SNL Transcripts: Helen Mirren: 04/09/11: Perspectives Photo Studios

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 19

10s: Helen Mirren / Foo Fighters

Perspectives Photo Studios

Rhonda…..Kristen Wiig
Friend…..Nasim Pedrad
Spokesman…..Jason Sudeikis
Customer…..Taran Killam
Customer #2…..Paul Brittain
Model…..Bobby Moynihan
Curt Ponzovski…..Bill Hader
…..Seth Meyers

[ open on two women at lunch, as Rhonda frowns at her cell phone ]

Friend: Rhonda, what’s the matter?

Rhonda: Remember that guy I met at the bar last week?

Friend: Yeah.

Rhonda: Well, he just sent me a picture of his penis… it’s disappointing.

Friend: [ looking ] That’s it? Pass the magnifying glass.

[ cut to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: When you send someone a picture of your penis, you want it to look as impressive as possible. And now it can, thanks to Perspectives Photo Studios!

[ cut to clip of Spokesman taking cell phone photos of a customer’s pixellated genitals ]

Spokesman: At Perspectives, we use a series of cutting-edge photographic techniques to give your male member the perfect close-up.

[ Spokesman and Customer look over the photos that were taken ]

Customer: That’s the one! That’s great!

Spokesman: Right there. That’s good.

[ return to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: First, we ENHANCE the size of your penis, by putting it next to smaller objects like this “regular” sized banana.

[ close-up of miniature banana next to Spokesman’s finger ]

[ full shot of Spokesman holding up the banana and giving a mischievious wink ]

[ reveal clips from a photo shoot using the tiny banana technique ]

Spokesman: You got a weird, skinny one? Well, it might not look as skinny next to this… [ holds up tiny object ] soda can! Cheers to that!

[ return to Rhonda’s friend looking at cell phone photo ]

Friend: Oh, my God, is that the Statue of Liberty? [ she holds out the cell phone ]

Rhonda: Welcome to America!

[ return to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: Then, we employ other techniques. Such as: Clever Angles.

[ show on ground looking up ]

Spokesman: Temperature Control.

[ Spokesman holds hair dryer to customer’s genitals ]

Spokesman: Partial Arousal.

[ Spokesman tickles customer with a long feather ]

Customer: Single man operation?

Spokesman: Yeah, it’s just me… I-I have a gal that works the desk, but that’s more just eye candy.

[ return to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: Puppet Legs.

[ Spokesman takes pixellated photo of customer with fake puppet legs dangling from the sides of his genitals ]

Spokesman: And, of course, if all else fails, there’s always… Using Another Dude’s Wang.

[ Model steps in to offer his genitals for Customer #2’s photo ]

Model: BOOM!!

Spokesman: We also do Action Shots.

[ Customer #2 performs a jump-kick and a jumping jack as his photo is taken ]

Spokesman: Group Shots.

[ Customer poses next to woman and children with his genitals exposed ]

Spokesman: And some fun Candid Shots, to show you have a sense of humor!

[ Customer holds a pair of Groucho glasses above his pixellated genitals ]

Spokesman: Still not convinced? Well, just ask these creeps:

[ cut to Curt Ponzovski, “The Ponz” ]

Curt Ponzovski: I met this girl, and we’d already been on zero dates, so I decided to send her a picture of my penis. At Perspectives, they put a golf pencil next to it, so it looked WAY bigger! [ he laughs sadistically ] You could tell the police were impressed!

[ cut to Seth Meyers, “America’s Comedian” ]

Seth Meyers: Hi! I’m the real Seth Meyers. You know, when I’m not laying down the laughs on “Weekend Update”, I’m shootin’ off pics of my peen to every lady in my phone book. [ he turns sideways as a photo is snapped ] You’re welcome, Martha Stewart.

[ cut to Spokesman in office, surrounded by framed pixellated photos ]

Spokesman: Come down to Perspectives Photo Studios today!

[ cut to final jump-pose by Customer, with logo ]

Jingle: “Perspectives Photo Studios.”

[ fade ]

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