SNL Transcripts: Helen Mirren: 04/09/11: The Roosevelts


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 19

10s: Helen Mirren / Foo Fighters

The Roosevelts

Franklin Roosevelt…..Bill Hader
Elenour Roosevelt…..Helen Mirren
Joel Surnow…..Fred Armisen
Adolph Hitler…..Taran Killam
Aide…..Bobby Moynihan
Marilyn Monroe…..Abby Elliott
Wellesley Van Aarden…..Paul Brittain
Teddy Roosevelt…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on Reelz graphics ]

Announcer: This week, Reelz Channel debuted the acclaimed eight-part movie event, “The Kennedys”, a series critics called “Rife with Historical Inaccuracy”, “Complete Fiction”, and “Sucky”. And next week, we take down another Democratic dynasty with… “The Roosevelts”. Learn ALL of FDR’s dirty secrets:

[ cut to Franklin Roosevelt standing next to a wheelchair ]

Franklin Roosevelt: Elenour? What is this?

Elenour Roosevelt: It’s a wheelchair.

Franklin Roosevelt: What’s it for?

Elenour Roosevelt: It’s going to get you elected President. Now, SIT DOWN and ACT SICK!

Announcer: From the creator of “24” and the producer of “The Kennedys”, Joel Surnow, comes a story SO shocking… it HAS to be true.

[ cut to Franklin Roosevelt ]

Franklin Roosevelt: Elenour? Who is this man?

Elenour Roosevelt: He’s Adolph Hitler! And he’s going to START the war that’s going to make YOU a hero!

Adolph Hitler: But, Elenour, I TOLD you — all I vant to do is PAINT!

Elenour Roosevelt: You’ll do EXACTLY as I say! [ she slaps Hitler across the face ]

[ cut to Joel Surnow ]

Joel Surnow: You know, did I take liberties? Sure! But it’s TV — you GOTS to! Besides, we had a historian on the set!

[ cut to Wellesley Van Aarden, U.S. Hisorian ]

Wellesley Van Aarden: Yes. I was on the set, but mostly as an object of ridicule and derision. Often, the producers would yell, “Hey, History Guy! Think fast!” And then throw a cup of ice at me. I did NOT enjoy my time on this project.

Announcer: Finally… a movie that dares to show you the steamy sexual intrigue of the Roosevelt White House.

[ cut to Franklin Roosevelt seated next to Elenour and ]

Aide: Mr. President. There’s a “Norma Jean” here to see you.

Franklin Roosevelt: Send her in!

[ Marilyn Monroe enters ]

Marilyn Monroe: [ singing ] “Happy Birthday to you…”

Franklin Roosevelt: It’s not my birthday!

Elenour Roosevelt: But it is mine!

[ Elenour leans in to french-kiss Marilyn Monroe ]

[ cut to Wellesley Van Aarden, U.S. Hisorian ]

Wellesley Van Aarden: Even if Elenour Roosevelt was a lesbian, it’s HIGHLY unlikely she’d have an affair with Marilyn Monroe, who was five at the time.

[ cut to Joel Surnow ]

Joel Surnow: When I heard “lesbian”, you KNOW I had to run with it! And, as for Marilyn, I saw pics of the women Elenour was really friends with… poof! You’re welcome!

Announcer: “The Roosevelts”. 10% Accurate… but 20% Entertaining.

[ cut to Franklin Roosevelt seated next to Elenour ]

Franklin Roosevelt: [ reading a speech ] “Nothing to fear but fear itself…”

Elenour Roosevelt: Now, THAT’S a good line!

Franklin Roosevelt: Speaking of lines, we should do some… cocaine.

[ Elenour smirks, as Teddy Roosevelt enters ]

Teddy Roosevelt: Hello again, family! I have returned!

Together: Teddy Roosevelt!!

Teddy Roosevelt: Yeah!

Elenour Roosevelt: We thought you were dead?

Teddy Roosevelt: Well, that’s what I wanted people to think! So I could be a spy — [ he looks at the camera ] For the Russians! [ he claps his hands and holds them out ]

[ cut to Wellesley Van Aarden, U.S. Hisorian ]

Wellesley Van Aarden: [ shaking his head ] No, I-I-I don’t know why Teddy Roosevelt looked at the camera, or why he was Black! But… it was still better than the scene where Elenour orders the bombing of Pearl Harbor.

[ cut to a naked Elenour Roosevelt on the phone ]

Elenour Roosevelt: Emperor Hirohito? [ seductively ] Tora Tora Tora…!

Announcer: “The Roosevelts”. Only on the Reelz Channel. When evetyone else passes… it shows up on Reelz!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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