SNL Transcripts: Helen Mirren: 04/09/11: Mary Shelley


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 19

10s: Helen Mirren / Foo Fighters

Mary Shelley

Mary Shelley…..Helen Mirren
Male Guest #1…..Jason Sudeikis
Male Guest #2…..Bill Hader
Male Guest #3…..Bobby Moynihan
Female Guest…..Kristen Wiig
Frank Stein…..Fred Armisen
Igor…..Paul Brittain

[ open on photo of Mary Shelley ]

Announcer: [ over SCROLL ] Author Mary Shelley was one of the most notable female writers of the Romantic Period. Her greatest triumph came in 1818, when she published her classic novel, “Frankenstein”.”

[ dissolve to Mary Shelley’s apartment ]

[ SUPER: “A Very Dramatic Reenactment” ]

Male Guest #1: A loud huzzah to Mary Shelley, and her new gothic novel “Frankenstein: A Modern Prometheus”!

Guests: Huzzah!! Huzzah!!

Mary Shelley: Thank you all so much, your kind words flatter me.

Male Guest #2: It was a brilliant imagination that crafted the chraracter of The Monster.

Guests: Here, here!!

Male Guest #3: Mary, I say — it looks like you have another guest arriving!

[ a Frankenstein-like man enters the apartment with a toolbox ]

Frank Stein: Hey, how you guys doin’?

Mary Shelley: Oh, no, no. That’s just my landlord. I beg pardon — were we making too much noise?

Frank Stein: No, no. I wanted you you guys, to let you know, uhhhhhh — [ waving his arms frantically ] we’re having soem trouble with the hot water, so I gotta check the pipes.

Male Guest #1: I say, good man, have you read your tenant’s wonderul new book?

Frank Stein: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh — you know, I wasn’t gonna mention the book, you know, but, you know, since you brought it up, you know, I read it and I was kinda curious, you know, how’d you coem up with “The Monster”?

Mary Shelley: Well, while on holiday in Switzerland, I became fascinated with this idea of re-animating dead matter —

Frank Stein: Uh-huh.

Mary Shelley: How science could bring to life what God had sought to kill.

Frank Stein: Yeah. I also think you’re making FUN of me a little! You know?

Mary Shelley: What on earth could you mean?

Frank Stein: Well, Mary, I’m reading the book, you’re describing the Monster and he’s got green skin, you know, he’s got a flat head. I thought, okay, it’s just a coincidence, but, you know, the bolts? Come on, Mary! You know, that’s a clavical base, I got hit by a horse!

Mary Shelley: The Monster is a creature of my imagination, he’s — he’s not based on you, Frank!

Female Guest: [ confused ] I-I-I’m sorry? Your name is “Frank”?

Frank Stein: Frank Stein. Yeah.

Female Guest: Truth be told, Mary, that is a little similar.

Mary Shelley: Frankenstein is the name of the doctor! The Monster is just called… “The Monster”!

Frank Stein: Yeah, but, you know, over time people are just gonna LUMP ’em together, you know? In like a hundred years, people are gonna be like, “Boy, that Frank Stein is a stupid monster!” You know?

[ the guests murmur their agreement ]

Frank Stein: [ waving his arms and growling ] I don’t want to make this a whole thing! Let’s just forget it, I’m gonna go fix the pipes, have your party!

[ Frank Stein wanders off to the side to work on the pipes ]

Male Guest #1: Mary, would you be so kind as to read a passage from the book?

Mary Shelley: Oh! Very well! [ she puts down her tea and picks up the book, as Frank Stein growls in the background ] “I beheld the wretch — the miserable monster whom I had created –”

Frank Stein: Oh, I need a screwdriver!

Mary Shelley: “His jaws were opened, and he muttered some inarticulate sounds –”

[ Frank Stein growls in the background ]

Female Guest: Mary! Your words gave me quite a chill!

Mary Shelley: [ putting her book down ] It is. It is a little cold in here, isn’t it? Why don’t I stoke the stove.

Frank Stein: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey! Absolutely NOT! Fire BAAAAD! Fore BAD, everybody! It gets in the halls, the smoke and everything! Fire bad! It’s a blanket rule!

Male Guest #3: No, we get it… we get it… [ looking up ] Good God!! Who is THAT?!!

[ hump-backed teenager Igor enters the room ]

Igor: Hey, Dad.

Frank Stein: Hey, Igor.

Igor: Mr. Wordsworth says there’s a bird caught in his apartment, and that it’s ALIVE!

[ Frank Stein nods ]

Male Guest #2: Your son’s name is… is Igor?

Frank Stein: Yeah! [ to Mary ] Thank you for that, by the way, that’s uh, that’s really classy. He’s a kid! Nice work.

[ Frank Stein and Igor exit the apartment ]

Male Guest #1: Hmm…

Female Guest: So is the Monster really based on him?

Mary Shelley: Oh, yes! One-hundred percent!

Male Guest #3: And did he actually throw a little girl into a well?

[ Frank Stein re-enters the apartment ]

Frank Stein: No-o!! I accidentally pushed a girl into a birdbath, and she was FINE, by the way!

Mary Shelley: That’s not what I heard!

Frank Stein: Yeah, you know what? You STINK! I hope you NEVER write a famous book again!

[ cut to photo of Mary Shelley ]

Announcer: …and she didn’t.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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