SNL Transcripts: Helen Mirren: 04/09/11: Mort Mort Feingold: Accountant for the Stars



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 19




















10s: Helen Mirren / Foo Fighters

Mort Mort Feingold: Accountant for the Stars

Mort Mort Feingold…..Andy Samberg
James Franco…..Paul Brittain
Kourtney Kardashian…..Vanessa Bayer
Khloe Kardashian…..Abby Elliott
Kim Kardashian…..Nasim Pedrad
Ricky Martin…..Taran Killam
Will Smith…..Jay Pharoah
Helena Bonham Carter…..Helen Mirren
Tim Burton…..Bill Hader
Johnny Depp…..Paul Brittain
Muammer Gaddafi…..Fred Armisen

[ open on title card ]

Jingle: “Mort Mort Feingold, Celebrity Accountant, doing taxes for the stars!”

Mort Mort Feingold: [ in circle ] That’s me!

[ dissolve to Feingold’s office door ]

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk swamped with stacks of tax papers ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay, James Franco! I see you left “Occupation” blank.

[ reveal a grinning, squinty-eyed James Franco ]

James Franco: Yeah! Well, uh, I didn’t know which JOB to put down! I’m a film maker, I’m a conceptual artist, matador, sniper, cobbler’s apprentice —

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay, okay! I’ll put down “Actor”. Any write-offs?

James Franco: I had some, uh, “expenses” from when I hosted the Oscars.

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay, I guess I’ll just tax those off to your Verizon bill — ’cause you PHONED IT IN!!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “His rates are fair! IRS beware! He’s Mort Mort Feingold, accountant for the stars!”

[ dissolve to Feingold ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Welcome, Kardashians!

[ reveal posing Kardashian sisters ]

Kardashian Sisters: [ whiny-nasally ] Hiiiiiiiiiiii!!!

Kim Kardashian: This is taxes!

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay. Any activity in the last fiscal quarter?

Kim Kardashian: Yeah. We gave Khloe her own show.

Mort Mort Feingold: Mmm. Okay, well, we can write that off as “Charity”!

Kourtney Kardashian: [ handing over a sheet of paper ] Here’s our income statement.

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay, let’s see. For letting them film you hang out and walk around on your fun little shows, you made… [ he glasses fly off ] EGG SALAD!! $65 million?! The Kardashians are IN THE BLACK!!

Khloe Kardashian: Ususally, it’s the other way around.

Mort Mort Feingold: [ to the camera ] I walked into THAT one!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “He’s a real catch, gonna save you some scratch! He’s Mort Mort Feingold, accountant for the stars!”

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Ricky Martin! I see you made a lot of money on your memoir.

[ reveal a smiling Ricky Martin ]

Ricky Martin: Yes! In it… I revealed I was a gay man!

Mort Mort Feingold: En, yeah, yeah. What was it called, “Ricky Martin for Dummies”?

Ricky Martin: You know, Mort Mort, a lot of people were surprised to find out I was gay!

Mort Mort Feingold: Oh, yeah? Well, here’s another bombshell: [ to the camera ] I’M JEWISH!!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “He’ll set up your trust fund! He’s got a few bunions! Mort Mort Feingold loves liver and onions!”

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Welcome, Will Smith!

[ reveal a grunting Will Smith ]

Will Smith: You know I LOVE you, Mort Mort! You are one-foot tall with a two-foot brain! Whoo!

Mort Mort Feingold: Uh-huh. So I see you put down your kids, Jaden and Willow, as your dependents?

Shaun White: Izzay, no — I’m THEIR depedendent! The Smith genes are cranking out their heads! You should get your daughter to be a pop star!

Mort Mort Feingold: Yeah, I’ll try. [ holding up framed photo ] But she looks like THIS!!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “He’s not a cheato! That’s his credo! Mort Mort Feingold is friends with DeVito!”

[ reveal photo of Danny DeVito with an extra-tiny Mort Mort Feingold ]

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay! Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton!

Tim Burton: Good evening.

Mort Mort Feingold: It’s ten a.m.!

Helena Bonham Carter: We live in eternal night.

Mort Mort Feingold: Alright, well, I live in Schenectady. So… [ he glances at his paperwork ] Uh, your return looks pretty good.

Helena Bonham Carter: I watch my expenses carefully. hat’s why I keep my eyes open all the time.

Mort Mort Feingold: Yes. I’ve noticed. Do you have your receipts?

Tim Burton: [ passing origami across the desk ] I made them into a dream spider.

Mort Mort Feingold: What am I gonna do with this?! And why is Johnny Depp here?!

Johnny Depp: [ rising ] Uh — my watch got caught in Helena’s hair.

Mort Mort Feingold: Lox and bagels!! What a bunch of WEIRDOS!!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “He’ll save you the big bucks! He’s got acid reflux! He’s Mort Mort Feingold, accountant for the stars!”

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Muammer Gaddafi!

[ reveal a stern-faced Muammer Gaddafi ]

Muammer Gaddafi: Hello, Mort Mort.

Mort Mort Feingold: Get out of my office!! You’re a ruthless dictator, you murdered your own people, and you’re an anti-Semite!

Muammer Gaddafi: I have an IMMENSE oil fortune. I can give you a commission of TEN per cent.

Mort Mort Feingold: NO! I don’t want your filthy blood money!

Muammer Gaddafi: [ without blinking ] Eleven per cent.

Mort Mort Feingold: [ holds his breath for a few beats, then: ] I’ll think about it!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “Mort Mort Feingold!”

[ fade ]

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