SNL Transcripts: Ed Helms: 05/14/11: TV Funhouse


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 21

10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

TV Funhouse

Ace…..Jon Hamm
Gary…..Jimmy Fallon
Bighead…..Steve Carell
Dr. Brainio…..Stephen Colbert
Two Face…..Ed Helms
Lizardo…..Fred Armisen

“The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
They are taking on evil, come what may
They are fighting all crime to save the day.
They’re extremely close in an ambiguous way.
They’re ambiguously gay.
They’re ambiguously gay.
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!”

Announcer: The Ambiguously Gay Duo! Tonight’s episode: “The Dark Clenched Hole of Evil.”

[ open in Big Head’s secret laboratory ]

Dr. Brainio: And with this flesh-ray weapon I’ve designed, no one will be safe from our deadly carnivorous cyber-eel.

Bighead: Never mind that! We’ve broken into Ace & Gary’s communication network!

Dr. Brainio: So we can track their whereabouts?

Bighead: No! Their credit card account! Any smoking guns, Lizardo?

Lizardo: [ on the computer ] Not yet. Subscriptions to Men’s Fitness, Men’s Cleanliness, GQ…

Bighead: GQ’s gay!

Half Face: Not as much any more. They’ve got that “Women Men Love” thing.

Bighead: THAT’S Esquire!

[ cut to City Hall ]

Commissioner: Ace! Gary! we have reason to believe Bighead and his cronies are hacking into your system!

Ace: [ over phone ] Why, Commissioner, that’s a penetration of our privacy.

Commissioner: Uh… I think that term is… “invasion”, Ace.

Ace: Those villains! They’re trying to probe our most sensitive areas. I can feel it.

[ the Commissioner shirks ]

Ace: Commissioner? Are you there?

Commissioner: We really have to be going…

Ace: Commissioner, we make a great team! You finger the perps, and we give them our fists!

Commissioner: Gotta go!

Ace: To the Duo Car, Gary!

Gary: You got it, Ace!

[ they run out of their workout room ]

[ Ace & Gary zoom through the alley in heir penis-shaped car ]

Ace: Time’s running out! THRUST it, Gary!

[ Gary pulls the thrust handle, as the car stretches in size, pulsates, then flies into the air ]

[ cut to Bighead’s lab ]

Lizardo: Let’s see… nose hair trimmer…

Bighead: What about gay porn?

Lizardo: The online gay porn sites are very secure. I have my limits.

Half Face: So… if someone had bleached their pubic hair, you couldn’t find out?

Lizardo: Well… yes. If a person bought items that would indicate it, I could.

Half Face: What if he paid cash… or used a credit card once, in 1997? Does that follow him to his grave?

Dr. Brainio: Moving on.

Bighead: Here’s a suggestion: Let’s just survey all the male hookers in the area and find out who they’ve been sleeping with?

Dr. Brainio: That’s not a good idea!

Lizardo: Nope!

Minion: I don’t like it.

Dr. Brainio: Don’t say anything…

[ Ace & Gary hover outside Bighead’s lab ]

Gary: Where’s the entrance, Ace?

Ace: Let’s just stick it RIGHT through the duster, Gary.

[ they begin to through thrust the car against the outer wall ]

Ace: Reverse! Thrust! Reverse! Thrust! Reverse!

[ it’s a no-go ]

Ace: Vibration mode!

[ the front of the car begins to vibrate wildly, enabling them to crash through the wall and disrupt the criminals ]

Ace: NOW who’s being penetrated without expecting it?!

Bighead: Epic pop-in.

Dr. Brainio: The flesh-ray! Fire it NOW!

[ Half Face fires the flesh-ray ]

[ the rays zap Ace & Gary, as the screen morphs into live-action ]

Ace: What’s… happening… Gary?

Gary: Feeling… smooth.

Ace: You scoundrels! Transforming my partner into warm, juicy flesh!

Gary: Plus, we’re LETTER-BOXED!

Dr. Brainio: You’re finished! Release the cyber-eel!

Half Face: Wait! This ray won’t stop firing!

[ the flesh-ray zaps the cyber-eel, which morphs into live-action ]

[ the flesh-ray zaps the Duo Car, which morphs into live-action ]

[ the flesh-ray zaps the criminals, who morphs into live-action ]

Half Face: It’s the GUN! I swear!

Bighead: [ to Dr. Brainio ] Tell me something! How much did you PAY for that thing?!

Dr. Brainio: Less than I paid for your mother!

[ Bighead growls ]

Dr. Brainio: [ pointing at Ace & Gary ] Get them!

[ Ace and Gary put up their dukes and point their butt cheeks at one another ]

[ they start punching the criminals, including a split-punch to the groin courtesy of Gary ]

Gary: Think we can take them, Ace?

Ace: I think we Can-Can!

[ Ace and Gary wraps their arms across each others shoulder, then administer Can-Can kicks to the henchmen ]

Ace: What’s everybody looking at?


[ Ace & Gary Can-Can kick more henchmen ]

Dr. Brainio: We can’t stop them! We need a new plan!

Lizardo: May I suggest something we haven’t addressed?

Dr. Brainio: Yes. Please.

Lizarso: What if they are bi?

Dr. Brainio: Oh, come on! Let’s go!

Bighead: I agree with Brainio! Nobody is bi! That is just a gay guy who occasionally bangs a lady!

Half Face: Well, what’s Andy Dick, then?

Dr. Brainio: Can we go, PLEASE?!

Ace: There could be more, Gary. We better get a good stretch.

[ Ace & Gary strecth across one another, as everyone watches ]

Dr. Brainio: I’m BEGGING you… to FOCUS! Come on!

[ the criminals silently exit the lab ]

Gary: They got away, Ace!

Ace: Hold on, Friend of Friends! [ he touches his nipple through his costume ] I’m picking up some disturbing chatter on my Pec-sponder! They’ve gone to the roof!

[ Gary pats Ace on the ass, and they run ]

[ the cyber-eel desperately tries to bust out of its glass case ]

[ Ace & Gary run out of a dark alley outside ]

Ace: Quick! Gary! Climb on my back!

[ Gary jumps on Ace’s back as the henchmen arrive, each one getting knocked down by a swift blow from Gary’s bulbous butt cheeks ]

[ Ace presses a button, releasing a grappler claw from his crotch area that fires upward and secures a hold at the top of the building ]

[ back inside the lab, the cyber-eel has smashes its way out of its glass case ]

[ atop the rooftop, Bighead and his gang try to escape as Ace & Gary appear ]

Ace: We gotcha NOW, Bighead! You may look real… but you’re STILL —

[ the cyber-eel lurches over the edge of the building and attacks Ace & Gary ]

Ace: I got the tail, Gary! Go for the neck, that’s where it’s most sensitive!

[ as they struggle with the cyber-eel, the criminals watch in horror ]

Ace: That’s it! Bite the head, Gary! Bite the head HARD!

[ Ace & Gary freeze ]

Ace: NOW what are you looking at?!

Gang: NOTHING!!!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “The Ambiguously Gay Duo”!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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