Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 20
An SNL Digital Short
(Jorma, Andy, and Akiva are in their music studio listening to music)
Intercom: Guys, Michael Bolton is here.
Andy Samberg: Oh, great. Send him in.
(Michael Bolton opens the door and comes in.)
Michael Bolton: Hey guys.
Andy, Jorma, and Akiva: Hey. Thanks for coming.
Michael Bolton: I’m really sorry that I’m late. I just got caught up watching the Pirates of the Caribbean marathon. Have you seen those things?
Andy, Jorma, and Akiva: Yeah.
Andy Samberg: Oh, yeah. Those are great.
Michael Bolton: So, I listened to your track and I loved it, and I wrote you this big sexy hook. I think you’re gonna really dig it.
Andy Samberg: Wow, that’s great. Do you wanna just lay it down?
Michael Bolton: Boys, let’s get to it.
(They go to a club in a sports car and cut the line to get inside)
Andy Samberg: “Here we go. Lonely Island. Michael Bolton.”
Michael Bolton: “Yeah, yeah.”
“The night starts now.
Together on the track, the boys are back.
The night starts now
Night starts now, baby roll with us, chickens snapping at the neck when we rolling up.”
Michael Bolton: “Rolling up!”
Andy Samberg: “Blow through the doors ain’t no holdin’ up .”
Michael Bolton: “Yeah!”
Andy Samberg: “Black card at the bar like I gives a fuck.”
Michael Bolton: “Come on!”
Jorma Taccone: “Ladies shifty eyed when we walk into the set, fuck the fellas looking jealous play the back and get wet.”
Michael Bolton: “Yeah, yeah!”
Jorma Taccone: “Three pound in my waist, shank in my sock, you either get cut, get stuffed or get shot.”
(Michael Bolton is on a beach)
Michael Bolton: “This is the tale of Captain Jack Sparrow, pirate so brave on the seven seas.”
Andy Samberg: What?
Michael Bolton: “A mystical quest to the Isle of Tortuga, Raven locks sway on the ocean’s breeze.”
(return to the club scene)
Yeah that was kinda weird, but we’re back in the clubBuying up the bar so the groupies show us love
Michael Bolton: “Kiera Knightly.”
Akiva Schaffer:Motherfucking ice-man, I’m the top gunnerHeater on blast, I’m the number one stunner
Michael Bolton: “Jack Sparrow.”
“Watch it girl ’cause I ain’t your ‘Mr. Nice Guy’,
More like the ‘meet ya take you home and fuck you twice guy'”
Michael Bolton: “Yeah yeah!”
“All dressed up with nowhere to run,
And now I make you feel crazy, so let’s have fun.”(Michael Bolton jumps up wearing a pirate hat)
Michael Bolton: “Now, back to the good part! (Dressed up as Jack Sparrow on a pirate ship) From the day he was born, he yearned for adventure. Old Captain Jack giving them what for. He’s the pauper of the surf, and the jester of Tortuga. But is Davy Jones’ Locker what lies in store?”
Akiva Schaffer: Yeah, we’ve seen the movie.
Andy Samberg: “Throw your hands in the air and say hell yeah, come on!”
Michael Bolton: “Captain Jack!”
Andy Samberg: What?
Michael Bolton: “Johnny Depp!”
Andy Samberg: No!
Jorma Taccone: “From the front to the back say we count stacks come on.”
Michael Bolton: “Davy Jones!”
Jorma Taccone: Nope.
Michael Bolton: “Giant squid!”
Jorma Taccone: Wrong.
Akiva Schaffer: Michael Bolton, we’re really gonna need you to focus up.
Michael Bolton: “Roger that! Let me try it with another film.”
Andy Samberg: Wait!
Michael Bolton: (as Forrest Gump) “Life is a box of chocolates and my name is Forrest Gump.”
Andy Samberg: Not better.
Michael Bolton: “Though I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, I give Jenny all my love.”
Akiva Schaffer: Come on!
Michael Bolton: (as Erin Brockovich) “Okay, then. I’m a legal aide, and Erin Brockovich is my name.”
Jorma Taccone: Noooo, God!
Michael Bolton: (as Scarface) “Then you can call me Scarface, snortin’ mountains of cocaine.”
Andy Samberg: Close enough!
Michael Bolton: “You cockroaches wanna play rough? Okay, I’m reloaded.”
“This is the tale of Tony Montana
Cubano flame, with the Miami nuts
Got a basehead wife, but her womb is polluted
This whole town’s a pussy; just waiting to get fucked.”
Andy Samberg: Okay, it turns out Michael Bolton is a major cinephile.
Michael Bolton: (as Captain Jack) “You complete me.”
Andy Samberg: Yeah, okay.
Submitted by Adam Rapfogel