SNL Transcripts: Helen Mirren: 04/09/11: Perspectives Photo Studios


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 19

10s: Helen Mirren / Foo Fighters

Perspectives Photo Studios

Rhonda…..Kristen Wiig
Friend…..Nasim Pedrad
Spokesman…..Jason Sudeikis
Customer…..Taran Killam
Customer #2…..Paul Brittain
Model…..Bobby Moynihan
Curt Ponzovski…..Bill Hader
…..Seth Meyers

[ open on two women at lunch, as Rhonda frowns at her cell phone ]

Friend: Rhonda, what’s the matter?

Rhonda: Remember that guy I met at the bar last week?

Friend: Yeah.

Rhonda: Well, he just sent me a picture of his penis… it’s disappointing.

Friend: [ looking ] That’s it? Pass the magnifying glass.

[ cut to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: When you send someone a picture of your penis, you want it to look as impressive as possible. And now it can, thanks to Perspectives Photo Studios!

[ cut to clip of Spokesman taking cell phone photos of a customer’s pixellated genitals ]

Spokesman: At Perspectives, we use a series of cutting-edge photographic techniques to give your male member the perfect close-up.

[ Spokesman and Customer look over the photos that were taken ]

Customer: That’s the one! That’s great!

Spokesman: Right there. That’s good.

[ return to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: First, we ENHANCE the size of your penis, by putting it next to smaller objects like this “regular” sized banana.

[ close-up of miniature banana next to Spokesman’s finger ]

[ full shot of Spokesman holding up the banana and giving a mischievious wink ]

[ reveal clips from a photo shoot using the tiny banana technique ]

Spokesman: You got a weird, skinny one? Well, it might not look as skinny next to this… [ holds up tiny object ] soda can! Cheers to that!

[ return to Rhonda’s friend looking at cell phone photo ]

Friend: Oh, my God, is that the Statue of Liberty? [ she holds out the cell phone ]

Rhonda: Welcome to America!

[ return to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: Then, we employ other techniques. Such as: Clever Angles.

[ show on ground looking up ]

Spokesman: Temperature Control.

[ Spokesman holds hair dryer to customer’s genitals ]

Spokesman: Partial Arousal.

[ Spokesman tickles customer with a long feather ]

Customer: Single man operation?

Spokesman: Yeah, it’s just me… I-I have a gal that works the desk, but that’s more just eye candy.

[ return to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: Puppet Legs.

[ Spokesman takes pixellated photo of customer with fake puppet legs dangling from the sides of his genitals ]

Spokesman: And, of course, if all else fails, there’s always… Using Another Dude’s Wang.

[ Model steps in to offer his genitals for Customer #2’s photo ]

Model: BOOM!!

Spokesman: We also do Action Shots.

[ Customer #2 performs a jump-kick and a jumping jack as his photo is taken ]

Spokesman: Group Shots.

[ Customer poses next to woman and children with his genitals exposed ]

Spokesman: And some fun Candid Shots, to show you have a sense of humor!

[ Customer holds a pair of Groucho glasses above his pixellated genitals ]

Spokesman: Still not convinced? Well, just ask these creeps:

[ cut to Curt Ponzovski, “The Ponz” ]

Curt Ponzovski: I met this girl, and we’d already been on zero dates, so I decided to send her a picture of my penis. At Perspectives, they put a golf pencil next to it, so it looked WAY bigger! [ he laughs sadistically ] You could tell the police were impressed!

[ cut to Seth Meyers, “America’s Comedian” ]

Seth Meyers: Hi! I’m the real Seth Meyers. You know, when I’m not laying down the laughs on “Weekend Update”, I’m shootin’ off pics of my peen to every lady in my phone book. [ he turns sideways as a photo is snapped ] You’re welcome, Martha Stewart.

[ cut to Spokesman in office, surrounded by framed pixellated photos ]

Spokesman: Come down to Perspectives Photo Studios today!

[ cut to final jump-pose by Customer, with logo ]

Jingle: “Perspectives Photo Studios.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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