Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 16
Duh! Winning! with Charlie Sheen
Charlie Sheen…. Bill Hader
Christina Aguilera….Abby Elliott
John Galiano….Taran Killam
Muammar Gaddafi….Fred Armisen
Lindsay Lohan….Miley Cyrus
Announcer: Up next, on every channel website, it’s the new talk show Duh! Winning! with Charlie Sheen.
Christina Aguilera: [sings] Now it’s time for Duh! Winning! with Charlie Sheeeeeeeeen![Show’s logo. “Duh! Winning with Charlie Sheen”] [Charlie sits on his talk show smoking and looking like hell]
Charlie Sheen: Hello. And welcome to Duh! Winning!. The show for people who are tired of apologizing for their bitching, gnarly rockstar lives and ready to celebrate being highly evolved warlocks. Say hello to my band leader miss Christina Aguilera.
Christina Aguilera: Hey, Charlie.
Charlie Sheen: Winning! Hey, what’s new with you goddess?
Christina Aguilera: Things are pretty…[sings] Ro–oo–oouuuuugh! I botched the National Anthem, I fell down at the Grammys and this week I got arrested for–[sings] public intoxicaaaa–tioooo–ooon!
Charlie Sheen: You know what you really got arrested for? Public intoxi–winning! I mean look at you. You’re like my ideal woman. You’re blond, you make terrible decisions. You know. You’re blond.
Christina Aguilera: Thanks Charlie.
Charlie Sheen: Let’s meet our first guest. He’s a gnarly, gnarlington who speaks his mind. A radical, radical dude. Fashion designer, John Galiano.
Christina Aguilera: [sings] John Galianoooooooo! Winning![John comes out dressed like a gay pirate. Sits next to Charlie]
John Galiano: Hi there.
Charlie Sheen: John Galiano, bitching rock star, great guy. How many points you put up on the scoreboard this week, what? Like a million?
John Galiano: More like zero. I had a bad week, Charlie.
Charlie Sheen: Pleeeease.
John Galiano: Seriously. I was caught saying “I love Hitler”. But it was taken completely out of context. I wasn’t praising Hitler the person, I was praising Hitler’s political views. It’s so terrible I was fired by Christian Dior.
Charlie Sheen: So what? I lost my job too and now I can do whatever I want, you know, I can do “Major League 3″, ” Hot Shots Part Cuatro”. I’m really excited by this, “Platoon 2: Electric Platoonaloo”.
John Galiano: You’re so positive.
Charlie Sheen: Uh, Duh! Winning! And so are you. Quick, give me three awesome things about you. Go.
John Galiano: Um, ok. I have no ugly friends. I dress up like a methed-out musketeer. And I got a mustache that whispers “I’m a bad person”.
Charlie Sheen: And how’s that make you feel?
John Galiano: Winning!
Charlie Sheen: See? That’s our lives. Deal with it. Sorry middle America. Losers! Winning! Bye bye! Real quick, I want to thanks today’s sponsor “Tiger Blood”. Just blood from a tiger in a jar. [holds up the jar] It’s up to you what to do with it. Next guest is Muammar Ghadafi, or how I like to call him “Mo-Muff” Gaddafi.
Christina Aguilera: [sings] Muammar Ghadafiiiiii–iiiii! Winning![Ghadafi enters in his desert pastel colored robes, salutes John, sits]
Muammar Gaddafi: Charlie, is great to be here. It’s great to be anywhere but Lybia. Who’s running that place? [laughs]
Charlie Sheen: Winning! You and I have a lot in common. You’re a Vatican assassin and you’re 79. I’m a Vatican assassin and I look 79. We’ve got tiger blood!
Muammar Gaddafi: Thanks, you know, but actually I’m not doing so great.
Charlie Sheen: Impossible. You’re so bitching, so gnarly. You’re killing it right now.
Muammar Gaddafi: If by “it” you mean my people, then yes I’m very much killing it.
Charlie Sheen: Down get down on yourself. You’ve been a a star dictator on a hit country for 42 seasons. Without you no one even talks about Lybia? I mean, who they’re gonna replace you? Elected democracy? John Stamos? Come on! So what? Some trolls called you an anti-semite.
Muammar Gaddafi: I don’t understand what that means.
Charlie Sheen: It means you hate Jews.
Muammar Gaddafi: Oh, I’m definitely that, yes. I didn’t understand, put me down as totally on that.
Charlie Sheen: Either way. Real quick. Three good things about yourself. Go.
Muammar Gaddafi: Ok. I have the courage of a lion. The heart of a monster and I dress like Humpty Hump from Digital Underground.
Charlie Sheen: How do you feel now, Muammar?
Muammar Gaddafi: Winning!
Charlie Sheen: Winning! Let’s go to a quick viewer e-mail. “Charlie, everything you’re saying is making perfect sense. I’ve been waiting my whole life for someone to spell things out so clearly. Finally I know, I’m not crazy” Well, thank you very much firstname.lastname@example.org.Our final guest is a long time member of the winning circle. Please welcome, Lindsay Lohan.
Christina Aguilera: [sings] Lindsay Lohaaaaaa–aan! Winning!
Lindsay Lohan: Hey Charlie.
Charlie Sheen: Hey Lindsay. You winning?
Lindsay Lohan: You know it.
Charlie Sheen: Radical! Lay it on me.
Lindsay Lohan: Things are great. My new movie Herbie opened 68 months ago and the Los Angeles courthouse gave me my own parking spot. Winning!
Charlie Sheen: Winning!
Lindsay Lohan: Duh!
Charlie Sheen: Duh! Ha,ha,ha,hold on, hold on real quick. [rubs defibrillators together] Clear! [zaps himself in the chest, lays dead for a moment and zaps back to life again] Hey, we’re winning again! All right, real quick I got to mention another sponsor. Baby urine.[holds a cup of urine] Got a drug test coming up? Reach for some nice, clean baby urine.
Lindsay Lohan: Can I get some of that?
Charlie Sheen: Ah, yes. [gives Lindsay the bottle, she leaves the set] That’s the show. Let’s take a look as we always do, at the scoreboard.[Scoreboard: Charlie Sheen 10,000. Trolls 0] Tough day for the trolls. Show is done, is in the past, I’m done, bye-bye, I got to do 10 more interviews but real quick, Live from New York…[frantic hand signals] it’s Saturday Night!
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel