Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 18
Barnaby Xaviar St. Hidgens III…..Paul Brittain
Richard Branson…..Bill Hader
Michael Caine…..Tom Hanks
Ian McKellan…..Taryn Killam
Sir Mix-a-Lot…..Kenan Thompson
Ringo Star…..Fred Armisen
[ open on BBC graphic for “Fancy a Jar, Do You?” ]
[ dissolve to interior, jar shop ]
Shopkeeper: Ohhhh, dear!
Wife: What are you so upset about?
Shopkeeper: We just got a delivery of a hundred jars!
Wife: So what’s the problem?
Shopkeeper: [ holding the jars to his eyes ] No lids!
Wife: Well, ain’t THIS a pickle! [ close-up zoom with audience voiceover ] A PICKLE JAR!!
[ cut to BBC News Special Report graphic ]
Announcer: We interrupt “Fancy a Jar, Do You?”, the most popular show in the history of Britain, for this special report.
[ dissolve to BBC news desk ]
Barnaby Xaviar St. Hidgens III: Good evening. I’m Barnaby Xaviar St. Hidgens III, filling in for Fat Danny. Well, after much debate in the lower house, it’s official: [ reveal graphic ] A dragon is attacking London. Prime Minister David Cameron has alerted the Army, the Navy, as well as taking the unprecedented step of activating the Knights of the Realm. The Knights of the REalm being, of course, British celebrities who have been knighted by the Queen. Said knights are now formulating a plan at the home of Sir Elton John.
[ cut to Elton John’s house ]
Elton John: Knights of the Realm… thank you for coming. As I say your name, make yourself known. Sir Richard Branson.
Richard Branson: I just came from SPAIN!! [ he laughs ]
Elton John: Sir Bono.
[ Bono clears his throat ]
Elton John: Well, uh… Sir Michael Caine.
Michael Caine: Thank you… Elton. It is lovely… to… be… here.
Elton John: You’re welcome.
Michael Caine: In… your… lovely… home.
Elton John: Are you done?
Michael Caine: I… am… not.
Elton John: Moving on — Sir Ian McKellen.
Ian McKellen: [ dressed as Gandolph ] Yooooou shall not passsss!!
Elton John: Awesome. And, of course, Sir Mix-a-Lot.
[ Sir Mix-a-Lot pumps his fist to the camera ]
Elton John: We should start because Sting is on his way, but we all know it takes him a long way to come — I mean, forever to come! [ he chuckles ]
[ a rimshot is heard, revealed to have come from Ringo Starr on drums ]
Elton John: Thank you, Ringo.
Ringo Starr: [ giving two peace signs with his fingers ] You’re welcome. Thank you for having me, even though I’m not a knight. And remember: peace and love conquers all.
Michael Caine: Not a bloody DRAGON, RINGO!! COME ON!!!
Elton John: We need a plan to stop this dragon. Any suggestions?
Michael Caine: Whenever I’m… in a row… with a mate… I take him down to the pub… have a few drinks… a few laughs… and that’s what we should do… with this dragon. [ Elton checks his watch, as the others roll their eyes ] I think you’ll find… we’ll lose an enemy… but… gain… a… [ lingering silence ]
Elton John: Friend?
Michael Caine: I’m not done. [ continues ] A… friend.
Elton John: I don’t think that will work, Sir Michael.
Richard Branson: [ with jet pack on ] I say we fire up our jet packs, fly up there and stab that bastard in the nose! Who’s with me?!
[ Branson rushes out of the room, as an explosion is seen and his body drops outside the window a short moment later ]
Elton John: Well… he’s dead.
[ Branson re-enters from the opposite side of the room ]
Richard Branson: Fortunately, I took the precaution of cloning myself earleir today! Hello, everyone! [ he takes his seat ]
Elton John: Focus, focus. Anyone have a worthwhile idea?
[ a dragon’s growl is heard ]
Bono: I want to send a message to everyone in this room. When artists put their souls together, they can accomplish anything.
Elton John: Except a Spider-Man musical!
[ Ringo fires up a rimshot ]
Elton John: [ singing ] “Can you smell a bomb toniiiiight?” “The Lion King”! Still in theatres!
[ the others voice their aggravation ]
Ringo Starr: [ making peace signs with his fingers ] I like the Muppets!
[ a dragon’s growl is heard ]
Ian McKellen: [ standing ] Listen! I have fought a dragon! I did not ASK for the challenge! But I faced it alone! We must rise and come together!!
Michael Caine: Ian… Did you steal… that costume?
Ian McKellen: No. The costume lady… GAVE IT TO MEEEEEEE!!!
Ringo Starr: [ holding a scroll ] I have an idea, mates! I was just reading in these ancient scrolls, that a dragon’s scales are weakest at his heart. If we can get a saw long enough —
Michael Caine: [ annoyed ] What are you doing?! You’re not a BLOODY KNIGHT!!!
All: SHUT UP, RINGO!!!
Elton John: Wait, wait, wait! Shh! Shh! Shh! I haven’t heard the dragon for a while.
Richard Branson: Let’s check the news, right there on the telly, everyone!
[ Elton clicks the TV onto the BBC News special report ]
Barnaby Xaviar St. Hidgens III: — the fire-breathing dragon that terrorized our city, has been killed! The deadly beast was vanquished by pop star Sting, who — [ checking the wire report ] I’m putting this as delicately as I can — “jizzed” all over it… [ he shakes his head ] until it died. Huh? We now return to “Fancy a Jar, Do You?”, where [ laughing ] oh, dear! Dierdre has just broken a large jar! Where do they get their ideas?
[ cut to “Fancy a Jar, Do You?” graphic ]
[ fade ]