Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 21
Song Memories
Ed…..Ed Helms
Bill…..Bill Hader
Andy…..Andy Samberg
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Scientist…..Paul Brittain
[ open on poker table in the basement, as three buddies hang out together ]
Ed: Oh, it’s so great seeing you guys!
Bill: We’ve talked about this forever.
Andy: Yeah, I’m glad we finally got our schedules together.
[ Jason returns with bottles of beer ]
Jason: Alright, here’s some brews to make up for the money I just won off you suckers.
Bill: I hope it won’t disturb anyone upstairs if I put on some tunes, will it?
Jason: No, no. They won’t mind. Go ahead. Let loose.
[ Bill points the remote at the stereo and pots up Cat Stevens’ “Wild World” ]
Jason: Oh! Great song!
Andy: Classic!
Jason: Classic, yeah!
[ they all sing along with the opening “La la la la la…” line ]
Jason: You know, uh — I think this was the first song I ever learned on guitar. Yeah, my grandpa taught me how to play it.
Andy: Oh, yeah?
Jason: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, music was a real bond between us, you know? He bought me my first turntable, and he gave me his ENTIRE record collection after he passed away. I got a lot of great memories of just sitting around listening to albums with him. I miss him.
Bill: He’s always, always, always, always with you, man.
Jason: No, no… [ he lifts a cup ] I know. Especially since I carry his ashes around with me in this Jamba Juice cup. [ he slams the cup on the table and lets some of the ashes fly ]
All: [ singing ] “Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
It’s hard to get by, just upon a smile!”
Andy: [ pointing to the cup ] Why is there a straw in there?
Jason: ‘Cause, uh — so he can breathe.
All: [ singing ] “Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
Ah!
I’ll always remember you, just like a child, gi-i-i-irl.”
Bill: You know what this song reminds me of? My dad.
Jason: Ah!
Bill: Oh, yeah. We’ve always had our ups and downs. He’s certainly no angel, but… he’s my dad, you know?
Ed: Aren’t you guys estranged?
Bill: Yeah. We haven’t seen each other in years. I feel terrible about it. It’s only recently I found out where he was living.
Jason: Oh, yeah? Did you call him?
Bill: I tried, but, by the time I found his number, several Navy seals had killed him and thrown his body in the ocean.
All: [ singing ] “Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
It’s hard to get by, just upon a smile!”
Bill: I did inherit his sweet porn collection, though.
All: [ singing ] “Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
Ah!
I’ll always remember you, just like a child, gi-i-i-irl.”
Andy: You know, one of my patients was humming this song the other day.
Ed: Oh, yeah! How is being a doctor?
Andy: Oh! I LOVE it! You know, I feel like I’m really helping people, I give them their yearly check-up. The only thing they don’t like is that prostate exam — you know, when I gotta put my finger up there? [ the buddies chuckle with famliarity ] It’s a little awkward and uncomfortable for them, but, you know, you gotta get yuor prostate checked, right?
Jason: Yeah. Prevention is everything.
Andy: Yeah. I just hope none of my lady patients find out they don’t have one! [ he laughs mischieviously ]
All: [ singing ] “Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
It’s hard to get by, just upon a smile!”
Jason: Now, you’re a dentist, right?
Andy: That is correct!
All: [ singing ] “Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
Ah!
I’ll always remember you, just like a child, gi-i-i-irl.”
Ed: You guys know how I like to dress up in a full scuba suit and then hide in the bottom of Port-o-Pottys and take pictures, right?
Bill: Yeah.
Andy: Ohhhh, yeah!
Ed: It’s just who I am. I even put together a coffee table book called “Port-o-Potty Hotties: A View from Below”.
Jason: Ohhh, nice!
Andy: Hey, was that on Amazon?
Ed: No. No, I never published it. I just made one copy.
Andy: I’d really love to see that.
Ed: Well… I don’t have it any more. I gave it away. The BEST Mother’s Day present I ever gave.
All: [ singing ] “Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
It’s hard to get by, just upon a smile!”
[ Ed grabs Jason’s Jamba Juice cup and takes a sip, then spits the ashes out of his mouth when he realzies his mistake ]
All: [ singing ] “Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
Ah!
I’ll always remember you, just like a child, gi-i-i-irl.”
Ed: Man! It is SO great to be here! I really needed this, guys.
[ Scientist comes down the stairs ]
Scientist: Boys? Boys?
All: Uh-oh!
Scientist: Are you ready to make ze human centipede?
All: Let’s do it! Yeah!
[ they all assume the position ]
Andy: This is SO dumb!
[ freeze-frame, as Captain & Tenille’s “Love Will Keep Us Together” plays ]
[ fade ]
