Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 19
10s: Helen Mirren / Foo Fighters
Perspectives Photo Studios
Rhonda…..Kristen Wiig
Friend…..Nasim Pedrad
Spokesman…..Jason Sudeikis
Customer…..Taran Killam
Customer #2…..Paul Brittain
Model…..Bobby Moynihan
Curt Ponzovski…..Bill Hader
…..Seth Meyers
[ open on two women at lunch, as Rhonda frowns at her cell phone ]
Friend: Rhonda, what’s the matter?
Rhonda: Remember that guy I met at the bar last week?
Friend: Yeah.
Rhonda: Well, he just sent me a picture of his penis… it’s disappointing.
Friend: [ looking ] That’s it? Pass the magnifying glass.
[ cut to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: When you send someone a picture of your penis, you want it to look as impressive as possible. And now it can, thanks to Perspectives Photo Studios!
[ cut to clip of Spokesman taking cell phone photos of a customer’s pixellated genitals ]
Spokesman: At Perspectives, we use a series of cutting-edge photographic techniques to give your male member the perfect close-up.
[ Spokesman and Customer look over the photos that were taken ]
Customer: That’s the one! That’s great!
Spokesman: Right there. That’s good.
[ return to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: First, we ENHANCE the size of your penis, by putting it next to smaller objects like this “regular” sized banana.
[ close-up of miniature banana next to Spokesman’s finger ]
[ full shot of Spokesman holding up the banana and giving a mischievious wink ]
[ reveal clips from a photo shoot using the tiny banana technique ]
Spokesman: You got a weird, skinny one? Well, it might not look as skinny next to this… [ holds up tiny object ] soda can! Cheers to that!
[ return to Rhonda’s friend looking at cell phone photo ]
Friend: Oh, my God, is that the Statue of Liberty? [ she holds out the cell phone ]
Rhonda: Welcome to America!
[ return to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: Then, we employ other techniques. Such as: Clever Angles.
[ show on ground looking up ]
Spokesman: Temperature Control.
[ Spokesman holds hair dryer to customer’s genitals ]
Spokesman: Partial Arousal.
[ Spokesman tickles customer with a long feather ]
Customer: Single man operation?
Spokesman: Yeah, it’s just me… I-I have a gal that works the desk, but that’s more just eye candy.
[ return to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: Puppet Legs.
[ Spokesman takes pixellated photo of customer with fake puppet legs dangling from the sides of his genitals ]
Spokesman: And, of course, if all else fails, there’s always… Using Another Dude’s Wang.
[ Model steps in to offer his genitals for Customer #2’s photo ]
Model: BOOM!!
Spokesman: We also do Action Shots.
[ Customer #2 performs a jump-kick and a jumping jack as his photo is taken ]
Spokesman: Group Shots.
[ Customer poses next to woman and children with his genitals exposed ]
Spokesman: And some fun Candid Shots, to show you have a sense of humor!
[ Customer holds a pair of Groucho glasses above his pixellated genitals ]
Spokesman: Still not convinced? Well, just ask these creeps:
[ cut to Curt Ponzovski, “The Ponz” ]
Curt Ponzovski: I met this girl, and we’d already been on zero dates, so I decided to send her a picture of my penis. At Perspectives, they put a golf pencil next to it, so it looked WAY bigger! [ he laughs sadistically ] You could tell the police were impressed!
[ cut to Seth Meyers, “America’s Comedian” ]
Seth Meyers: Hi! I’m the real Seth Meyers. You know, when I’m not laying down the laughs on “Weekend Update”, I’m shootin’ off pics of my peen to every lady in my phone book. [ he turns sideways as a photo is snapped ] You’re welcome, Martha Stewart.
[ cut to Spokesman in office, surrounded by framed pixellated photos ]
Spokesman: Come down to Perspectives Photo Studios today!
[ cut to final jump-pose by Customer, with logo ]
Jingle: “Perspectives Photo Studios.”
[ fade ]
