Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 16
CBS Gurney Month
Announcer: TV’s top shows are on CBS! We’re on a roll — rolling away dead bodies, that is! Right, now, we’ve got MORE programs that begin with a body bag than ANY other network!
Shows like: “Criminal Minds” —
“The Medium” —
“Hawaii Five-O” —
TWO “NCIS” —
and THREE “CSI”s!
And we’re about to take it up a notch! All of March is Gurney Month on CBS! We’ve got gurneys 24/7!
We’ve got one show that WASN’T about gurneys. That’s gone! “Two and a Half Men”? More like “Two and a Half Dead Bodies”!
And we keep finding WEIRDER way to kill people! Self-asphyxiation! Rooftop impaling! That dude’s in a toilet!
[ show clip of Catherine Willows on “CSI: CRime Scene Investigation” ]
Catherine Willows: You take a car traveling highway speed and hit someone just right… she could fly the length of a football field.
[ show computer graphic ]
This month, there’s a party in the morgue! [ during an autopsy, matter is pulled from a woman’s brain ] Yikes! What’s that?! Ever have SO much fun, you feel SICK?
[ show clip of Lt. Horatio Caine on “CSI: Miami” ]
Lt. Horatio Caine: A dead body… can have that effect on you.
Announcer: We’ve got corpses! We’ve got bodies! We’ve got Meredith Baxter-Birney. Where? On a gurney!
So tag it, bag it, put it on wheels! March is Gurney Month on CBS!
[ fade ]