Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 15
The King’s Taster
King Reginald…..Russell Brand
[ open on scroll over painted castle backdrop ]
Announcer: “In medieval England, it was customary for kings to employ a royal taster. These brave souls would try all of the monarch’s food — to ensure it contained no poison. Our story takes palce in the court of King Reginald.”
[ dissolve to King Reginald’s dining table, as his new taster sits ]
Royal Taster: King Reginald — thank you so much for choosing ME to be your royal taster!
King Reginald: What can I say — I am a man of gr-r-r-r-reat taste!
[ King Reginald laughs heartily ]
Royal Taster: Very funny!
King Reginald: Thank you! It’s nice to hear a kind word after a day of receiving death threats.
Royal Taster: Death threats?
King Reginald: Yes! I’m a very unpopular king! But — fear not! We’re quite safe here.
Royal Taster: Oh. That’s good.
King Reginald: Yes! I have NO enemies within these walls! [ he glances offscreen and yells ] CHE-E-E-E-E-E-FFFFF!! GET YOUR FAT. ANGULAR ASS IN HERE!!!
[ the Chef dredges into the room with a harried look upon his face ]
Chef: What do you want NOW, you monster?!!
Royal Taster: Why is your chef so angry with you?
King Reginald: Oh — last night’s beef was a little tough, so I had his family killed! [ he laughs ]
[ the Chef develops a lasting scowl upon his face ]
Royal Taster: [ worried ] And this gentleman prepares all of your food?
King Reginald: Yes! The ones you’ll be tasting! [ to Chef ] CHEFFF!! PRETEND YOU HAVE A BRAIN, AND BRING ME SOME PEA SOUP!!! BECAUSE THAT’S ALL YOU’RE GOOD FOR!!!
Chef: You’re driving me crazy! One day you’ll push me to the edge! Ooh, I’ll get you your pea soup!! It’s going to be a meal — TO DIE FOR!!!
[ the Chef retreats to the kitchen ]
King Reginald: Ah! Sounds tasty!
Royal Taster: Uh, King? I think the chef means to poison you.
King Reginald: No, no, don’t worry about that, Taster — he’s all blaster! [ yelling toward the kitchen ] ISN’T THAT RIGHT, YOU ASS-MOUTHED CHEF?!!
[ the Chef tumbles out of the kitchen and stands menacingly over King Reginald ]
King Reginald: [ standing ] YOU DON’T HAVE THE STONES TO CHALLENGE ME!! Oh, sure — you may be my COUSIN, who’s next in line to be KING!! Meaning, if I die, YOU INSTANTLY BECOME KING!! But, rrrrright now, you’re NOTHING but a COWARDLY CHEF!!! [ he rubs food over the Chef’s face ] See how I HUMILIATE you, and MOCK you with the bread you baked!!!
Chef: OHHHHH!! I’M GOING TO POISON YOU!!! I’m going to put POISON in your food!! And you’re going to DIE!!!
[ the Chef retreats to the kitchen ]
Royal Taster: Wow! He — he just came out and SAID it!
King Reginald: What? Oh, come on! Blast! What’s the worst he could do?
Royal Taster: FEED US POISON!!
King Reginald: Ahhh! I think you’re being a bit paranoid!
[ the Chef returns with a bowl of soup ]
King Reginald: Oh, goodie! Soup! [ to his Taster ] Be a lamb and taste it, will you?
[ the Taster nervously raises the spoon to his mouth ]
King Reginald: WAIT!!! You can’t eat this.
Royal Taster: Oh. thank God!
King Reginald: No — it still needs salt. [ to the Chef ] SALT IT, YOU MORON!!!
[ the King and Chef exchange dirty looks, then the Chef pours from a chalise marked “POISON” ]
Royal Taster: That is — that’s very obviously POISON!!
King Reginald: Oh, calm down, will you, Taster? I think you’re being rather cynical!
Chef: [ he puts the bowl before King Reginald ] I hope you choke it down! Choke it down and EAT IT!! [ he moves the bowl to the Taster ] Oh, I’m sorry — you first.
[ the Taster weeps as he lifts the spoon to his mouth ]
Royal Taster: Hey, you know what? That’s actually very good! There’s a subtle hint of —
[ too late — the Taster falls dead to the floor ]
King Reginald: [ playfully ] Che-e-ef? Did you just try to poison me?
Chef: [ slyly ] I’ll never tell!
King Reginald: Go! You cheeky chef! You’re the BEST in the business! [ calling out ] Bring me another t-t-t-t-taster!
[ freeze-frame, with SCROLL ]
Announcer: “This has been “The King’s Speech”. Now you can say you saw it!”
[ fade ]