Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 20
10t: Tina Fey / Ellie Goulding
Below the Waves
Mermaid Princess…..Tina Fey
Crabby…..Kenan Thompson
Seahorse…..Paul Brittain
Manta Ray…..Fred Armisen
Salmon #1…..Vanessa Bayer
Salmon #2…..Abby Elliott
[ open on underwater vista ]
[ dissolve to sea floor ]
Mermaid Princess: Oh, Crabby! The human world is so amazing! When I went up there, I saw people dancing, seahorse carriages, and look — [ holds up a fork ] I even found a whatchamadoodle! [ she begins to comb her hair with it ]
Crabby: [ chuckling ] Princess, look around you! You have everything you need right here, at the bottom of the ocean!
Mermaid Princess: I don’t know, Crabby…
Crabby: Oh, trust me, girl! The human world is a MESS! But down here, it’s PARADISE!
[ music begins to play ]
Mermaid Princess: What do you mean, Crabby?
Crabby: Well, I’ll TELL you what I mean!
[ singing ]
“Below the waves
Below the waves
We always gather, down with the salmon
Below the waves!”
Take it, Princess!
Mermaid Princess: [ singing ]
“Everyone’s happy and relaxed
We got a seahorse on the sax
Look at that manta, he’s drinking Fanta
Below the waves!”
You know what, Crabby? You’re right — the bottom of the ocean is the PERFECT place to be!
Crabby: That’s the spirit, Princess!
[ singing ]
“All of the dolphins play keyboards
And the shrimp –”
[ suddenly, a dead body wrapped in shrouds falls on Crabby’s head ]
Crabby: Hey! Hey! Hey! What is on me?! Can somebody tell me what’s on me, please?!
Mermaid Princess: It’s some sort of… body wrapped in a — what’s that word again? — shroud.
Crabby: Oh, my God! It’s Osama bin Laden! They threw Osama bin Laden’s body in the OCEAN! [ panicking ] Get him off of me!
Mermaid Princess: Whoa! He’s really dead! This is a lot to process. I don’t even know how to react.
Seahorse: I know how to react. [ chanting ] U! S! A!
[ the Salmon join in ]
Together: U! S! A!
Mermaid Princess: Guys, I find that really distasteful.
Seahorse: But we GOT him!!
Mermaid Princess: You didn’t do anything — and you’re DRUNK!
Seahorse: [ slurring ] Hey, I’m drunk because I’m CELEBRATING!
Mermaid Princess: No… you were already drunk, and you’re using this as an excuse to get drunker.
Seahorse: [ holding a can of beer ] Alright, yeah… you got me!
Crabby: [ still balancing the body on his shoulders ] Can we talk about this after you get him off of me, please?! I mean, this guy CAUSED 9/11!
Manta Ray: Uh — did he?
[ the other sea creatures groan ]
Mermaid Princess: No one wants to hear your conspiracy theories, Manta!
Crabby: You know, I have HAD IT with these humans! They throw down their garbage, their oil spills, and their cruise ships use our home as a toilet!
Salmon #2: So do we…
Salmon #1: I’m going right now!
Mermaid Princess: Besides, Crabby — they probably couldn’t bury him on land because then his supporters would turn his grave into a shrine.
Crabby: SO?! Good! Bury him, and then, when anyone shows up, ARREST THEM! Or just bury him at Gitmo! “Hi, I’m here to see Osama bin Laden’s grave.” “Oh, here he is right over here — welcome to JAIL!!”
Mermaid Princess: Crabby, calm down! You’re turning all red!
Crabby: Well, I’m red because I’m a crab! Look — now get Obama OFF of me! I mean, Osama! Aggghhhh!! I keep doing that!
Manta Ray: It’s just one letter. Pretty weird, right?
[ the other sea creatures groan ]
Crabby: Oh, SHUT UP, Manta!
Mermaid Princess: [ pointing upward ] Look, Crabby! The current is taking his body away! We’ll NEVER have to see him again!
[ Crabby breathes a sigh of relief ]
Manta Ray: Uh — if it was even him.
[ the other sea creatures groan ]
Crabby: Come ON, man!
[ music pots up ]
All: [ singing ]
“Below the waves
Below the waves
We always gather, down with the salmon
Below the waves!”
[ dissolve to underwarer vista ]
[ fade ]
