Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 16
The Essentials with Robert Osborne
Robert Osborne…..Jason Sudeikis
Captain Von Trapp…..Bill Hader
Richie Inez Jr…..Fred Armisen
Robert Osborne: Hello! Im Robert Osborne! And welcome to the Essentials where we take a behind the scenes look at Americas greatest films. Tonight: 1965s The Sound of Music. The film is filled with timeless characters and scenes. But tonight, we show you the moments you havent seen. The ones that ended up on the cutting room floor. Lets take a look.
Captain Von Trapp: Hello Maria! I expect my children to behave at all times. I am placing them in your command.
Maria: Oh, yes sir!
Captain Von Trapp: When I sound the whistle, they will step forward and say their name.
Richie Inez Jr.: Hey, how you doing? My name’s Ricardo! But most people call me Richie. Except for my landlord — he just calls me late, you know!
Captain Von Trapp: Hold on, Maria! This is my adopted son, Richie.
Liesl: Richie didnt grow up in Austria, Fraulien.
Richie Inez Jr.: Oh no! I grew up in the hood! Ever hear of 125th street? Yeah, we used to call that downtown! The bus wouldnt even go to my neighborhood. The only bus was 15 chillas garbage trucks goin da. Dalalala.
Robert Osborne: Though not in the original script, the part of Richie was added by studio head Darryl Zanuck, as a vehicle for the 34 year old Hispanic comedian Richie Inez Jr. When director Robert Wise compained, Zanuck memorably quipped two machups, welcome to Hollywood! Lets take a look at another lost scene.
Liesl: (singing) “I am 16 going on 17, I know that Im naïve. Fellows I meet tell me Im sweet. And willingly I believe!”
Richie Inez Jr.: Liesl! Liesl! Liesl! Check it out! When I was 16, I lived in the projects! We didnt played hide and seek. We just played hide. I would hide behind the fridge. You would see a cockroach back there. Sshh! Thats hiding, too! And I would never hide behind the fridge on Larway.
Liesl: Right. Richie, can you keep a secret? Rolfe and I are in love. Isnt it wonderful?
Richie Inez Jr.: Oh! Yeah! Yeah! I know about love, man! Growing up on my block there was this girl named Juanita! She had long legs and one of those Dominican butts. Rolfe, you know what Im talking about?
Rolfe: Oh! I know!
Richie Inez Jr.: Hahaha! He knows! He knows what Im talking about.
Liesl: (singing) “I need someone older and wiser. Telling me what to do.”
Richie Inez Jr.: Liesl! Liesl! Liesl! Liesl! You single chica! Dont give up on that ok?
Robert Osborne: If you listen closely at the end of that scene, you can hear Julie Andrews say: “Youve got to be kidding me!” Richie Inez Jr. filmed for 7 weeks on location in Salzburg, Austria. Cast members said he spent most of that time pointing out things that he didnt have while growing up. Fun Fact: All of Richies lines were lifted from the 1964 comedy album Wanted: Dead or Hispanic. Lets take a look at one final scene.
Kids: (singing) “So long! Fare well! Ill leave and say goodnight!”
Friedrich/Louisa: We hate to go! And miss this pretty sight!
Kids: So long! Fare well! Ill leave and say Ado!
Liesl: Ado! Ado! To you and you and you!
Richie Inez Jr.: Hold on! Hold on! Hold on! Hold on! One last thing, ok! Bring down the music! Kurt, hand me that microphone! Alright!!!!!! Now, a lot of you out there are afraid of the Germans. You know what I was afraid of when I was growing up? My grandma! She used to sleep with one eye open with a bat in her hand! You can think about breaking something! Wapa!!!! I didnt do anything wrong! You guys know what Im talking about!
Liesl: Wrap it up, Richie!!
Richie Inez Jr.: Okay, Im gonna wrap it up now! But every year on your birthday, shes gonna make you friend panties! You know that panties! Put a half stick of butter in there! And then she puts in the panties! Bsh!!!!!!! And that sound, to me, thats the sound of music, man!
Robert Osborne: Richie Inez Jr. went on to be cut out of several Hollywood classics! Including The Graduate. Star Wars. And Jaws. Where he famously said Were gonna need a bigger butt. For The Essentials, Im Robert Osborne!
Submitted by: Connor Cronholm