Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 19
10s: Helen Mirren / Foo Fighters
The Roosevelts
Franklin Roosevelt…..Bill Hader
Elenour Roosevelt…..Helen Mirren
Joel Surnow…..Fred Armisen
Adolph Hitler…..Taran Killam
Aide…..Bobby Moynihan
Marilyn Monroe…..Abby Elliott
Wellesley Van Aarden…..Paul Brittain
Teddy Roosevelt…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on Reelz graphics ]
Announcer: This week, Reelz Channel debuted the acclaimed eight-part movie event, “The Kennedys”, a series critics called “Rife with Historical Inaccuracy”, “Complete Fiction”, and “Sucky”. And next week, we take down another Democratic dynasty with… “The Roosevelts”. Learn ALL of FDR’s dirty secrets:
[ cut to Franklin Roosevelt standing next to a wheelchair ]
Franklin Roosevelt: Elenour? What is this?
Elenour Roosevelt: It’s a wheelchair.
Franklin Roosevelt: What’s it for?
Elenour Roosevelt: It’s going to get you elected President. Now, SIT DOWN and ACT SICK!
Announcer: From the creator of “24” and the producer of “The Kennedys”, Joel Surnow, comes a story SO shocking… it HAS to be true.
[ cut to Franklin Roosevelt ]
Franklin Roosevelt: Elenour? Who is this man?
Elenour Roosevelt: He’s Adolph Hitler! And he’s going to START the war that’s going to make YOU a hero!
Adolph Hitler: But, Elenour, I TOLD you — all I vant to do is PAINT!
Elenour Roosevelt: You’ll do EXACTLY as I say! [ she slaps Hitler across the face ]
[ cut to Joel Surnow ]
Joel Surnow: You know, did I take liberties? Sure! But it’s TV — you GOTS to! Besides, we had a historian on the set!
[ cut to Wellesley Van Aarden, U.S. Hisorian ]
Wellesley Van Aarden: Yes. I was on the set, but mostly as an object of ridicule and derision. Often, the producers would yell, “Hey, History Guy! Think fast!” And then throw a cup of ice at me. I did NOT enjoy my time on this project.
Announcer: Finally… a movie that dares to show you the steamy sexual intrigue of the Roosevelt White House.
[ cut to Franklin Roosevelt seated next to Elenour and ]
Aide: Mr. President. There’s a “Norma Jean” here to see you.
Franklin Roosevelt: Send her in!
[ Marilyn Monroe enters ]
Marilyn Monroe: [ singing ] “Happy Birthday to you…”
Franklin Roosevelt: It’s not my birthday!
Elenour Roosevelt: But it is mine!
[ Elenour leans in to french-kiss Marilyn Monroe ]
[ cut to Wellesley Van Aarden, U.S. Hisorian ]
Wellesley Van Aarden: Even if Elenour Roosevelt was a lesbian, it’s HIGHLY unlikely she’d have an affair with Marilyn Monroe, who was five at the time.
[ cut to Joel Surnow ]
Joel Surnow: When I heard “lesbian”, you KNOW I had to run with it! And, as for Marilyn, I saw pics of the women Elenour was really friends with… poof! You’re welcome!
Announcer: “The Roosevelts”. 10% Accurate… but 20% Entertaining.
[ cut to Franklin Roosevelt seated next to Elenour ]
Franklin Roosevelt: [ reading a speech ] “Nothing to fear but fear itself…”
Elenour Roosevelt: Now, THAT’S a good line!
Franklin Roosevelt: Speaking of lines, we should do some… cocaine.
[ Elenour smirks, as Teddy Roosevelt enters ]
Teddy Roosevelt: Hello again, family! I have returned!
Together: Teddy Roosevelt!!
Teddy Roosevelt: Yeah!
Elenour Roosevelt: We thought you were dead?
Teddy Roosevelt: Well, that’s what I wanted people to think! So I could be a spy — [ he looks at the camera ] For the Russians! [ he claps his hands and holds them out ]
[ cut to Wellesley Van Aarden, U.S. Hisorian ]
Wellesley Van Aarden: [ shaking his head ] No, I-I-I don’t know why Teddy Roosevelt looked at the camera, or why he was Black! But… it was still better than the scene where Elenour orders the bombing of Pearl Harbor.
[ cut to a naked Elenour Roosevelt on the phone ]
Elenour Roosevelt: Emperor Hirohito? [ seductively ] Tora Tora Tora…!
Announcer: “The Roosevelts”. Only on the Reelz Channel. When evetyone else passes… it shows up on Reelz!
[ fade ]