Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 19
Fox and Friends
Steve Doocy…..Taran Killam
Gretchen Carlson…..Vanessa Bayer
Brian Kilmeade…..Bobby Moynihan
Fact Checker…..Fred Armisen
Sandy Blunt…..Helen Mirren
[ open on FOX graphics ]
Announcer: You’re watching “Fox and Friends” — Coffee, smiles, fear and terror!
[ dissolve to set ]
Steve Doocy: Welcome back to the third hour of “Fox and Friends”! I’m Steve Doocy. With me, as always, is Gretchen Carlson and Brian Kilmeade!
Gretchen Carlson: Morning!
Brian Kilmeade: Happy Monday!
Steve Doocy: Well, we ALMOST had a government shutdown!
Gretchen Carlson: Ohhhh, that was CLOSE! [ she laughs ]
Brian Kilmeade: WOW!
Steve Doocy: Late Friday night, John Boehner rescued a budget plan, which meant NO government workers would be sent home.
Gretchen Carlson: I’ll tell you who I would send home —
Steve Doocy: Oh, don’t say it, Gretchen…
Gretchen Carlson: No, no, no! President… Obama!
Steve Doocy: Oh, here she goes!
Gretchen Carlson: No! I’m sorry, but he is NOT… a leader. He needs to take… a time-out.
Brian Kilmeade: I mean, we almost had the FIRST government shutdown in the HISTORY of this country!
Gretchen Carlson: Is that — is that true?
Brian Kilmeade: Oh, I just assumed.
Steve Doocy: Our — well, how about we DON’T assume? Let’s ask our fact checker! Lou?
[ cut to the off-camera area, where a war veteran checks a few sheets of papers, then salutes the anchors ]
Gretchen Carlson: Our fact checker Lou, always keeping us honest! [ she laughs ]
Steve Doocy: So the government ISN’T shut down, but here’s a program I WOULDN’T mind seeing shut down — Michelle Obama’s anti-childhoood obesity task force!
Gretchen Carlson: Ohhhh, thank you! Okay, FIRST of all — when I hear “task force”, I get scared!
Brian Kilmeade: What? Uh-huh!
Steve Doocy: If kids hear there’s a TASK FORCE at school, maybe they stay home SICK!!
Brian Kilmeade: Kids scare easy. I remember when I was in high school, I heard a rumor that our janitor was a serial killer! And I was so scared, I stayed home sick for an entire MONTH! I missed out on a LOT of vocab — [ sadly ] I still don’t know what “eclectic” means.
Steve Doocy: And, also, maybe this is just me — but what’s so wrong with a few FAT KIDS in school?
Gretchen Carlson: THANK YOU for saying that! Okay, I LOVE fatties!! Alright? They’re FUNNY!!
Brian Kilmeade: They are funny, they are so eclectic!
Steve Doocy: Hey, absolutely! Here’s a scary question: When there are NO fat kids, who’s gonna play the comic relief in Disney movies?
Gretchen Carlson: Yeah, you know what? I will tell you who!
Brian Kilmeade: Uh-oh!
Steve Doocy: Uh-oh! Be careful, Gretchen!
Gretchen Carlson: No, no! Mexicans!
Steve Doocy: Look out!
Gretchen Carlson: No, no, no — it’s true! When American kids get too skinny, chubby Mexicans will take American acting jobs! Okay? Just look at the kid on “Modern Family”!
Steve Doocy: Who is great! He’s great!
Gretchen Carlson: But, but maybe soon… it won’t be the eagle on the American flag… it will be the… [ thinking ] What’s a Mexican bird?
Brian Kilmeade: A burrito.
Gretchen Carlson: That’s not a bird.
Brian Kilmeade: Ah — yeah! [ he chuckles ] A chicken burrito!
Steve Doocy: Well! Scary stuff! Joining us now, she’s the President of the Eagle Coalition Fireworks Emporium in Yuma, Arizona. Please welcome… Sandy Blunt!
[ cut to Sandy Blunt, Border War Expert, on satellite ]
Sandy Blunt: Proud to be here. Proud to be an American.
Brian Kilmeade: So what’s new on the border war, Sandy?
Sandy Blunt: Well, you know… we all know about the dangers of anchor babies.
Gretchen Carlson: Anchor babies, of course, being illegal immigrants coming to America, who have their babies on our soil, making them U.S. citizens.
Brian Kilmeade: Oh!
Steve Doocy: SO scary!
Brian Kilmeade: So scary…
Sandy Blunt: Well… now there is a NEW threat on our doorsteps: Mexicans are kidnapping pregnant American women, and taking them to Mexico! Then… when the women give birth… their beautiful babies… will be… I’m sorry! Mexicans!
Brian Kilmeade: [ blinking ] So you’re saying…?
Sandy Blunt: REVERSE ANCHOR BABIES!! Undercover Mexicans in America! You know — known as A-Merx-icans!
Steve Doocy: Aye carumba!
Brian Kilmeade: Wow. Thanks, Sandy. Scary stuff… scary stuff.
Steve Doocy: Now, there’s been a lot of talk aout BIRTH CERTIFICATES recently, so I thought it would be fun, you know, to all bring in OUR birth certificates, just to show how easy it is?
Gretchen Carlson: Yeah! Yeah!
Steve Doocy: Here’s mine! [ he holds it up ]
Gretchen Carlson: Here’s mine! [ she holds it up ]
Brian Kilmeade: And here’s mine. [ he holds up a Dave and Buster’s gift certificate ]
Steve Doocy: I’m, uh — I’m not sure that’s it, Brian!
Brian Kilmeade: But it has my name on it.
Gretchen Carlson: Uh — it’s from Dave and Buster’s!
Brian Kilmeade: Mmm… but I got it on my birthday, so it counts!
Steve Doocy: Alright, let’s take another quick break. But, first, our fact checkers have finished combing over the first two hours of the show, and have a few corrections.
[ a list of corrections SCROLL upward quickly, reading:
“President Barack Obamas middle name is not ‘Danger’.
First Lady Michelle Obama was born in Illinois, to human parents.
‘The first trimester’ refers to a stage of pregnancy. It is not a Tom Clancy novel.
Libya is a country in Africa. It is not part of Saudi Arabia.
Singer Rebecca Black’s song ‘Friday’ refers to a day of the week. Not the Chris Tucker movie.
The American flag does not have an eagle on it. Nor is President Ronald Reagans picture on it.
Hawaii is part of America. Hawaiians are not of Arabic descent.
Lil Wayne is a popular hip hop artist. He has never toured with Wayne Newton. Nor does Wayne Newton have a dwarf brother.
Apples are not vegetables. They are also not grown in Kenya.
Most scallops are edible and safe when cooked.
‘Jai Lai’ is a sport played in Florida. It is not known if the activity is preferred by Mexican drug cartels.
Bruno Mars is an American pop singer. He lives on Earth. He has never been indicted or convicted of organ trafficking.
Green is a color.
Moamar Quaddaffi is President of the country of Libya. He has never driven a taxi for a living.
Ronald Reagan did not create the lottery. Nor did he invent casual Fridays.
Jane Fonda lives in America. She has never been photographed with Osama Bin Laden.
There is no, nor are there any plans for, a ‘Six Flags Baghdad.’
The Federal Food Stamp program was not created by Karl Marx.
Egypt has never had a mummy President.
Your sexuality is not determined by your blood type. Nor is it determined by your enthusiasm about the songs of Lionel Ritchie.
It is not possible to catch AIDS by having a beard.
The state of Massachusetts has never mandated that Mohammed be put next to Jesus in Christmas nativity scenes.
The sun is not made of ‘hot gravy’. It is actually made up of several gasses.
Cell phones do not cause Chlamydia.
Filmmaker Michael Moore has never shut down the Macys Thanksgiving parade.
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas never fought in World War II. Nor was he ever given the ‘Congressional Medal of Truth.’ There is no such medal as the ‘Congressional Medal of Truth.’
A baby can only be created by sperm and an egg. A homosexual cannot create a baby using trickery and the Internet.
Americans landed on the moon in 1969. This was part of the NASA space program and not to ‘get away from hippies.’
No one has ever eaten a pizza with their butt.
Former President Bill Clinton had nothing to do with the Rebecca Black video “Friday.'” ]
Brian Kilmeade: See you after this quick break!
[ dissolve to FOX graphics ]
[ fade ]