SNL Transcripts: Zach Galifianakis: 03/12/11

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 17

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

March 12th, 2011

Zach Galifianakis

Jessie J




Selection SundaySummary: It’s March Madness, so Greg Gumbel and Jim Nantz bring down the brackets to determine who’s the craziest person in the world.

Recurring Characters: Greg Gumbel, Jim Nantz, Muammer Gaddaffi, Charlie Sheen.



Zach Galifianakis’ MonologueSummary: Zach Galifianakis introduces new characters he’s working on, then lip-synchs “Tomorrow” while dressed as Little Orphan Annie.


The TalkSummary: Frantic “The View” fan (Zach Galifianakis) is dissapointed to be stuck in the audience of insipid knock-off during his birthday.

Recurring Characters: Sharon Osbourne, Whoopi Goldberg.

The Original Kings Of Catchphrase ComedySummary: A group of hacky comedians whose routines consist of one semi-amusing catchphrase are now on tour together.

Scared StraightSummary: Hardcore inmates Lorenzo McIntosh (Kenan Thompson) and Creepy Guy (Zach Galifianakis) try to scare another trio of young punks (Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) straight.

Recurring Characters: Lorenzo McIntosh, Officer Sikorsky.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: In “Zach Looks for a New Assistant”, Zach Galifianakis interviews mature children for the oafish position.

Jessie J performs “Price Tag”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Julie Taymor (Kristen Wiig) comments about her dismissal as director of Broadway’s “Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark”. Liam the Teenager Who Just Woke Up (Andy Samberg) comments about fluctuating oil prices as it pertains to his weird dreams.

Recurring Characters: Liam the Teenager Who Just Woke Up.

NoodlesSummary: Mom (Kristen Wiig) and Dad (Zach Galifianakis) try to find a gentle way to tell their kids (Nasim Pedrad, Bobby Moynihan, Abby Elliott) that the family dog died from autoerotic asphyxiation.


Celebrity ScoopSummary: Kind-hearted Canadian gossips (Kristen Wiig, Fred Armisen) have only nice things to say about American celebrities.

Jesse J perform “Mamma Knows Best”

Corn Syrup Producers of AmericaSummary: Moms (Nasim Pedrad, Kristen Wiig) disagree on the virtues of high-fructose corn syrup.


TitanicSummary: Ignoring the lives of the passengers he endangered, the Titanic’s Captain (Zach Galifianakis) disguises himself as a woman and sneaks aboard a life boat headed for shore.


Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Fertility SessionSummary: Fertility doctor (Jason Sudeikis) counsels a woman (Kristen Wiig) who can’t have kids because her husband (Zach Galifinakis) insists on wearing five pairs of pants with no boxer shorts.

National Naming CompetitionSummary: Participants (Zach Galifinakis, Nasim Pedrad) compete to see who name the most number of people in an allotted amount of time.

Salon TalkSummary: Hair stylist’s (Abby Elliott) moment in the sun is ruined by the bickering between her parents (Zach Galafianakis, Kristen Wiig) on their salon talk show.

Recurring Characters: Gene Shemp, Lydia Shemp.

70’s AlbumsSummary: Music lover (Jason Sudeikis) shuns company after burning his hand in the fireplace and tries to enjoy his favorite 70’s hits alone.

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