Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 18
KY Jelly Ladies Shot Put Championship 1985
Pete Twinkle…..Jason Sudeikis
Greg Stink…..Will Forte
Charlotte Ft. Worth…..Kristen Wiig
Carmela St. Knix…..Carmelo Anthony
Steve Stink…..Tom Hanks
[ open on ESPN Classic logo ]
Announcer: You’re watching ESPN Classic.
Pete Twinkle V/O: If you LOVE Track & Field, but hate the running and jumping parts — you’re in the right place! It’s the KY Jelly Ladies Shot Put Championship!
[ cut to commentators Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink at the booth ]
Pete Twinkle: Good morning! I’m Pete Twinkle, and seated next to me, providing GREAT color commentary — and, man is this guy a FANTASTIC dogsitter — it’s Greg Stink! How you doing, Greg?
Greg Stink: [ nasally ] I’m great, Pete! I recently broke my chin-up record, and today I JUST got pre-approved for a Mastercard!
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Sounds like you’re living the dream, buddy!
Greg Stink: Ho ho, I sure am!
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Alright! Well, why don’t we meet tonight’s players? Up first, we got crafty veteran Charlotte Fort. Worth!
[ reveal Charlotte stretching her arm ]
Pete Twinkle: There she is. Now, it looks like she’s stretching out that shoulder. Now, she tore her rotator cuff last month. How long does it take for something like that to heal?
Greg Stink: [ enthusiastic ] Yeah! How long DOES it take for something like that to heal!
Pete Twinkle: No, no, Greg — I was asking you.
Greg Stink: Ho, ho! you’re asking me?!
Pete Twinkle: Yeah! Any questions I ask are coming right at you, buddy!
Greg Stink: And any questions I ask are coming right back at you!
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] That’s a deal! Alright, well, Ft. Worth will be going up against the heavy favorite — Carmela St. Knix!
[ reveal Carmela combing her hair ]
Pete Twinkle: Aw, look at this! My, oh my! What a body! She used to live in Denver, and what an athlete she is! An amazing physical specimen, she stands 6’8″ tall — Greg, does her height give her any kind of an advantage?
Greg Stink: Oh… well, sure! If she’s trying to find someone in a crowd…
Pete Twinkle: Mmm-hmm.
Greg Stink: Or if she’s at a movie sitting behind someone wearing an Abraham Lincoln hat.
Pete Twinkle: No, no, no, buddy! No, I’m sorry about that. No — I’m asking if her height’s an advantage in the SHOT PUT!
Greg Stink: [ laughing ] And what is a shot put?
Pete Twinkle: Oh, boy! Greg Stink. You gotta love this guy! Hey, you know what else you gotta love? Our sponsor! KY Jelly! “No foreplay today? Hey, that’s okay! KY Jelly!” Now, Greg, in terms of distance… what’s the goal here for these ladies?
Greg Stink: Well, if the average man is around five inches, then, for a maximum pleasure, you’re just gonna want to put it all the way in!
Pete Twinkle: No, no! No, no, no, Greg! [ laughing ] Greg! Buddy! No, no, that’s MY fault, fella! no, I wasn’t asking about the distance goal using a FINE product like KY Jelly! I was asking about how far they would like to throw the shot.
Greg Stink: Well, 49… 70…
Pete Twinkle: Well, 70 what, buddy?
Greg Stink: [ laughing ] Oh, I don’t know!
Pete Twinkle: Okay! I’ll tell you what, folks — he’s not always right, but he’s never quite wrong. You know what else isn’t wrong? Using KY Jelly! “Protect her from your girth, with the greatest lube on Earth! KY Jelly!” Alright, it looks like Charlotte is in the circle and ready to trow!
[ Charlotte Ft. Worth throws her shot and screams ]
Pete Twinkle: There it is! Oh, that’s amazing! Look at this! Whoa, what a toss! That looked like about 23 metres and she is trying out a new dance called The Running Man! So impressive, so impressive! Hey, let’s get close to the action and check in with our sideline reporter — Greg, now you KNOW this guy!
Greg Stink: Yeah, it’s my brother Steve!
Pete Twinkle: Alright, well, Steve Stink, thanks for joining us!
[ reveal Steve Stink on the sidelines ]
Steve Stink: Well, Pete, it’s GREAT to be here! Yeah! Yeah! Greg! Hey, Greg! You forgot your lunch at home, but, don’t worry, I brought it for you! [ he holds up a lunch sack ]
Greg Stink: Ho, ho, ho! Thanks, Steve! What’s it looking like down there?
Steve Stink: Well — [ he looks at the sack lunch ] it’s a brown bag and it has your name on it, uh — and I think there’s food inside for you to eat!
Pete Twinkle: No, hold on! Hold on, Steve! I think your brother’s asking what the competition looks like!
Greg Stink: No, actually, I WAS asking about that lunch!
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] My mistake! Okay, now, Steve — a 23-metre throw. That’s impressive, right?
Steve Stink: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it sure is! You know, Ft. Worth is off to a great start! She is absoutely in her comfort zone. You know, speaking of comfort zones — “KY Jelly! When you’re seeing sparks, where your penis parks! KY Jelly!” Back to you!
Pete Twinkle: Alright! Thank you, Steve! Thank you very much! Hey, speaking of KY Jelly — “Make a little room for Paco, put some sauce on that taco! [ extended pause ] KY Lubricant Jelly!” Alright, looks like Carmela is stepping into the circle! Let’s check out the action!
[ Carmela St. Knix warms up ]
Pete Twinkle: Alright, she’s just getting a little warmed up there… here it comes. She’s picking out her ball. Looks like she’s getting ready to throw, though — here is comes, any second now. [ she throws her shot ] Oh, boy! Oh, wow, that’s a wild throw!
[ the shot knocks Steve Stink in the head ]
Pete Twinkle: Oh, no! And she is NOT happy! Here comes that St. Knix temper! Oh! She just crushed a shot put with he bare hands!
Greg Stink: Hold on there, I’ve gotta correct you, Pete! She doesn’t have bear hands, she has HUMAN hands! And people don’t really say “bear hands”, the say “paws”.
Pete Twinkle: Alright, duly noted. Duly noted. Hey, Steve! You alright down there?
Steve Stink: No, no, no… I-I’m freaked out… I just heard there was a bear around here… or a human with bear hands. Either way, I’m getting the hell out of here!
[ Steve Stink runs off ]
Pete Twinkle: Alright, okay! Thanks, buddy! Greg, you and your brother sure are two peas in a pod!
Greg Stink: Yeah!
Pete Twinkle: I really, really like the guy.
Greg Stink: Well, we spend a lot of time together. In fact, we just got back form a little trip to Vegas.
Pete Twinkle: Oh, yeah?! Where’d you stay?
Greg Stink: Circus Circus! They’be got the loosest slots!
Pete Twinkle: Hey! speaking of loose slots — KY Jelly! We’ll be right back!
[ fade ]
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