Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 21
Republican Candidate…..Ed Helms
[ open on stock footage of eagle soaring, majestic fields, etc. ]
Announcer: This election season, America will decide if we want four more years of politics as usual… or if we think, as a nation, we can do better.
[ dissolve to random Republican candidate seated on his desk ]
Republican Candidate: I think we can do better. Hello, I’m either Tim Pawlenty, Mitch Daniels, or Gary Johnson. And I believe I’M the man that can get this country back on track.
[ cut to close-up shot ]
I understand that, with such a crowded field of candidates, it’s hard to tell us apart. We all look the same, and our names are boring. But, whoever I am, there are some things I know to be true.
[ cut to wide shot ]
I know that free enterprise is the beating heart of any vibrant democracy. I know that I’m a white male between the ages of 45 and 60. I know that I’m not Donald Trump or Newt Gingrich, because you know what they look like. But I might be Joh Huntsman or John Thune. In conclusion: My dad, the military, dogs, church stuff.
I’m Tim Pawlenty, Mitch Daniels, John Thune, John Huntsman, Gary Johnson, Mitch Johnson, Tim Daniels, or Hunt Mitchman. And I approved this message.
[ cut to American flag graphic ]
Announcer: Paid for by Land’s End.
[ fade ]