Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 21
The Buchanan Brothers
Platinum Buchanan…..Ed Helms
Sandy-Haired Buchanan…..Taran Killam
Dan Fouts…..Bill Hader
Mrs. Fouts…..Kristen Wiig
Daughter…..Vanessa Bayer
Boyfriend…..Paul Brittain
INT. FOUTS HOME – NIGHT
[ DAN FOUTS & HIS WIFE observe their daughter and her date before they step out for the evening. ]
Boyfriend: Don’t worry, Mr. & Mrs. Fouts — your daughter’s in good hands.
Daughter: Bye Mom! Bye Dad! Don’t wait up for me…
Mrs. Fouts: What time will you be home?
Daughter: Who knows? It’s prom night!
[ The youngsters depart. ]
Mrs. Fouts: I’m worried, Dan.
Dan Fouts: About what?
Mrs. Fouts: They’re not going to… do it? Are they?
Dan Fouts: I did IT all to YOU on our Prom Night.
Mrs. Fouts: But we grew up in a nastier time.
Dan Fouts: Don’t worry. I put this in their car —
[ He holds up a CD. ]
[ COVER ART OF “THE BUCHANAN BROTHERS – KEEPING IT SOFT: ULTIMATE TURN-OFFS” ]
Mrs. Fouts (V/O): “The Buchanan Brothers – Keeping it Soft: Ulitmate Turn-Offs” Collection.
Dan Fouts: There’s a lot of songs out there to put you in the mood. But listen as Buchanan Brothers take you OUT of the mood… WAY OUT!
[ CUT TO PERFORMING STAGE ]
[ THE BUCHANAN BROTHERS, one PLATINUM BLONDE, moustached and the other SANDY-HAIRED, clean shaven, wear matching retro 70’s wardrobes and sway to an opening melody. ]
[ SUPER: “REMEMBER THAT” ]
Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“You’re both getting closer.
The night’s feeling so right.”
Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Let me ask you a question,
before your love takes flight.”
Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Remember when you saw your
grandmother’s naked boobie?”
Both: [ singing ]
“Remember that time you saw?
Remember that time you saw?
A single, flapping naked boob!”
[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]
[ The couple is discomforted after hearing the previous track. ]
Dan Fouts: That’s no fun to think about!
Mrs. Fouts: Makes me feel weird.
Dan Fouts: No one’s getting laid after that — or this…
[ BACK TO STAGE ]
[ SUPER: “DEEP DOWN” ]
Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Soft hug.”
Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Soft kiss.”
Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Now think about a carpeted bathroom.”
Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ]
“There’s never a time that carpet dries out.”
Both: [ singing ]
“If you pulled it up, you’d see
thousands of silver fish.”
[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]
Dan Fouts: Ugh! That was fairly gross.
Mrs. Fouts: I’ll say. And the Buchanan Brothers really bring the unsexy back with this next hit…
[ BACK TO STAGE ]
[ SUPER: “SO RIGHT” ]
Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Think about the Native Americans.”
Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Think about what we did to them.”
Both: [ singing ]
“We’ll never make that right!”
[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]
Dan Fouts: How could anyone make love with exploited, Native Americans on their mind?
Mrs. Fouts: That’s the point. And there’s more… with songs like – –
[ SUPER: “Hickory-Smoked Cheddar Cheese Breath” ]
Dan Fouts: “Hickory-Smoked Cheddar Cheese Breath”
[ SUPER: “Your Cousin Dreamt About You” ]
Mrs. Fouts: “Your Cousin Dreamt About You”
[ SUPER: “Clumped Warm Mayonnaise” ]
Dan Fouts: “Clumped Warm Mayonnaise.” And…
[ SUPER: “Adult Baptisms” ]
Mrs. Fouts: “Adult Baptisms”
Dan Fouts: Plus, this “keep-it-in-your pants” single…
[ BACK TO STAGE ]
[ SUPER: “IRRE’CYST’ABLE” ]
Both: [ singing ]
“Some cysts can
grow teeth and hair.
What if one’s
inside you now?
Growing teeth and hair!”
[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]
[ The couple’s daughter comes storming in. ]
Daughter: Hi Mom! Hi Dad! I don’t want to talk about it! Good night!
[ She runs upstairs quick. ]
Mrs. Fouts: Sounds like somebody had a horrible night.
[ Dan chuckles. ]
Dan Fouts: Let’s hope it the first of many more to come.
Mrs. Fouts: Thanks, Buchanan Brothers!
Dan Fouts: We’re great parents!
Mrs. Fouts: We sure are! [ a beat ] Hey, I’m in the mood. Let’s say we go upstairs and finish what they couldn’t get started.
Dan Fouts: Hang on — let’s listen to this bonus track first…
[ BACK TO STAGE ]
[ SUPER: “DUST = 90% SKIN” ]
Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“I love you!”
Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ]
“And I want you!”
Both: [ singing ]
“Did you know that
90% of dust is skin!”
Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“You breathe in other people’s skin!”
[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]
Mrs. Fouts: Never mind about going upstairs now.
Dan Fouts: Good. Thanks, Buchanan Brothers!
[ CD COVER ART ]
[ SUPER: AVAILABLE WHEREVER CD’S ARE STILL SOLD. ]
Announcer: Available wherever CD’s are still sold.
[ END ]
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