’ll push me to the edge! Ooh, I’ll get you your pea soup!! It’s going to be a meal — TO DIE FOR!!!

[ the Chef retreats to the kitchen ]

King Reginald: Ah! Sounds tasty!

Royal Taster: Uh, King? I think the chef means to poison you.

King Reginald: No, no, don’t worry about that, Taster — he’s all blaster! [ yelling toward the kitchen ] ISN’T THAT RIGHT, YOU ASS-MOUTHED CHEF?!!

[ the Chef tumbles out of the kitchen and stands menacingly over King Reginald ]

King Reginald: [ standing ] YOU DON’T HAVE THE STONES TO CHALLENGE ME!! Oh, sure — you may be my COUSIN, who’s next in line to be KING!! Meaning, if I die, YOU INSTANTLY BECOME KING!! But, rrrrright now, you’re NOTHING but a COWARDLY CHEF!!! [ he rubs food over the Chef’s face ] See how I HUMILIATE you, and MOCK you with the bread you baked!!!

Chef: OHHHHH!! I’M GOING TO POISON YOU!!! I’m going to put POISON in your food!! And you’re going to DIE!!!

[ the Chef retreats to the kitchen ]

Royal Taster: Wow! He — he just came out and SAID it!

King Reginald: What? Oh, come on! Blast! What’s the worst he could do?

Royal Taster: FEED US POISON!!

King Reginald: Ahhh! I think you’re being a bit paranoid!

[ the Chef returns with a bowl of soup ]

King Reginald: Oh, goodie! Soup! [ to his Taster ] Be a lamb and taste it, will you?

[ the Taster nervously raises the spoon to his mouth ]

King Reginald: WAIT!!! You can’t eat this.

Royal Taster: Oh. thank God!

King Reginald: No — it still needs salt. [ to the Chef ] SALT IT, YOU MORON!!!

[ the King and Chef exchange dirty looks, then the Chef pours from a chalise marked “POISON” ]

Royal Taster: That is — that’s very obviously POISON!!

King Reginald: Oh, calm down, will you, Taster? I think you’re being rather cynical!

Chef: [ he puts the bowl before King Reginald ] I hope you choke it down! Choke it down and EAT IT!! [ he moves the bowl to the Taster ] Oh, I’m sorry — you first.

[ the Taster weeps as he lifts the spoon to his mouth ]

Royal Taster: Hey, you know what? That’s actually very good! There’s a subtle hint of —

[ too late — the Taster falls dead to the floor ]

King Reginald: [ playfully ] Che-e-ef? Did you just try to poison me?

Chef: [ slyly ] I’ll never tell!

King Reginald: Go! You cheeky chef! You’re the BEST in the business! [ calling out ] Bring me another t-t-t-t-taster!

[ freeze-frame, with SCROLL ]

Announcer: “This has been “The King’s Speech”. Now you can say you saw it!”

[ fade ]

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