SNL Transcripts: Russell Brand: 02/12/11: The King’s Taster


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 15

10o: Russell Brand / Chris Brown

The King’s Taster

King Reginald…..Russell Brand
Taster…..Taran Killam
Chef…..Bill Hader

[ open on scroll over painted castle backdrop ]

Announcer: “In medieval England, it was customary for kings to employ a royal taster. These brave souls would try all of the monarch’s food — to ensure it contained no poison. Our story takes palce in the court of King Reginald.”

[ dissolve to King Reginald’s dining table, as his new taster sits ]

Royal Taster: King Reginald — thank you so much for choosing ME to be your royal taster!

King Reginald: What can I say — I am a man of gr-r-r-r-reat taste!

[ King Reginald laughs heartily ]

Royal Taster: Very funny!

King Reginald: Thank you! It’s nice to hear a kind word after a day of receiving death threats.

Royal Taster: Death threats?

King Reginald: Yes! I’m a very unpopular king! But — fear not! We’re quite safe here.

Royal Taster: Oh. That’s good.

King Reginald: Yes! I have NO enemies within these walls! [ he glances offscreen and yells ] CHE-E-E-E-E-E-FFFFF!! GET YOUR FAT. ANGULAR ASS IN HERE!!!

[ the Chef dredges into the room with a harried look upon his face ]

Chef: What do you want NOW, you monster?!!

Royal Taster: Why is your chef so angry with you?

King Reginald: Oh — last night’s beef was a little tough, so I had his family killed! [ he laughs ]

[ the Chef develops a lasting scowl upon his face ]

Royal Taster: [ worried ] And this gentleman prepares all of your food?

King Reginald: Yes! The ones you’ll be tasting! [ to Chef ] CHEFFF!! PRETEND YOU HAVE A BRAIN, AND BRING ME SOME PEA SOUP!!! BECAUSE THAT’S ALL YOU’RE GOOD FOR!!!

Chef: You’re driving me crazy! One day you’ll push me to the edge! Ooh, I’ll get you your pea soup!! It’s going to be a meal — TO DIE FOR!!!

[ the Chef retreats to the kitchen ]

King Reginald: Ah! Sounds tasty!

Royal Taster: Uh, King? I think the chef means to poison you.

King Reginald: No, no, don’t worry about that, Taster — he’s all blaster! [ yelling toward the kitchen ] ISN’T THAT RIGHT, YOU ASS-MOUTHED CHEF?!!

[ the Chef tumbles out of the kitchen and stands menacingly over King Reginald ]

King Reginald: [ standing ] YOU DON’T HAVE THE STONES TO CHALLENGE ME!! Oh, sure — you may be my COUSIN, who’s next in line to be KING!! Meaning, if I die, YOU INSTANTLY BECOME KING!! But, rrrrright now, you’re NOTHING but a COWARDLY CHEF!!! [ he rubs food over the Chef’s face ] See how I HUMILIATE you, and MOCK you with the bread you baked!!!

Chef: OHHHHH!! I’M GOING TO POISON YOU!!! I’m going to put POISON in your food!! And you’re going to DIE!!!

[ the Chef retreats to the kitchen ]

Royal Taster: Wow! He — he just came out and SAID it!

King Reginald: What? Oh, come on! Blast! What’s the worst he could do?

Royal Taster: FEED US POISON!!

King Reginald: Ahhh! I think you’re being a bit paranoid!

[ the Chef returns with a bowl of soup ]

King Reginald: Oh, goodie! Soup! [ to his Taster ] Be a lamb and taste it, will you?

[ the Taster nervously raises the spoon to his mouth ]

King Reginald: WAIT!!! You can’t eat this.

Royal Taster: Oh. thank God!

King Reginald: No — it still needs salt. [ to the Chef ] SALT IT, YOU MORON!!!

[ the King and Chef exchange dirty looks, then the Chef pours from a chalise marked “POISON” ]

Royal Taster: That is — that’s very obviously POISON!!

King Reginald: Oh, calm down, will you, Taster? I think you’re being rather cynical!

Chef: [ he puts the bowl before King Reginald ] I hope you choke it down! Choke it down and EAT IT!! [ he moves the bowl to the Taster ] Oh, I’m sorry — you first.

[ the Taster weeps as he lifts the spoon to his mouth ]

Royal Taster: Hey, you know what? That’s actually very good! There’s a subtle hint of —

[ too late — the Taster falls dead to the floor ]

King Reginald: [ playfully ] Che-e-ef? Did you just try to poison me?

Chef: [ slyly ] I’ll never tell!

King Reginald: Go! You cheeky chef! You’re the BEST in the business! [ calling out ] Bring me another t-t-t-t-taster!

[ freeze-frame, with SCROLL ]

Announcer: “This has been “The King’s Speech”. Now you can say you saw it!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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