SNL Transcripts: Ed Helms: 05/14/11: The Situation Room


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 21

10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

The Situation Room

Wolf Blitzer…..Jason Sudeikis
President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Jennifer Kates…..Vanessa Bayer
T-shirt crew members…..Taran Killam, Nasim Pedrad

[ open on “The Situation Room” graphics ]

[ dissolve to Wolf Blitzer standing before monitor ]

Wolf Blitzer: [ mumbly throughout ] Good evening, I’m Wolf Blitzer. And this… this is “The Situation Room”, which, three nights a week, also doubles as my bedroom. Earlier this week, President Barack Obama spoke in el Paso, Texas. And while the topic of the speech was Immigration Reform, it also seemed as if the President were taking a victory lap after the capture and death of Osama bin Laden. Let’s take a look.

[ cut to President Barack Obama at podium ]

President Barack Obama: [ pointing to his supporters ] Thank you! Thank you! [ laughing ] You feeling GOOD, El Paso? [ the crowd cheers ] I’m feeling good, too! I’m gonna talk about immigration, but first, I’m not sure if you heard the news — We killed bin Laden! [ the crowd cheers ] Ha ha, that’s right! Ha ha ha! Yeah! It’s great to be back here in Texas, the Lone Star state, home of George W. Bush, the 43rd President — The 43rd president to NOT kill bin Laden, this is! We got him! We got bin Laden! Ha ha ha! [ the crowd cheers ]

[ cut back to Wolf Blitzer in the studio ]

Wolf Blitzer: I’m joined now by senior political analyst Jennifer Kates! Jennifer, the President seems incredibly upbeat.

Jennifer Kates: Well, simply put, Wolf: Killing Osama bin Laden has put the President in a great mood. It’s a clean political win, he knows it, and I can’t remember the last time I saw him this relaxed and confident.

Wolf Blitzer: Indeed! So confident. In fact, at one point in the speech, he started openly smoking!

[ return to Obama, now smoking a cigarette as he addresses the crowd ]

President Barack Obama: Yeah. Killed bin Laden. ME! Barack Hussein Obama. Ha ha ha! Yeah, that’s right. I’m not hiding anything any more! And I’m not hiding THESE! [ he holds up his cigarette ] I’m not hiding the “Hussein”, either! Don’t have to! In fact, I might even drop the “Barack”! “President Hussein Obama”! Ha ha ha ha ha! That’s how good I’M feeling! We killed bin Laden! Walked into his house, shot him right in the head! BOOM-shaka-laka! Ha ha ha ha!

[ cut back to Wolf Blitzer in the studio ]

Wolf Blitzer: Now, Jennifer, ostensibly this speech was about immigration.

Jennifer Kates: Correct, Wolf. But, in what may be a preview of what’s to come on the campaign trail, every time he started talking about policy, it kept coming back around to bin Laden.

[ return to Obama addressing the crowd ]

President Barack Obama: Ha ha ha ha! They’re going to say “Obamacare”? I’m going to say “Guy-who-killed-bin-Laden-care”! [ the crowd cheers ] Yeah, yeah! They’re gonna say: “Where are the jobs?” Yeah! I say: “I got a job opening! Al-Quaeda Number One! Now accepting applications!” Ha ha ha! I get one of those? Can I get one more of these, please? [ he holds up his empty water bottle ] Thank you. Alright. Now, uh — people want to see a picture of Osama bin Laden, but, you know, we’re not gonna do that. We don’t spike the football. But we can do a little touchdown dance! ?? Shuffle? [ he shuffles ] Ha ha ha ha! Kiiiiiiiiilllllled bin Laden!! [ the crowd cheers ]

[ cut back to Wolf Blitzer in the studio ]

Wolf Blitzer: Wow! That is really loose!

Jennifer Kates: The crowd WAS with him, and he KNEW it! At times, it almost verged into stand-up comedy.

[ return to Obama addressing the crowd ]

President Barack Obama: What else I got? [ he glances at notes on his podium ] Oh, yeah. Pakistan’s all angry at me. They’re like, “You should’ve called! You need to be better at communication!” I was like, “Take it easy, Pakistan! I’ve already GOT a wife!” Ha ha ha ha! Kiiiiiiiiilllllled bin Laden!! [ the crowd cheers, as he points into the crowd ] This guy knows what I’m talking about, right here! Ha ha ha! Yeah. Did you ever notice how white presidents are always like, “We’re gonna find bin Laden, no matter where he hides!” But a BLACK president’s like, “You’ll DIE, bitch!!” Kiiiiiiiiilllllled bin Laden!! [ the crowd cheers ] Ha ha ha ha ha!

[ cut back to Wolf Blitzer in the studio ]

Wolf Blitzer: Mmm. It seems as if he’s using “Killed bin Laden” as if it’s a catchphrase.

Jennifer Kates: Oh, it seemed like he was working on a couple of catchphrases.

[ return to Obama addressing the crowd ]

President Barack Obama: Now… if your idea of a home theater is a 13-inch Sanyo and a roomful of loose wires… you MIGHT be a terrorist! [ the crowd cheers ] Alright. Well, enough talking. Let’s get those t-shirt guns out here!

[ T-shirt crew members fire t-shirts into the crowd ]

[ cut back to Wolf Blitzer in the studio ]

Wolf Blitzer: Mmm. A memorable speech, indeed. We’ll take a break. When we return, terrifying news if you’re planning to be a passenger on Southwest Airlines flight [ he mumbles the number incoherently ] But, first: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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