Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 18
Elton John’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Elton John!
Elton John: Thank you, thank you, thank you! It’s great to be here! I know that I’m a bit underdressed, but don’t worry — as the night goes on, I will get MORE fabulous! You know, I came on this show once before, as a musical guest in 1982. And, of all the things I’ve tried once, early in the 1980’s… this seemed like the safest one to try again! In any event, this is my second time here, so… it is entirely appropriate for me to say: “THE BITCH IS BACK!!” [ the audience cheers ] Although, I should note that I say that all the time, whether it’s appropriate or not.
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s been a very exciting time for me. Just a few months ago, my partner, David, and I became the proud parents of a beautiful baby boy. [ audience applauds as photo appears ] Thank you. And, as you can see, I still haven’t lost the baby weight! Our son’s name is… Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John — which, of course, is short for Zachary Jackson Levon Hakuna Matata Furnish-John. So far, the baby really takes after me — he screams and cries when he doesn’t get his way, and he’s had his ups and downs with the bottle. The baby has had some feeding difficulties: he’s rejecting the breast. and, in that way, he takes after BOTH if his fathers!
David and I had our child through a surrogate. Neither of us can become pregnant, though I promise you… we tried our hardest! Calm down, calm down! Choosing a surrogate mother was a very careful and a much thought-over process for David and myself. We looked at many candidates before finally selecting a woman who we could trust with the gift of life. And, after Latoya Jackson said “No,” we rang our second choice. So we were so thrilled when the baby was born. The doctor told us we had a healthy boy, with ten fingers, then toes, and $400 million! [ the audience applauds ] And that’s not counting royalties, which really add up. Watch this: “And you can tell evvvvvvverybody… this is your song!” [ the audience whoos ] Thank you! That just put him through college!
Many of you may be wondering what I’m like as a parent. I promise you, I’m going to be a normal father. I’m going to change diapers, teach him how to ride a bike, and help him with his homework. The only difference is that, while I’m doing these things, I will look like and be Elton John. For those of you still concerned that we are unusual parents, do not worry! It’s not like we’re the only two people involved in the child’s life. His godmother is Lady Gaga! That’s true, that is not a joke. Lady Gaga is his actual godmother. Which is ironic, because I’ve always said: “Mars ain’t the kind of place to riase your kids!” And Gaga loves Mars. She says Mars has good schools and great discos.
Alright, enough of this! Let’s get the party started. I do lots of stuff with awards shows and charity concerts, and tonight I just want to have fun. So how about we put on a great show. ARE YOU WITH ME?? [ the audience cheers ] COME ON!!! I’m Elton John, and don’t you DARE change the channel! Thank you.