SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 05/07/11: Great Women Writers

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 20

10t: Tina Fey / Ellie Goulding

Great Women Writers

Written by
: John Mulaney, Simon Rich, Marika Sawyer

…..Tina Fey
Announcer…..Bill Hader

[ open on Tina Fey standing at Home Base ]

Tina Fey: Hi, everyone. It’s so great to be back in this studio. You know, “SNL” has always had this reputation for being a bit of a Boy’s Club, but in my experience the show has always welcomed and respected women. In fact, to honor me and my new book, the show has put together a tribute to some of my favorite women writers of all time — the ones who have inspired me to pick up a pen when I was a little girl. Let’s take a look.

[ cut to title card over dramatic score ]

Announcer: And now, in honor of Tina Fey, “Saturday Night Live” presents “Great Women Writers Throughout History”.

[ dissolve to back-and-white photo of Jane Austen ]

With her six beloved novels, Jane Austen cemented herself as one of the greatest female writers of all time. She was witty, intelligent, and a true original. But did you know that she was also unattractive? [ zoom in on her bug-eyed face ] It’s true. That’s why she wrote books — not a lot of modeling contracts coming her way. Not a lot of dates, either. I’ll tell you two things keeping dudes away from her: pride… and prejudice. Oh, yeah — two more things: her face and body. Go to hell, Jane Austen!

[ dissolve to title card ]

This has been “Great Women Writers”. Welcome back, Tina!

[ dissolve back to Tina ]

Tina Fey: Okay, very funny, guys. But in ALL seriousness, I just want to say to all the young women watching that it doesn’t matterwhat you look like! What matters is that you work hard and believe in yourself!

[ dramatic score pots up ]

Announcer: And now…

Tina Fey: Wait, no! Stop it!

Announcer: Tina Fey presents…

Tina Fey: No! I do not present this!

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: “More Great Women Writers Throughout History”.

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Virginia Wolff ]

Few in literature have achieved the legacy of Virginia Wolff. [ groaning ] Oh, man… more like Virginia WOOF! She was born in London in 1882, and died not a moment too soon! Books she wrote? “A Room of One’s Own”. [ he chuckles ] Don’t worry, Virginia — you’ll get your own room. I’ll take the one down the hall with a lock on it! Hey, you know who’s afraid of Virgina Wolff? Any homeboy with a pair of eyeballs! Okay, show a bunch of pictures — I’ll just riff.

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Eudora Welty ]

Eudora Welty. That lady don’t write — she WRONG!!

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Betty Friedan ]

Betty Friedan? F me!!

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Agatha Christie ]

And, whoa! Who do we have here? Mystery writer Agatha Christie. Yikes! I’ll tell you whodunit: NOBODY! If somebody did do it, it was the butler in the bedroom with a brown paper bag! [ he laughs ] Oh, whoops! My piss jar’s almost full.

[ dissolve back to to title card ]

Welcome back, Tina!

[ dissolve back to Tina ]

Tina Fey: Thanks. It’s good to be home… you bunch of dicks.

[ she storms off stage ] [ fade ]

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