SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 05/07/11: Great Women Writers



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 20














10t: Tina Fey / Ellie Goulding

Great Women Writers

Written by
: John Mulaney, Simon Rich, Marika Sawyer

…..Tina Fey
Announcer…..Bill Hader

[ open on Tina Fey standing at Home Base ]

Tina Fey: Hi, everyone. It’s so great to be back in this studio. You know, “SNL” has always had this reputation for being a bit of a Boy’s Club, but in my experience the show has always welcomed and respected women. In fact, to honor me and my new book, the show has put together a tribute to some of my favorite women writers of all time — the ones who have inspired me to pick up a pen when I was a little girl. Let’s take a look.

[ cut to title card over dramatic score ]

Announcer: And now, in honor of Tina Fey, “Saturday Night Live” presents “Great Women Writers Throughout History”.

[ dissolve to back-and-white photo of Jane Austen ]

With her six beloved novels, Jane Austen cemented herself as one of the greatest female writers of all time. She was witty, intelligent, and a true original. But did you know that she was also unattractive? [ zoom in on her bug-eyed face ] It’s true. That’s why she wrote books — not a lot of modeling contracts coming her way. Not a lot of dates, either. I’ll tell you two things keeping dudes away from her: pride… and prejudice. Oh, yeah — two more things: her face and body. Go to hell, Jane Austen!

[ dissolve to title card ]

This has been “Great Women Writers”. Welcome back, Tina!

[ dissolve back to Tina ]

Tina Fey: Okay, very funny, guys. But in ALL seriousness, I just want to say to all the young women watching that it doesn’t matterwhat you look like! What matters is that you work hard and believe in yourself!

[ dramatic score pots up ]

Announcer: And now…

Tina Fey: Wait, no! Stop it!

Announcer: Tina Fey presents…

Tina Fey: No! I do not present this!

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: “More Great Women Writers Throughout History”.

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Virginia Wolff ]

Few in literature have achieved the legacy of Virginia Wolff. [ groaning ] Oh, man… more like Virginia WOOF! She was born in London in 1882, and died not a moment too soon! Books she wrote? “A Room of One’s Own”. [ he chuckles ] Don’t worry, Virginia — you’ll get your own room. I’ll take the one down the hall with a lock on it! Hey, you know who’s afraid of Virgina Wolff? Any homeboy with a pair of eyeballs! Okay, show a bunch of pictures — I’ll just riff.

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Eudora Welty ]

Eudora Welty. That lady don’t write — she WRONG!!

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Betty Friedan ]

Betty Friedan? F me!!

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Agatha Christie ]

And, whoa! Who do we have here? Mystery writer Agatha Christie. Yikes! I’ll tell you whodunit: NOBODY! If somebody did do it, it was the butler in the bedroom with a brown paper bag! [ he laughs ] Oh, whoops! My piss jar’s almost full.

[ dissolve back to to title card ]

Welcome back, Tina!

[ dissolve back to Tina ]

Tina Fey: Thanks. It’s good to be home… you bunch of dicks.

[ she storms off stage ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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