SNL Transcripts: Zach Galifianakis: 03/12/11: Noodles



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 17












10q: Zach Galifianakis / Jessie J

Noodles

Dad…..Zach
Mom…..Kristen Wiig
Daughter #1…..Nasim Pedrad
Daughter #2…..Abby Elliott
Son…..Bobby Moynihan
Dr. Franks…..Bill Hader
Voice of Noodles…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on interior, family room ]

Dad: Uh, Trish, uh, I think we need to tell the kids about the dog.

Mom: You’re right, but let’s be gentle about it. Noodles was part of this family.

Dad: Of course. [ calling ] Hey, gang!

[ the kids come running in and take their seats on the couch ]

Dad: You kids okay? Um… You probably have been wondering where Noodles is.

Daughter #1: Is he having a treat?

Daughter #2: Is he at the dog park?

Son: He’s still alive, I’m sure.

Dad: Kids… sometimes when dogs get a little older… moms and dads… send them away to a nice farm.

Mom: And that’s what we did with Noodles. He’s at a big farm upstate, with lots of dogs to play with. And, hey — remember how Noodles… loved avocadoes?

Kids: Yeah!

Mom: Okay! Well, he’s on this farm, and they’ve got avocadoes growing on every tree!

Son: Oh, wow!

Daughter #2: I’m gonna miss him, but… I’m glad he’s happy.

Daughter #1: [ suspicious ] Wait a minute… you said the farm was upstate?

Mom: Uh, yeah.

Daughter #1: Well… unless New York State has undergone some kind of drastic climate shift, I doubt you’d find avocado trees there. Where’s Noodles?

Son & Daughter #2: Yeah, where’s Noodles?!

Mom: [ whispering ] Honey, try something else.

Dad: Okay, kids… Noodles is in doggie heaven. There’s lots of other dogs there, and… remember how he loved Aunt Rita?

Kids: Yeah?

Dad: Well… [ struggling ] She’s there to give them treats.

Son: Huh. But… why is Aunt Rita in doggie heaven?

Dad: Because God wants you to look like a dog. [ the kids eye him suspiciously ] Let me — let me just start over. Uhhh… [ he takes Mom’s hand and thinks ] Noodles was attacked by a bear.

Mom: [ whispering ] What?

Dad: I’m sorry! I panicked!

Daughter #1: What kind of bear? And it’d better be indignious to New York State!

Dad: [ crying ] It was! It was a panda bear!

Daughter #1: [ sternly ] What happened to Noodles?

Daughter #2: Yeahhh, what happened to Noodles?

Son: What happened to Noodles!

Mom: Noodles was killed by the Latin Kings.

Daughter #1: [ annoyed ] The Latin Kings haven’t been active in this area for YEARS!

Son: Yeah, uh… yeah!

Mom: [ whispering to Dad ] You take it.

Dad: Okay… [ thinking ] Noodles hung himself.

Daughter #1: [ aggravated ] He would NEVER hang himself! He had TOO much to live for!

Dad: He didn’t mean to hang himself, he was just —

Mom: Honey, you CAN’T Tell them!

Dad: The truth… MUST come out.

[ the kids scream for Dad to finally be honest ]

Dad: HE WAS CHOKING HIMSELF WHILE MASTURBATING!!! OKAY?!! ARE YOU HAPPY?!!

[ the kinds are stunned into silence ]

Dad: It was the ONLY way he could CLIMAX!! He would tighten his collar and LICK himself DRY!! And it went too far!!

Mom: Honey, let me, let me… [ solemn music pots up ] Kids… it’s called autoerotic asphysixation. It’s when a person or dog intensifies the thrill of masturbation by strangling himself. Sometimes they go a little far with the strangling. That’s what happened to Noodles.

Dad: It’s true. We found this dog porn magazine next to him. [ he holds up an issue of Puggs, then gives it a curious glance before putting it back down ] But… hey, even though Noodles died that way, we still do love him. Right?

Kids: Yeah…

[ Dr. Franks enters, carrying Noodles ]

Dr. Franks: Hello. I’m Dr. Franks from the vet’s office. Good news, everyone! We hought Noodles was dead, but he was just… in a coma! Anyway… here he is!

[ Dr. Franks hands Noodles over to the kids, who immediately gush over him ]

Mom: Oh! Kids, go play with Noodles!

Daughter #1: Maybe later…

Son: Yeah, I don’t know if I like him in my lap.

Noodles V/O: Ah, I suspected! I know you know what I’m doing. I know you think I’m a freak.

Dad: Noodles? Please know we would, we would never judge you.

Noodles V/O: Oh, I know! Only God can judge Noodles! You know… this family’s been through a lot today. So why don’t I do a little number to cheer everyone up?

[ music pots up, as Noodles sings “Luck Be a Lady” to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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