Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 19
Mary Shelley…..Helen Mirren
Male Guest #1…..Jason Sudeikis
Male Guest #2…..Bill Hader
Male Guest #3…..Bobby Moynihan
Female Guest…..Kristen Wiig
Frank Stein…..Fred Armisen
[ open on photo of Mary Shelley ]
Announcer: [ over SCROLL ] Author Mary Shelley was one of the most notable female writers of the Romantic Period. Her greatest triumph came in 1818, when she published her classic novel, “Frankenstein”.”
[ dissolve to Mary Shelley’s apartment ]
[ SUPER: “A Very Dramatic Reenactment” ]
Male Guest #1: A loud huzzah to Mary Shelley, and her new gothic novel “Frankenstein: A Modern Prometheus”!
Guests: Huzzah!! Huzzah!!
Mary Shelley: Thank you all so much, your kind words flatter me.
Male Guest #2: It was a brilliant imagination that crafted the chraracter of The Monster.
Guests: Here, here!!
Male Guest #3: Mary, I say — it looks like you have another guest arriving!
[ a Frankenstein-like man enters the apartment with a toolbox ]
Frank Stein: Hey, how you guys doin’?
Mary Shelley: Oh, no, no. That’s just my landlord. I beg pardon — were we making too much noise?
Frank Stein: No, no. I wanted you you guys, to let you know, uhhhhhh — [ waving his arms frantically ] we’re having soem trouble with the hot water, so I gotta check the pipes.
Male Guest #1: I say, good man, have you read your tenant’s wonderul new book?
Frank Stein: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh — you know, I wasn’t gonna mention the book, you know, but, you know, since you brought it up, you know, I read it and I was kinda curious, you know, how’d you coem up with “The Monster”?
Mary Shelley: Well, while on holiday in Switzerland, I became fascinated with this idea of re-animating dead matter —
Frank Stein: Uh-huh.
Mary Shelley: How science could bring to life what God had sought to kill.
Frank Stein: Yeah. I also think you’re making FUN of me a little! You know?
Mary Shelley: What on earth could you mean?
Frank Stein: Well, Mary, I’m reading the book, you’re describing the Monster and he’s got green skin, you know, he’s got a flat head. I thought, okay, it’s just a coincidence, but, you know, the bolts? Come on, Mary! You know, that’s a clavical base, I got hit by a horse!
Mary Shelley: The Monster is a creature of my imagination, he’s — he’s not based on you, Frank!
Female Guest: [ confused ] I-I-I’m sorry? Your name is “Frank”?
Frank Stein: Frank Stein. Yeah.
Female Guest: Truth be told, Mary, that is a little similar.
Mary Shelley: Frankenstein is the name of the doctor! The Monster is just called… “The Monster”!
Frank Stein: Yeah, but, you know, over time people are just gonna LUMP ’em together, you know? In like a hundred years, people are gonna be like, “Boy, that Frank Stein is a stupid monster!” You know?
[ the guests murmur their agreement ]
Frank Stein: [ waving his arms and growling ] I don’t want to make this a whole thing! Let’s just forget it, I’m gonna go fix the pipes, have your party!
[ Frank Stein wanders off to the side to work on the pipes ]
Male Guest #1: Mary, would you be so kind as to read a passage from the book?
Mary Shelley: Oh! Very well! [ she puts down her tea and picks up the book, as Frank Stein growls in the background ] “I beheld the wretch — the miserable monster whom I had created –”
Frank Stein: Oh, I need a screwdriver!
Mary Shelley: “His jaws were opened, and he muttered some inarticulate sounds –”
[ Frank Stein growls in the background ]
Female Guest: Mary! Your words gave me quite a chill!
Mary Shelley: [ putting her book down ] It is. It is a little cold in here, isn’t it? Why don’t I stoke the stove.
Frank Stein: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey! Absolutely NOT! Fire BAAAAD! Fore BAD, everybody! It gets in the halls, the smoke and everything! Fire bad! It’s a blanket rule!
Male Guest #3: No, we get it… we get it… [ looking up ] Good God!! Who is THAT?!!
[ hump-backed teenager Igor enters the room ]
Igor: Hey, Dad.
Frank Stein: Hey, Igor.
Igor: Mr. Wordsworth says there’s a bird caught in his apartment, and that it’s ALIVE!
[ Frank Stein nods ]
Male Guest #2: Your son’s name is… is Igor?
Frank Stein: Yeah! [ to Mary ] Thank you for that, by the way, that’s uh, that’s really classy. He’s a kid! Nice work.
[ Frank Stein and Igor exit the apartment ]
Male Guest #1: Hmm…
Female Guest: So is the Monster really based on him?
Mary Shelley: Oh, yes! One-hundred percent!
Male Guest #3: And did he actually throw a little girl into a well?
[ Frank Stein re-enters the apartment ]
Frank Stein: No-o!! I accidentally pushed a girl into a birdbath, and she was FINE, by the way!
Mary Shelley: That’s not what I heard!
Frank Stein: Yeah, you know what? You STINK! I hope you NEVER write a famous book again!
[ cut to photo of Mary Shelley ]
Announcer: …and she didn’t.
[ fade ]