SNL Transcripts: Ed Helms: 05/14/11: The Buchanan Brothers



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 21










10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

The Buchanan Brothers

Platinum Buchanan…..Ed Helms
Sandy-Haired Buchanan…..Taran Killam
Dan Fouts…..Bill Hader
Mrs. Fouts…..Kristen Wiig
Daughter…..Vanessa Bayer
Boyfriend…..Paul Brittain

INT. FOUTS HOME – NIGHT

[ DAN FOUTS & HIS WIFE observe their daughter and her date before they step out for the evening. ]

Boyfriend: Don’t worry, Mr. & Mrs. Fouts — your daughter’s in good hands.

Daughter: Bye Mom! Bye Dad! Don’t wait up for me…

Mrs. Fouts: What time will you be home?

Daughter: Who knows? It’s prom night!

[ The youngsters depart. ]

Mrs. Fouts: I’m worried, Dan.

Dan Fouts: About what?

Mrs. Fouts: They’re not going to… do it? Are they?

Dan Fouts: I did IT all to YOU on our Prom Night.

Mrs. Fouts: But we grew up in a nastier time.

Dan Fouts: Don’t worry. I put this in their car —

[ He holds up a CD. ]

[ COVER ART OF “THE BUCHANAN BROTHERS – KEEPING IT SOFT: ULTIMATE TURN-OFFS” ]

Mrs. Fouts (V/O): “The Buchanan Brothers – Keeping it Soft: Ulitmate Turn-Offs” Collection.

Dan Fouts: There’s a lot of songs out there to put you in the mood. But listen as Buchanan Brothers take you OUT of the mood… WAY OUT!

[ CUT TO PERFORMING STAGE ]

[ THE BUCHANAN BROTHERS, one PLATINUM BLONDE, moustached and the other SANDY-HAIRED, clean shaven, wear matching retro 70’s wardrobes and sway to an opening melody. ]

[ SUPER: “REMEMBER THAT” ]

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ] “You’re both getting closer.
The night’s feeling so right.”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ] “Let me ask you a question,
before your love takes flight.”

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ] “Remember when you saw your
grandmother’s naked boobie?”

Both: [ singing ] “Remember that time you saw?
Remember that time you saw?
A single, flapping naked boob!”

[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]

[ The couple is discomforted after hearing the previous track. ]

Dan Fouts: That’s no fun to think about!

Mrs. Fouts: Makes me feel weird.

Dan Fouts: No one’s getting laid after that — or this…

[ BACK TO STAGE ]

[ SUPER: “DEEP DOWN” ]

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ] “Soft hug.”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ] “Soft kiss.”

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ] “Now think about a carpeted bathroom.”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ] “There’s never a time that carpet dries out.”

Both: [ singing ] “If you pulled it up, you’d see
thousands of silver fish.”

[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]

Dan Fouts: Ugh! That was fairly gross.

Mrs. Fouts: I’ll say. And the Buchanan Brothers really bring the unsexy back with this next hit…

[ BACK TO STAGE ]

[ SUPER: “SO RIGHT” ]

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ] “Think about the Native Americans.”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ] “Think about what we did to them.”

Both: [ singing ] “We’ll never make that right!”

[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]

Dan Fouts: How could anyone make love with exploited, Native Americans on their mind?

Mrs. Fouts: That’s the point. And there’s more… with songs like – –

[ SUPER: “Hickory-Smoked Cheddar Cheese Breath” ]

Dan Fouts: “Hickory-Smoked Cheddar Cheese Breath”

[ SUPER: “Your Cousin Dreamt About You” ]

Mrs. Fouts: “Your Cousin Dreamt About You”

[ SUPER: “Clumped Warm Mayonnaise” ]

Dan Fouts: “Clumped Warm Mayonnaise.” And…

[ SUPER: “Adult Baptisms” ]

Mrs. Fouts: “Adult Baptisms”

Dan Fouts: Plus, this “keep-it-in-your pants” single…

[ BACK TO STAGE ]

[ SUPER: “IRRE’CYST’ABLE” ]

Both: [ singing ] “Some cysts can
grow teeth and hair.
What if one’s
inside you now?
Growing teeth and hair!”

[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]

[ The couple’s daughter comes storming in. ]

Daughter: Hi Mom! Hi Dad! I don’t want to talk about it! Good night!

[ She runs upstairs quick. ]

Mrs. Fouts: Sounds like somebody had a horrible night.

[ Dan chuckles. ]

Dan Fouts: Let’s hope it the first of many more to come.

Mrs. Fouts: Thanks, Buchanan Brothers!

Dan Fouts: We’re great parents!

Mrs. Fouts: We sure are! [ a beat ] Hey, I’m in the mood. Let’s say we go upstairs and finish what they couldn’t get started.

Dan Fouts: Hang on — let’s listen to this bonus track first…

[ BACK TO STAGE ]

[ SUPER: “DUST = 90% SKIN” ]

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ] “I love you!”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ] “And I want you!”

Both: [ singing ] “Did you know that
90% of dust is skin!”

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ] “You breathe in other people’s skin!”

[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]

Mrs. Fouts: Never mind about going upstairs now.

Dan Fouts: Good. Thanks, Buchanan Brothers!

[ CD COVER ART ]

[ SUPER: AVAILABLE WHEREVER CD’S ARE STILL SOLD. ]

Announcer: Available wherever CD’s are still sold.

[ END ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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