SNL Transcripts: Ed Helms: 05/14/11: Republican Candidate

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 21




10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

Republican Candidate

Republican Candidate…..Ed Helms

[ open on stock footage of eagle soaring, majestic fields, etc. ]

Announcer: This election season, America will decide if we want four more years of politics as usual… or if we think, as a nation, we can do better.

[ dissolve to random Republican candidate seated on his desk ]

Republican Candidate: I think we can do better. Hello, I’m either Tim Pawlenty, Mitch Daniels, or Gary Johnson. And I believe I’M the man that can get this country back on track.

[ cut to close-up shot ]

I understand that, with such a crowded field of candidates, it’s hard to tell us apart. We all look the same, and our names are boring. But, whoever I am, there are some things I know to be true.

[ cut to wide shot ]

I know that free enterprise is the beating heart of any vibrant democracy. I know that I’m a white male between the ages of 45 and 60. I know that I’m not Donald Trump or Newt Gingrich, because you know what they look like. But I might be Joh Huntsman or John Thune. In conclusion: My dad, the military, dogs, church stuff.

I’m Tim Pawlenty, Mitch Daniels, John Thune, John Huntsman, Gary Johnson, Mitch Johnson, Tim Daniels, or Hunt Mitchman. And I approved this message.

[ cut to American flag graphic ]

Announcer: Paid for by Land’s End.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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