Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 17
Zach Galifianakis’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Zach Galifianakis!
Zach Galifianakis: Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you very much, thank you. Thank you. Please be quiet! It’s great to be back hosting “Saturday Night Live”. All week, I was thinking to myself: “Don’t screw this up, Fatty.” That was actually a text from my mother.
I’ll never forget what my grandmother said right before she passed away. She said to me right before she passed away, she said to me, she said: “What are you doing?”
My neighbor — I ran into my neighbor, and he said, “Hey, uh, I hear you’re on the TV sometimes. Why don’t you say something about me on the TV?” [ he turns for a close-up ] STOP stealing my tomatoes!
I have a lot of exciting things coming up. Uh, next week, uh — I’ll be at Long John Silver’s. And, in April, I’ll be babysitting my sister’s kids via Skype.
I also have a DVD of my stand-up, and it’s selling like… whatever the opposite of hotcakes is.
I wear a lot of Axe body spray. But I live in a black neighborhood — it’s called Ask body spray. And, if you don’t get that joke… then, you’re not racist.
[ the audience eats it up as he turns to acknowledge a Black musician in the band ]
The only time it’s good to yell out “I have diarrhea!” is when you’re playing Scrabble. Because it’s worth a crapload of points.
This show has a lot of characters in it. I’ve been doing a lot of, uh, characters over the years, and I’d like to showcase a few characters I’ve been working on. This first character is called the Redneck Who Orders Stuff at Convenience Stores Very Masculine-Like, But Cannot Order One of the Products Very Masculinely. Here we go: [ deep-voiced ] “Uh, yeah — can I get some beef jerky… some, uh, Copenhagen… a foot-long corn dog… and some, uh… [ high-pitched voice ] Skittles!”
This next character is called The Guy From Queens Who’s Obsessed With Cargo Shorts. Here we go: [ tough-guy accent ] “What are those, cargo shorts?”
This next character — this next character is called… [ he approaches a woman in the audience and leans casually upon her chair ] The Worst Bragger in the World: “So, uh, yeah… I was french-kissing my brother the other night…”
[ he returns to Home Base ]
THank you. Um… the jokes are done. And I want to talk about now, um — there’s a lot of issues going on, and, uh, in the country right now, in the United States, and I think it’s… very important for us a country to look forward to the future. [ he removes his jacket ] Because, uh… there’s always a tomorrow. Music, please.
[ he finishes removing his clothes to reveal a Little Orphan Annie costume, then begins to lip-synch to “Tomorrow” ]
[ as he lip-synchs, he tears sheets from an easel to reveal the following series of messages: ]
[ “THE SUN WILL COME OUT TOMORROW” ]
[ “I SURE HOPE SO” ]
[ “MARRIAGE SHOULD BE BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN” ]
[ “…OR BETWEEN TWO MEN WHO LIKE TO GO ANTIQUING” ]
[ “THANKS FOR THE APPLAUSE” ]
[ the audience applauds ]
[ “I WAS BULLIED AS A TEENAGER” ]
[ “BY FIRST GRADERS” ]
[ “LOOK AT ME NOW” ]
[ HE SKIPS AROUND THE STAGE ]
[ “CLAP IF YOU ENDORSE LEGALIZED MARIJUANA” ]
[ the audience applauds wildly ]
[ “I’M ASHAMED OF THIS AUDIENCE” ]
[ “THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN A LOT MORE CLAPPING” ]
[ “I SMOKE SO MUCH POT SOMETIMES I FORGET TO SMOKE IT” ]
[ “IRAN, IRAQ & NORTH IKEA…” ]
[ “WHAT TO DO?” ]
[ “DUKAKIS 2012” ]
[ glitter falls down as the audience cheers ]
[ he tears one more sheet from the easel: ]
[ “LOOKS LIKE FATTY DID OK” ]
Zach Galifianakis: we’ve got a great show! Hoobastank is here! No? Not again? [ he shrugs ] Jessie J is here! We’ll be right back!