Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
The Devil…..Jason Sudeikis
Anthony Crispino…..Bobby Moynihan
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: Good evening! I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:
[ sternly, to image of Charlie Sheen ] No! Not yet! I will get to you! But other things happened this week, and I’m gonna talk about them first! Be patient!
Embattled Libyan leader Moammar Khadaffi appeared on a Serbian TV station this past weekend and denied there was any revolt in his country, saying, “There are no incidents at the moment and Libya is completely quiet. There is nothing unusual.” Adding, “Aside, as always, from my face and my outfits.”
In honor of the role that social media played in overthrowing Hosni Mubarak, a man in Egypt has named his daughter “Facebook” — ’cause he sure wasnt going to name her “Zuckerberg.”
Republican Newt Gingrich, on Thursday, announced that he is forming an exploratory committee for a possible presidential run in 2012. The central question: Are voters still going by charisma, or have they switched over to head size?
[ to image of Charlie Sheen ] Okay. You’ve been patient. Now I’m gonna tell a bunch of jokes about you.
In an interview Monday, Charlie Sheen claims he quit drugs on his own saying, “I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind.” I dont know. I find it hard to believe that a guy whos done that much coke was able to close his eyes.
The suspension of Charlie Sheens sitcom, “Two and a Half Men”, and Sheens subsequent bizarre television and radio appearances have dominated the news this week. And, with a story that big, there are bound to be some “Winners and Losers.”
[ “Winners/Losers” graphic ]
First up, Winner: Denise Richards. She walked out of a bad movie nice and early, and the rest of us are still sitting here watching it. Denise Richards is like someone who sold her house in 2007.
Winner: Angus T. Jones. Not only does this guy get a break from the worlds worst role model, he gets to wrap up puberty off-camera. No one should have to make the difficult transition from half-man to man in the public eye. I myself was a cute kid, and I look normal now, but everything in between was just knobby joints and patchy body hair.
Also, winner: 80’s slang. I would have thought the only way to hear “gnarly” and “bitchin” so much would be via a time machine. I guess this proves the theory that when you do cocaine, your slang freezes in time like a prehistoric mosquito in amber. What do you mean there’s new slang? How did I not hear it? You havent stopped talking for 25 years!
Loser: The news media. Everyone got their perspective a little skewed. Piers Morgan talked to Sheen the way a guy who just ran out of coke talks to a guy who still has some. “Well you seem fine to me!” Even Al-Jazeera started their broadcast with “Libya is on the brink of a civil war, but first — Wild Times at Sober Valley Lodge.”
Winner: Parents of porn stars who arent living with Charlie Sheen. Finally some good news for the neighbors. “Hey, is your daughter the one whos living with -?” “No, she’s not.” “You must be very proud.” “I am!”
Also loser: Tigers. Tigers must be wondering: “Why is he dragging us into this? Were FULL of tiger blood and we dont behave like that.” Were noble jungle cats, and if we want gazelles we have to chase them down and catch them. We dont call a service and have two of them show up at our hotel rooms.”
And the biggest loser: Winning. Doesnt seem to mean the same thing anymore.
Announcer: [ over “Winners/Losers” graphic ] This has been… “Winners and Losers.”
Fashion designer John Galliano, who was fired by Christian Dior this week for making anti-Semitic remarks, denied the charges against him, saying he was provoked when “an individual tried to hit him with a chair.” And if youve ever been threatened with a chair, you know the occasional “I love Hitler” just slips out.
A member of the Brigham Young University basketball team has been suspended for the rest of the season for violating the schools honor code by having premarital sex. The player says he feels terrible, but he has a pretty good idea on how hes going to cheer himself up.
Seth Meyers: The Supreme Court, earlier this week, issued a landmark First Amendment ruling. It upheld the right of the Westboro Baptist Church to protest at military funerals. Here to comment: The Devil.
The Devil: [ catcalls, then laughs ] Yeah! Great to be here, Seth! Thank you for having me!
Seth Meyers: Uhhh — sure thing, “The Devil”! How are you?
The Devil: Ah, I’m busy as HOME, man! Busy as home!
Seth Meyers: [ confused ] You’re “busy as home”?
The Devil: Yeah — Busy as HELL, Seth! Hell’s my home!
Seth Meyers: Okay…
The Devil: Try to keep up, buddy! [ he laughs ]
Seth Meyers: Okay. So, what have you been up to?
The Devil: Ohhh, boy! What have I been up to? Well, let’s just see, uh… I just wrapped up Awards season. Yeah, you know, I wrote Ricky Gervais some jokes for the Golden Globes — that was fun. Uhhh, I produced the Oscars this year — they went perfectly. Uhhh — oh! And the McRib came back! So, you’re welcome, arteries! Uh — but I always have time for you, Seth!
Seth Meyers: Oh. Well… thank you. So, what do you think about the Westboro Baptist Church protesting at military funerals?
The Devil: Well, I HATE it! I-I-I mean, no way, man! Those people are… AWFUL!
Seth Meyers: So, wait — the Devil doesn’t support the Westboro Baptist Church. That surprises me, because what they’re doing is pure evil.
The Devil: Oh, exactly! And I LOVE evil! I mean, I’m the physical incarnation of pure evil! But, come on! What they’re doing is HEINOUS! And I’m DOWN with heineous. I mean, look at me — who wear red with red? [ he laughs ] You know, not that I can’t pull it off, obviously. But, I mean they hold up these signs that say “God Hates Gay People.” Ugh! What?! At a military funeral? Please! First of all, God doesn’t hate gay people, okay? God doesn’t hate anyone — that’s his whle THING! God doesn’t even hate ME!! I mean, he’s disappointed, you know what I mean? But he doesn’t HATE me. If anything, I hate gay people! Okay? I mean, I’ve spent years and years working to destroy urban neighborhoods through drugs, violence and poverty, and then these gays SWOOP in — right? — they clean everything up, and suddenly there’s cupcake shops and candle stores everywhere! I mean — and, you know what? They’re SO nice, too! Ugh! I tell ya, I HATE ’em — but I can’t stay mad at ’em!
Seth Meyers: So, if you don’t mind my asking — since these protests are so awful, can I assume they’re going to Hell?
The Devil: [ gushing ] Oh, you KNOW it, buddy! Whoo, you know it! And I cannot wait, oh man! I know EXACTLY what I’m gonna do — I’ve been planning this thing for years, okay? I’m gonna dress up, first off, dress up like God — you know, with the long beard and the white robe and the Enya CD playing in the background? You know, the whole nine, okay? Then, when they show up, I’m gonna be, like, “Ohhhhhh, thank you guys SO much for all your funeral protesting! You guys SO get me!” And then, just when they start hugging and high-fiving each other, BOOM!! I rip off the costume and I say, “You just got DAMN’D!!” [ he laughs and flourishes ]
Seth Meyers: Nice! That’s good. So, what’s next for The Devil?
The Devil: Uhhh — well, you know, it’s a big Saturday night in New York City, so, uh, let’s see — I’ve got a married secretary in Murray Hill about to not go home with a bartender, so… I gotta put a Pass on that. Um, let’s see — you know, I’m just gonna oversee some stuff in the Meat Packing District tonight… and then, you know, back to the West Coast to help with the next season of “Entourage”.
Seth Meyers: Oh. Well, that’s great! Thanks for stopping by! The Devil, everyone!
The Devil: Alright!
Seth Meyers: Police in Toronto raided a pizza restaurant and found more than one million dollars in marijuana and other drugs. Im not a cop, but if you want to find even more marijuana… deliver the pizzas.
It was reported this week that Los Angeles County health officials discovered the bacteria that causes Legionnaires disease at the Playboy Mansion. [ sarcastically ] Oh, did they find a weird old-timey disease at that bastion of health and cleanliness? The home of the worlds oldest man and his stripper collection, its grounds crawling with weird zoo animals that you know arent being looked after by any kind of a zookeeper? Just a bunch of sick peacocks and gimpy llamas running around, using the badminton court as a toilet while a 19-year-old runaway in a bikini Googles what youre supposed do when a spider monkey has a cough? And they just found Legionnaires disease? Keep looking, county health officials, thats probably just the tip of the petri dish!
A new stomach pacemaker device has been developed that sends electrical signals to the stomach and brain to make a person feel full and help them lose weight. “Hey, Bill, why dont you take the stairs once in a while?” “Nah, better put a robot inside me! I think that would be easier, just a robot!” “No salad?” “Noooo, robot!”
Seth Meyers: Well, there’s a lot of news in the news this week. But here with the news he hears secondhand, is Secondhand News correspondent Anthony Crispino.
Anthony Crispino: Hey! Seth! How you doin’, man? It’s great to be BACK! Huh? [ points ] Hey, I like that tie! It’s a… Costco, right?
Seth Meyers: No. It’s not from Costco.
Anthony Crispino: Could’ve fooled me!
Seth Meyers: Oh, man…
Anthony Crispino: Alright.
Seth Meyers: So, Anthony, what have you heard, news-wise?
Anthony Crispino: Well, uh, first of all, uh — [ he glances past Seth’s shoulder, then behind his own, as Seth follows with amused bewilderment ] Did you hear about this, the Oscars, Seth?
Seth Meyers: Yeah.
Anthony Crispino: Best Picture… went to “Larry King’s Speech”. Yep! And, uh, Melissa Leo — she dropped the H-bomb!
Seth Meyers: Incorrect.
Anthony Crispino: Yeah! It’s true! Heard a lot of people. And, uh, Natalie Portman… won Best Actress. But you know who wasn’t too happy about it? Arkansas governor Huckleberry Hound. Yeah! You see, he was MAD because she made a baby out of dreadlocks. [ he glances around ]
Seth Meyers: No. No. He was mad because she had a baby out of wedlock.
Anthony Crispino: Uhhhh — either way, man, I loved her in her Oscar movie “Black Tron”, starring Todd Bridges.
Seth Meyers: No…
Anthony Crispino: [ he smacls the desktop ] GOOD MOVIE!! I love that guy!
Seth Meyers: Who told you that?
Anthony Crispino: Who told me that? My NEPHEW — Disaster Greg!
Seth Meyers: Well… I believe Disaster Greg was misinformed.
Anthony Crispino: No! No, no, no, Seth — he was mis…FORMED! That’s why he’s such a disaster! See, his eyes are where his ears are supposed to be — he’s a WEIRD looking dude, Seth!
Seth Meyers: Let’s just — let’s just move on.
Anthony Crispino: [ raising his hands in surrender ] Okay! Okay! So, uh — [ he glances past Seth’s shoulder, then past his own ] You hear about this, uh — [ he glances further past Seth’s shoulder, then past his own ] You hear about this situation in North Africa? There’s this wizard over there, causing all sorts of trouble — Gandolphi!
Seth Meyers: No! He’s not a wizard, and his name’s Gaddaffi.
Anthony Crispino: [ high-pitched ] I’m pretty sure —
Seth Meyers: No!
Anthony Crispino: [ high-pitched ] I’m pretty sure it’s —
Seth Meyers: No!
Anthony Crispino: [ high-pitched ] I’m pretty sure it’s Gandolphi, Seth!
Seth Meyers: No! It’s definitely not!
Anthony Crispino: [ higher-pitched ] I’m pretty sure!
Seth Meyers: IT’S NOT!! No matter HOW high your voice gets!
Anthony Crispino: I coouldn’t hear that one, it ewas too high! But, you see, Seth, apparently this Gandolphi, he’s a real ladies man! You know? Because he calls himself, you know, The President of Labia! It’s true! It’s true!
Seth Meyers: I’m not even gonna touch that one.
Anthony Crispino: Oh, you’re not gonna touch labia, Seth? [ throws his hands up in surrender ] Okay! Okay! Alright! [ he glances past his shoulder, as Seth follws his gaze, then he glances inside his jacket ]
Seth Meyers: What about the big news story this week? Did you hear anything about Charlie Sheen?
Anthony Crispino: [ seriously ] No. What? What happened? Is he okay?
Seth Meyers: Oh, come on!
Anthony Crispino: Was he in the news? What happened?
Seth Meyers: You didn’t hear ANYTHING about Charlie Sheen?!
Anthony Crispino: No, no — I haven’t even heard of the guy.
Seth Meyers: Oh, come on!
Anthony Crispino: But, hey! Did you hear about this TV star whose show got cancelled because he went crazy and did a bunch of cocaine?! This Charlie Rose?
Seth Meyers: NO!! That was Charlie Sheen!
Anthony Crispino: Nah, I’m pretty sure it was Charlie Rose, Seth! They cancelled his show — “Two Men, a Girl, and Half a Pizza Place”! And now — NOW! — he’s been sending out messages via Twizzlers.
Seth Meyers: NO!!
Anthony Crispino: Yeah! Yeah, he sent out like a MILLION Twizzlers! There’s candy everywhere!
Seth Meyers: Who told you that?!
Anthony Crispino: Who told me that? Oh, it was this AWESOME guy named Charlie Sheen.
Seth Meyers: Alright, that’s enough! Anythony Crispino, everybody!
Anthony Crispino: I like that tie, Seth!
[ he glances around maniacally before wheeling his chair offscreen ]
Seth Meyers: A new parking garage has opened in Manhattan that is completely automated and has no parking attendants. So, everybody — come bring your cars to New Yorks first lawless rob-and-murder cave!
Apple CEO Steve Jobs, on Wednesday, unveiled the new iPad 2, which will have two cameras and be thinner and faster than the cuurent one. You know what Apple’s really good at? Making you feel bad about your Christmas present. We all just got the last one. I feel like Steve Jobs is the kind of guy who would introduce you to a hot girl the day after your wedding: “Hey, Jobs, Im married! But… what are her features?”
This week, a school in Michigan held its 6th annual Mom Prom, in which women are encouraged to wear old prom dresses or bridesmaid dresses for a charity dance. Just a side note: when I said the phrase “Mom Prom”, my penis went up inside me.
Heidi, the famous cross-eyed opossum in Germany, almost successfully picked all the top winners at the Oscars this year. But she incorrectly chose “127 Hours” to win for Best Picture. In Heidis defense, shes an animal who doesnt know what words are.
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers! Good night!