SNL Transcripts: Helen Mirren: 04/09/11: The Roosevelts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 19

10s: Helen Mirren / Foo Fighters

The Roosevelts

Franklin Roosevelt…..Bill Hader
Elenour Roosevelt…..Helen Mirren
Joel Surnow…..Fred Armisen
Adolph Hitler…..Taran Killam
Aide…..Bobby Moynihan
Marilyn Monroe…..Abby Elliott
Wellesley Van Aarden…..Paul Brittain
Teddy Roosevelt…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on Reelz graphics ]

Announcer: This week, Reelz Channel debuted the acclaimed eight-part movie event, “The Kennedys”, a series critics called “Rife with Historical Inaccuracy”, “Complete Fiction”, and “Sucky”. And next week, we take down another Democratic dynasty with… “The Roosevelts”. Learn ALL of FDR’s dirty secrets:

[ cut to Franklin Roosevelt standing next to a wheelchair ]

Franklin Roosevelt: Elenour? What is this?

Elenour Roosevelt: It’s a wheelchair.

Franklin Roosevelt: What’s it for?

Elenour Roosevelt: It’s going to get you elected President. Now, SIT DOWN and ACT SICK!

Announcer: From the creator of “24” and the producer of “The Kennedys”, Joel Surnow, comes a story SO shocking… it HAS to be true.

[ cut to Franklin Roosevelt ]

Franklin Roosevelt: Elenour? Who is this man?

Elenour Roosevelt: He’s Adolph Hitler! And he’s going to START the war that’s going to make YOU a hero!

Adolph Hitler: But, Elenour, I TOLD you — all I vant to do is PAINT!

Elenour Roosevelt: You’ll do EXACTLY as I say! [ she slaps Hitler across the face ]

[ cut to Joel Surnow ]

Joel Surnow: You know, did I take liberties? Sure! But it’s TV — you GOTS to! Besides, we had a historian on the set!

[ cut to Wellesley Van Aarden, U.S. Hisorian ]

Wellesley Van Aarden: Yes. I was on the set, but mostly as an object of ridicule and derision. Often, the producers would yell, “Hey, History Guy! Think fast!” And then throw a cup of ice at me. I did NOT enjoy my time on this project.

Announcer: Finally… a movie that dares to show you the steamy sexual intrigue of the Roosevelt White House.

[ cut to Franklin Roosevelt seated next to Elenour and ]

Aide: Mr. President. There’s a “Norma Jean” here to see you.

Franklin Roosevelt: Send her in!

[ Marilyn Monroe enters ]

Marilyn Monroe: [ singing ] “Happy Birthday to you…”

Franklin Roosevelt: It’s not my birthday!

Elenour Roosevelt: But it is mine!

[ Elenour leans in to french-kiss Marilyn Monroe ]

[ cut to Wellesley Van Aarden, U.S. Hisorian ]

Wellesley Van Aarden: Even if Elenour Roosevelt was a lesbian, it’s HIGHLY unlikely she’d have an affair with Marilyn Monroe, who was five at the time.

[ cut to Joel Surnow ]

Joel Surnow: When I heard “lesbian”, you KNOW I had to run with it! And, as for Marilyn, I saw pics of the women Elenour was really friends with… poof! You’re welcome!

Announcer: “The Roosevelts”. 10% Accurate… but 20% Entertaining.

[ cut to Franklin Roosevelt seated next to Elenour ]

Franklin Roosevelt: [ reading a speech ] “Nothing to fear but fear itself…”

Elenour Roosevelt: Now, THAT’S a good line!

Franklin Roosevelt: Speaking of lines, we should do some… cocaine.

[ Elenour smirks, as Teddy Roosevelt enters ]

Teddy Roosevelt: Hello again, family! I have returned!

Together: Teddy Roosevelt!!

Teddy Roosevelt: Yeah!

Elenour Roosevelt: We thought you were dead?

Teddy Roosevelt: Well, that’s what I wanted people to think! So I could be a spy — [ he looks at the camera ] For the Russians! [ he claps his hands and holds them out ]

[ cut to Wellesley Van Aarden, U.S. Hisorian ]

Wellesley Van Aarden: [ shaking his head ] No, I-I-I don’t know why Teddy Roosevelt looked at the camera, or why he was Black! But… it was still better than the scene where Elenour orders the bombing of Pearl Harbor.

[ cut to a naked Elenour Roosevelt on the phone ]

Elenour Roosevelt: Emperor Hirohito? [ seductively ] Tora Tora Tora…!

Announcer: “The Roosevelts”. Only on the Reelz Channel. When evetyone else passes… it shows up on Reelz!

[ fade ]

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