SNL Transcripts: Helen Mirren: 04/09/11: Mary Shelley

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 19

10s: Helen Mirren / Foo Fighters

Mary Shelley

Mary Shelley…..Helen Mirren
Male Guest #1…..Jason Sudeikis
Male Guest #2…..Bill Hader
Male Guest #3…..Bobby Moynihan
Female Guest…..Kristen Wiig
Frank Stein…..Fred Armisen
Igor…..Paul Brittain

[ open on photo of Mary Shelley ]

Announcer: [ over SCROLL ] Author Mary Shelley was one of the most notable female writers of the Romantic Period. Her greatest triumph came in 1818, when she published her classic novel, “Frankenstein”.”

[ dissolve to Mary Shelley’s apartment ]

[ SUPER: “A Very Dramatic Reenactment” ]

Male Guest #1: A loud huzzah to Mary Shelley, and her new gothic novel “Frankenstein: A Modern Prometheus”!

Guests: Huzzah!! Huzzah!!

Mary Shelley: Thank you all so much, your kind words flatter me.

Male Guest #2: It was a brilliant imagination that crafted the chraracter of The Monster.

Guests: Here, here!!

Male Guest #3: Mary, I say — it looks like you have another guest arriving!

[ a Frankenstein-like man enters the apartment with a toolbox ]

Frank Stein: Hey, how you guys doin’?

Mary Shelley: Oh, no, no. That’s just my landlord. I beg pardon — were we making too much noise?

Frank Stein: No, no. I wanted you you guys, to let you know, uhhhhhh — [ waving his arms frantically ] we’re having soem trouble with the hot water, so I gotta check the pipes.

Male Guest #1: I say, good man, have you read your tenant’s wonderul new book?

Frank Stein: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh — you know, I wasn’t gonna mention the book, you know, but, you know, since you brought it up, you know, I read it and I was kinda curious, you know, how’d you coem up with “The Monster”?

Mary Shelley: Well, while on holiday in Switzerland, I became fascinated with this idea of re-animating dead matter —

Frank Stein: Uh-huh.

Mary Shelley: How science could bring to life what God had sought to kill.

Frank Stein: Yeah. I also think you’re making FUN of me a little! You know?

Mary Shelley: What on earth could you mean?

Frank Stein: Well, Mary, I’m reading the book, you’re describing the Monster and he’s got green skin, you know, he’s got a flat head. I thought, okay, it’s just a coincidence, but, you know, the bolts? Come on, Mary! You know, that’s a clavical base, I got hit by a horse!

Mary Shelley: The Monster is a creature of my imagination, he’s — he’s not based on you, Frank!

Female Guest: [ confused ] I-I-I’m sorry? Your name is “Frank”?

Frank Stein: Frank Stein. Yeah.

Female Guest: Truth be told, Mary, that is a little similar.

Mary Shelley: Frankenstein is the name of the doctor! The Monster is just called… “The Monster”!

Frank Stein: Yeah, but, you know, over time people are just gonna LUMP ’em together, you know? In like a hundred years, people are gonna be like, “Boy, that Frank Stein is a stupid monster!” You know?

[ the guests murmur their agreement ]

Frank Stein: [ waving his arms and growling ] I don’t want to make this a whole thing! Let’s just forget it, I’m gonna go fix the pipes, have your party!

[ Frank Stein wanders off to the side to work on the pipes ]

Male Guest #1: Mary, would you be so kind as to read a passage from the book?

Mary Shelley: Oh! Very well! [ she puts down her tea and picks up the book, as Frank Stein growls in the background ] “I beheld the wretch — the miserable monster whom I had created –”

Frank Stein: Oh, I need a screwdriver!

Mary Shelley: “His jaws were opened, and he muttered some inarticulate sounds –”

[ Frank Stein growls in the background ]

Female Guest: Mary! Your words gave me quite a chill!

Mary Shelley: [ putting her book down ] It is. It is a little cold in here, isn’t it? Why don’t I stoke the stove.

Frank Stein: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey! Absolutely NOT! Fire BAAAAD! Fore BAD, everybody! It gets in the halls, the smoke and everything! Fire bad! It’s a blanket rule!

Male Guest #3: No, we get it… we get it… [ looking up ] Good God!! Who is THAT?!!

[ hump-backed teenager Igor enters the room ]

Igor: Hey, Dad.

Frank Stein: Hey, Igor.

Igor: Mr. Wordsworth says there’s a bird caught in his apartment, and that it’s ALIVE!

[ Frank Stein nods ]

Male Guest #2: Your son’s name is… is Igor?

Frank Stein: Yeah! [ to Mary ] Thank you for that, by the way, that’s uh, that’s really classy. He’s a kid! Nice work.

[ Frank Stein and Igor exit the apartment ]

Male Guest #1: Hmm…

Female Guest: So is the Monster really based on him?

Mary Shelley: Oh, yes! One-hundred percent!

Male Guest #3: And did he actually throw a little girl into a well?

[ Frank Stein re-enters the apartment ]

Frank Stein: No-o!! I accidentally pushed a girl into a birdbath, and she was FINE, by the way!

Mary Shelley: That’s not what I heard!

Frank Stein: Yeah, you know what? You STINK! I hope you NEVER write a famous book again!

[ cut to photo of Mary Shelley ]

Announcer: …and she didn’t.

[ fade ]

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