Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 16
Miley Cyrus’ Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gnetlemen — Miley Cyrus!
Miley Cyrus: Thank you! Thank you, guys! It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. The cast is amazing! Tonight, we have guests… and a show… and I’m ready to go. So… I guess that’s pretty cool!
You know, I did a show for a long time, called “Hannah Montana”. You know, it explored TWO sides of the same girl — normal by day, rock star by night. It’s like the Disney Channel’s version of “Black Swan”. I’ve been in the public eye for almost half my life, and I’m mostly a White Swan kind of girl, but… there have been a few Black Swan moments. You know, I’ve never been arrested or anything. My scandals are more like… Miley and some girl were chewing on the same Twizzler, someone took a photo, and now it’s all over the Internet. And, you know, that may upset some people, and… for that, I’m truly sorry. Let me put it this way:
[ singing ] “Theres a photo of me being kissed by a dude
And Annie Leibovitz tried to get me nude
For those of you who think that’s very crude
Im sorry that I’m not perfect!
I never stole a necklace or got a D.U.I.
Never cheated on my wife like that golfer guy
So what, you can see a little boob from the side?
I’m sorry that I’m not perfect!
And sure, I danced on a pole and people called it sinning
But at least I didn’t date a porn star and tell everyone Im winning.”
[ Bobby Moynihan and Kristen Wiig appear as back-up singers ]
Kristen Wiig: [ singing ] “Didnt make a dirty tape and pass it along.”
Bobby Moynihan: [ singing ] “Didnt text a photo of your dong.”
Miley Cyrus: [ singing ] “Dont both of these things seem worse than a bo-o-o-o-o-o-ong?”
[ she waits for the audience to applaud ]
Bobby & Kristen: She’s sorry!
Miley Cyrus: [ singing ] So sorry!
Bobby & Kristen: So sorry!
Miley Cyrus: [ singing ] Really sorry… that Im… not… perfe-e-e-e-e-e-ect!
[ the audience cheers ]
Miley Cyrus: Thank you! We’ve got a great ahow for you guys tonight! The Strokes are here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!