SNL Transcripts: Zach Galifianakis: 03/12/11: Corn Syrup Producers of America

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 17














10q: Zach Galifianakis / Jessie J

Corn Syrup Producers of America

Mom #1…..Nasim Pedrad
Mom #2…..Kristen Wiig
Daughter…..Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: [ over product slide ] The following is a message from the Corn Syrup Producers of America.

[ dissolve to child’s birthday party scene ] [ Mom #1 pours juice from a jug as Mom #2 steps forward ]

Mom #2: Wow. You don’t care what the kids eat, huh?

Mom #1: Excuse me?

Mom #2: Uh, that has high-fructose corn syrup in it.

Mom #1: [ incredulous ] And?

Mom #2: Well, you know the things they say about high-fructose corn syrup. [ she laughs ]

Mom #1: Like what?

Mom #2: Well… um…

Mom #1: That it’s made from corn, and it’s natural enough and like sugar and it’s fine in moderation?

Mom #2: I guess…

Mom #1: You guess what? That you should have kept your MOUTH shut?

[ Mom #2 is rendered speechless ] [ Mom #1 raises her eyebrows in assured victory ]

Mom #2: I-I never… [ she sips from her mug ]

Mom #1: Never what? Never heard of science? You know, this is a real jam for me — trust scientists… or stay-at-home mom Sheila from down the street who’s having wine at ten a.m.

Mom #2: I’m sorry… Let’s just…

Mom #1: Let’s just what? Make a bigger deal about the corn syrup? At this FUN party that I’ve invited you to, even though I didn’t want to because you say shit like this?

Mom #2: Okay. [ collecting her thoughts ] Hey, that’s a great sweater!

Mom #1: Thanks! It was my daughter’s, but she grew out of it.

[ cut to plump daughter spilling out of her tight clothes ]

Daughter: Mommy! Could I have some more juicy drink?

Mom #1: Of course, you can!

Daughter: Yeah!

[ she chugs the drink then runs off, exposinger her butt crack ]

Mom #2: She’s cute.

Mom #1: Yep.

Mom #1 V/O: Get the facts. Check out our web site… [ SUPER: “ThereAreWorseThingsThanCornSyrup.com” ] and no other web sites.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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