SNL Transcripts: Helen Mirren: 04/09/11: Crunk-Ass Easter Festival



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 19


















10s: Helen Mirren / Foo Fighters

Crunk-Ass Easter Festival

DJ Supersoak…..Jason Sudeikis
Lil’ Blaster…..Nasim Pedrad MC George Castanza…..Jay Pharoah
Ass Dan…..Bobby Moynihan
DJ Stink Skunk…..Helen Mirren

[ open on fiery graphics ]

Announcer: Under-Underground Records is BACK!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: What up, yo! I’m DJ Supersoak!

Lil’ Blaster: And I’m Lil’ Blaster! And in case you didn’t notice, it’s that crazy-ass time of year again!

Together: EAS-TERRR!!

Lil’ Blaster: WHOO WHOO!!

DJ Supersoak: And what better way to celebrate, than with the first-ever Crunk-Ass Easter Festival!

Announcer: Crunk-Ass Easter Festival

[ cut to DJ Supersoak ]

Lil’ Blaster: We’ve got the HOTTEST underground rap and rock!

Announcer: These bands will… GIVE! JESUS! NIGHTMARES!!

[ explosion ]

Announcer: With performances by: Buttwand! Sneaky Priest! DJ Vlade Divac! The Black Wiggers! Eagle-Eye Cherry! And a very special acoustic set… by Mrs. Potato Dick!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: Word! And you KNOW we got some Crunk-Ass fun for the LITTLE ninjas!

Lil’ Blaster: Like an Easter egg hunt, for all you dumb-ass kids!

DJ Supersoak: Oh, and this year — the eggs are SCRAMBLED, yo!

Announcer: Grab a handful!!

DJ Supersoak: Crunk-Ass Easter is ALSO about giving back! Here to tell you more, is MC George Castanza!

[ cut to MC George Castanza ]

MC George Castanza: Yo! We got a NEW charity, called…

Announcer: GROSS ASS CRAP FOR ORPHANS!!

MC George Castanza: We gonna send ’em stuff that no one else is sendin’ ’em! Yeah! So bring us your busted-ass Nordic tracks — yeah! — your new and lightly-used condoms — yeah, yeah! — your unactivated Starbucks gift cards, and we’ll give you a free:

Announcer: KICK IN THE DICK!!

Lil’ Blaster: Plus! WE got some fresh-ass special guests!

DJ Supersoak: New York Times crossword guru Will Shortz! The female Gremlin!

Lil’ Blaster: Stand-up comedy from the Menendez Brothers!

DJ Supersoak: And the entire 1993 Mivhigan Basketball Team! Except the best five and the next best five.

Announcer: [ over mostly blacked-out team photo ] WE GOT THE WHITE GUYS!!

DJ Supersoak: Word! And, since this is Easter, we FINALLY gonna give a proper burial to our deceased friend Ass Dan!

[ cut to Ass Dan waving his arms ]

Ass Dan: Yeaaaaaaahhhh!! Check the tomb on the third gate, BITCH!! You KNOW I’m gonna live for —

[ freeze-frame, with SUPER: “Ass Dan, 1981-2011” ]

Lil’ Blaster: There’s gonna be MAD crunkin’, y’all!

DJ Supersoak: See “60 Minutes”, performed LIVE! And, yo, you’d BEST avoid the Noid! Because he’s got a SHOTGUN full of HORSE SHIT!!

Lil’ Blaster: Then say Hello to honorary guests, the Chilean Miners! Before we send them…

Together: BACK!! INTO!! THE MINE!!

Announcer: NO SE GUSTAN!!

[ explosion ]

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: And no DOUBT I’ll be hanging at the Dunk Tank, with DJ Stank Skunk!

[ cut to DJ Stink Skunk ]

DJ Stink Skunk: Ohhhhhhh, yeah, BITCHES!! Five dollars gets you THREE tosses and a chance to dunk this year’s special guest:

Announcer: ELIAN GONZALEZ!!

[ DJ Stink Skunk laughs maniacally ]

DJ Supersoak: WORD!! And make sure you check out our IMAX screening of “Juwanna Mann”!

Lil’ Blaster: Yo! That She’s a He!

DJ Supersoak: Come swim in the toilet from “Slumdog Millionaire”!

Lil’ Blaster: See a live sex show from the Green M&M!

DJ Supersoak: And you KNOW we got methed-out coyotes running ALL OVER THIS BITCH!!

Lil’ Blaster: Crunk-Ass Easter! And it all takes place — where else?

Together: THE STREETS!! OF!! LIBYA!!

[ explosion ]

Announcer: See you ninjas there!!

[ fade ]

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