SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 05/07/11: Pregnant in Heels

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 20

10t: Tina Fey / Ellie Goulding

Pregnant in Heels

Announcer…..Seth Meyers
Rosie Pope…..Abby Elliott
Shoshanna Bunt…..Tina Fey
Shoshanna’s husband…..Taran Killam
LT…..Jay Pharoah

[open on BRAVO ident, followed by „Pregant In Heels“ titles and establishing shots of New York and Rosie Pope]

Announcer: This week on BRAVO: it’s an all new „Pregnant in Heels“

[Cut to testimonial]

Rosie Pope: Hi! I’m Rosie Pope – Matehnity Conciehge.

[Exterior and interior shots of Rosie Pope’s shop] [Cut to testimonial]

Rosie Pope: I provide mah pregnant clients with anything they wahnt. No matter how extreme.

[Rosie Pope hands a Martini glass to a pregnant woman, then proceeds to hold a miniature Martini glass under her skirt]

Announcer: And she’s got her work cut out for her with millionaire mummy-to-be: Shoshanna Bunt.

Shoshanna Bunt: I’m the president of ‘Shoshanna Bunt PR’, we are a PR firm that represents other PR firms. I love being pregants [sic]! I’ve already lost 35 pounds.

[She applauds herself with false humility] [Cut to interior of Rosie Pope’s shop]

Announcer: Watch Rosie deal with lots of questions.

Shoshanna’s husband: I’m sorry – what’s wrong with your voice?

Rosie Pope: Well, I was born in England, then moved to America and every morning a thousand bees sting my tahngue.

Announcer: And – lots of demands!

Shoshanna Bunt: Rosie, when my baby is born I wanna make sure that the delivery room is, like, total VIP. No randos!

Rosie Pope: Pahfect.

Shoshanna Bunt: No uglies.

Rosie Pope: Pahfect.

Shoshanna Bunt: No fatties.

Rosie Pope: Pahfect.

Shoshanna Bunt: No docties – that’s doctors.

Rosie Pope: Whoa.

Shoshanna Bunt: And I wanna have a water birth, but instead of water I want diet coke.

[Sound of record scratching. Rosie Pope and Shoshanna Bunt exchange tense looks.]

Announcer: And! We have this guy!

[Cut to LT in Rosie’s shop, holding up a tiny shirt with „ASS“ printed on it.] [Cut to testimonial]

LT: I am not a person, as I am a collection of choices.

[Cut to interior of Rosie Pope’s shop]

Shoshanna Bunt: I just found out that babies are born naked, which is disgusting!

Rosie Pope: Yah. I’m way ahead of you.

[She holds up a stick with a tiny stylish hat, tiny tie and tiny waistcoat attached to it]

Rosie Pope: Prop your legs up and I’ll get this outfit to the bahbyh.

[Shoshanna does]

Rosie Pope: Don’t worry. It’s just like building a ship in a bottahl.

[Rosie starts aiming the stick at Shoshanna]

Announcer: Plus: we’ll pad the boring moments with signature BRAVO music.

[Cut to Rosie, Shoshanna and husband exchanging looks for a minute, while BRAVO’s signature music plays.]

Announcer: And cuts to a dog!

[Cut to a dog] [Cut back to Shoshanna, back to the dog, back to Rosie Pope]

Rosie Pope: Pahfect.

[Cut to testimonial]

Shoshanna Bunt: Rosie’s the best. She even got a celebrity to make a personal appearance in my ultrasound.

[Cut to a picture of Shoshanna’s ultrasound with Kanye West next to the fetus] [Cut to exterior of a hospital]

Announcer: Rosies’s even there on the big day!

[Cut to delivery room. Rosie and LT stand by Shoshanna as she gives birth. Rosie lets out a distressed „Whoooaaa“ as the doctor delivers the baby.]

Doctor: It’s a boy!

Shoshanna Bunt: Don’t cut the cord, I might wanna return it.

[Cut to testimonial]

Shoshanna Bunt: [distracted by her ring] Thanks, Rosie!

Rosie Pope: You’re wahlcome!

LT: I did not help at all!

[Cut to ‘Pregnant In Heels’ titles]

Announcer: ‘Pregnant In Heels’! Only on BRAVO! Right after an all new ‘Loud Old Bitches’ and ‘America’s Next Dumb Gay Guy’!

Submitted by: Bon Nitsch

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