SNL Transcripts: Zach Galifianakis: 03/12/11


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 17

This free script provided by]]> Widgets

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

March 12th, 2011

Zach Galifianakis

Jessie J




Selection SundaySummary: It’s March Madness, so Greg Gumbel and Jim Nantz bring down the brackets to determine who’s the craziest person in the world.

Recurring Characters: Greg Gumbel, Jim Nantz, Muammer Gaddaffi, Charlie Sheen.



Zach Galifianakis’ MonologueSummary: Zach Galifianakis introduces new characters he’s working on, then lip-synchs “Tomorrow” while dressed as Little Orphan Annie.


The TalkSummary: Frantic “The View” fan (Zach Galifianakis) is dissapointed to be stuck in the audience of insipid knock-off during his birthday.

Recurring Characters: Sharon Osbourne, Whoopi Goldberg.

The Original Kings Of Catchphrase ComedySummary: A group of hacky comedians whose routines consist of one semi-amusing catchphrase are now on tour together.

Scared StraightSummary: Hardcore inmates Lorenzo McIntosh (Kenan Thompson) and Creepy Guy (Zach Galifianakis) try to scare another trio of young punks (Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) straight.

Recurring Characters: Lorenzo McIntosh, Officer Sikorsky.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: In “Zach Looks for a New Assistant”, Zach Galifianakis interviews mature children for the oafish position.

Jessie J performs “Price Tag”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Julie Taymor (Kristen Wiig) comments about her dismissal as director of Broadway’s “Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark”. Liam the Teenager Who Just Woke Up (Andy Samberg) comments about fluctuating oil prices as it pertains to his weird dreams.

Recurring Characters: Liam the Teenager Who Just Woke Up.

NoodlesSummary: Mom (Kristen Wiig) and Dad (Zach Galifianakis) try to find a gentle way to tell their kids (Nasim Pedrad, Bobby Moynihan, Abby Elliott) that the family dog died from autoerotic asphyxiation.


Celebrity ScoopSummary: Kind-hearted Canadian gossips (Kristen Wiig, Fred Armisen) have only nice things to say about American celebrities.

Jesse J perform “Mamma Knows Best”

Corn Syrup Producers of AmericaSummary: Moms (Nasim Pedrad, Kristen Wiig) disagree on the virtues of high-fructose corn syrup.


TitanicSummary: Ignoring the lives of the passengers he endangered, the Titanic’s Captain (Zach Galifianakis) disguises himself as a woman and sneaks aboard a life boat headed for shore.


Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Fertility SessionSummary: Fertility doctor (Jason Sudeikis) counsels a woman (Kristen Wiig) who can’t have kids because her husband (Zach Galifinakis) insists on wearing five pairs of pants with no boxer shorts.

National Naming CompetitionSummary: Participants (Zach Galifinakis, Nasim Pedrad) compete to see who name the most number of people in an allotted amount of time.

Salon TalkSummary: Hair stylist’s (Abby Elliott) moment in the sun is ruined by the bickering between her parents (Zach Galafianakis, Kristen Wiig) on their salon talk show.

Recurring Characters: Gene Shemp, Lydia Shemp.

70’s AlbumsSummary: Music lover (Jason Sudeikis) shuns company after burning his hand in the fireplace and tries to enjoy his favorite 70’s hits alone.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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