SNL Transcripts: Ed Helms: 05/14/11: Song Memories



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 21
















10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

Song Memories

Ed…..Ed Helms
Bill…..Bill Hader
Andy…..Andy Samberg
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Scientist…..Paul Brittain

[ open on poker table in the basement, as three buddies hang out together ]

Ed: Oh, it’s so great seeing you guys!

Bill: We’ve talked about this forever.

Andy: Yeah, I’m glad we finally got our schedules together.

[ Jason returns with bottles of beer ]

Jason: Alright, here’s some brews to make up for the money I just won off you suckers.

Bill: I hope it won’t disturb anyone upstairs if I put on some tunes, will it?

Jason: No, no. They won’t mind. Go ahead. Let loose.

[ Bill points the remote at the stereo and pots up Cat Stevens’ “Wild World” ]

Jason: Oh! Great song!

Andy: Classic!

Jason: Classic, yeah!

[ they all sing along with the opening “La la la la la…” line ]

Jason: You know, uh — I think this was the first song I ever learned on guitar. Yeah, my grandpa taught me how to play it.

Andy: Oh, yeah?

Jason: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, music was a real bond between us, you know? He bought me my first turntable, and he gave me his ENTIRE record collection after he passed away. I got a lot of great memories of just sitting around listening to albums with him. I miss him.

Bill: He’s always, always, always, always with you, man.

Jason: No, no… [ he lifts a cup ] I know. Especially since I carry his ashes around with me in this Jamba Juice cup. [ he slams the cup on the table and lets some of the ashes fly ]

All: [ singing ] “Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
It’s hard to get by, just upon a smile!”

Andy: [ pointing to the cup ] Why is there a straw in there?

Jason: ‘Cause, uh — so he can breathe.

All: [ singing ] “Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
Ah!
I’ll always remember you, just like a child, gi-i-i-irl.”

Bill: You know what this song reminds me of? My dad.

Jason: Ah!

Bill: Oh, yeah. We’ve always had our ups and downs. He’s certainly no angel, but… he’s my dad, you know?

Ed: Aren’t you guys estranged?

Bill: Yeah. We haven’t seen each other in years. I feel terrible about it. It’s only recently I found out where he was living.

Jason: Oh, yeah? Did you call him?

Bill: I tried, but, by the time I found his number, several Navy seals had killed him and thrown his body in the ocean.

All: [ singing ] “Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
It’s hard to get by, just upon a smile!”

Bill: I did inherit his sweet porn collection, though.

All: [ singing ] “Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
Ah!
I’ll always remember you, just like a child, gi-i-i-irl.”

Andy: You know, one of my patients was humming this song the other day.

Ed: Oh, yeah! How is being a doctor?

Andy: Oh! I LOVE it! You know, I feel like I’m really helping people, I give them their yearly check-up. The only thing they don’t like is that prostate exam — you know, when I gotta put my finger up there? [ the buddies chuckle with famliarity ] It’s a little awkward and uncomfortable for them, but, you know, you gotta get yuor prostate checked, right?

Jason: Yeah. Prevention is everything.

Andy: Yeah. I just hope none of my lady patients find out they don’t have one! [ he laughs mischieviously ]

All: [ singing ] “Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
It’s hard to get by, just upon a smile!”

Jason: Now, you’re a dentist, right?

Andy: That is correct!

All: [ singing ] “Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
Ah!
I’ll always remember you, just like a child, gi-i-i-irl.”

Ed: You guys know how I like to dress up in a full scuba suit and then hide in the bottom of Port-o-Pottys and take pictures, right?

Bill: Yeah.

Andy: Ohhhh, yeah!

Ed: It’s just who I am. I even put together a coffee table book called “Port-o-Potty Hotties: A View from Below”.

Jason: Ohhh, nice!

Andy: Hey, was that on Amazon?

Ed: No. No, I never published it. I just made one copy.

Andy: I’d really love to see that.

Ed: Well… I don’t have it any more. I gave it away. The BEST Mother’s Day present I ever gave.

All: [ singing ] “Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
It’s hard to get by, just upon a smile!”

[ Ed grabs Jason’s Jamba Juice cup and takes a sip, then spits the ashes out of his mouth when he realzies his mistake ]

All: [ singing ] “Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
Ah!
I’ll always remember you, just like a child, gi-i-i-irl.”

Ed: Man! It is SO great to be here! I really needed this, guys.

[ Scientist comes down the stairs ]

Scientist: Boys? Boys?

All: Uh-oh!

Scientist: Are you ready to make ze human centipede?

All: Let’s do it! Yeah!

[ they all assume the position ]

Andy: This is SO dumb!

[ freeze-frame, as Captain & Tenille’s “Love Will Keep Us Together” plays ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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